a tribute to 1930s movie musicals
by
Louise Richardson

©2001, 2006, 2009 by Louise Richardson

After a reading of "Hollywood Melody" at a meeting of Austin ScriptWorks, I took the advice of the readers and the audience and cut down the play a great deal. The original version is available as a Word document here.

Dramatis Personae (in order of appearance)

MIKE O'SHAWNESSY and DENNIS MARCONI - Two brash young Broadway actors on the run from a jealous gangster. They are of Irish and Italian immigrant stock, respectively. (late 20's, early 30's)

ELMORE JOHNS - Retired veteran entertainer who has become wealthy from playing comic stereotypical negro characters in vaudeville, silent movies and early talkies. (late 50's, early 60's)

MARY MCGONIGLE - Successful Broadway playwright whose most recent production was ruined when a jealous gangster's henchmen chased away a brash young actor and his understudy with gunfire. (late 30's, early 40's)

EMMA CHARLES - MARY MCGONIGLE's housekeeper and confidante. Opinionated and outspoken, she is technically a maid, but in later more enlightened times, her duties would make her a personal assistant. (mid-30's to mid-40's)

OLIVER MCGONIGLE - MARY's ex-husband. He has been successful as a producer of musical comedies on Broadway, but a failure in transferring his talents to Hollywood. (early to late 40's)

RITA ROMAINE - OLIVER MCGONIGLE's "dumb blonde" girlfriend. (early 20's to early 30's)

LOUIE and FRANKIE - Henchmen for a jealous New York gangster. (mid-30's to mid-40's)

RUTHIE ROMAINE - Identical twin sister of RITA ROMAINE. She is a gangster's moll and wouldbe starlet. (same as RITA: early 20's to early 30's)

ROCCO "THE RAT" DIROCCO - Jealous New York gangster who wants to help his girlfriend to become a Hollywood star, no matter who gets hurt. (early to late 40's)

GUEST - Also known as Roger, he is a drunken Hollywood character actor at OLIVER's costume party. (late 50's to late 60's)

DONALDSON - OLIVER MCGONIGLE's unflappable butler. (mid-30's to mid-40's)

AL JOLSON - The superstar, himself, a habitual and over-the-top performer. He is seen at OLIVER's party in “blackface”. Actually, because the part is played by an African-American actor, the make up is minimal. The other characters just assume he is in blackface. ELMORE’s make up in the party scene is similar. (early to mid-40's)

MOVIE AUDIENCE, COSTUMED PARTY GOERS, CHORUS GIRLS, etc. - As called for by the script. The only limitation, other than budget, would be to have at least six or eight dancing girls for the finale. The rest of the group can be used as extras throughout the play. (various ages)

Overture plays.

ACT I, scene i. Malibu Beach, California 1933.

MIKE O'SHAWNESSY and DENNIS MARCONI, in tuxedos that are frayed at the edges, shuffle wearily across the sand from stage right. On the backdrop we see two or three small but elegant houses widely spaced along the beach, the seaward edge of which is suggested by the downstage set design. We hear the sound of the surf rolling in. The men sit to rest among the STAGE LEFT pylons which indicate a beach house in the foreground. They take off their shoes and pour the sand from them as they speak.

MIKE

Relax, Dennis old man, we shook the railroad cops miles back.

DENNIS

I'm starting to see those guys in my sleep, Mike. Are we in Hollywood yet?

MIKE

Mighty close to it. You might even see movie stars come out of these bungalows.

DENNIS

Swell. And they'll sick the bungalow cops or the beach cops on us--or whatever they've got out here.

MIKE

Chin up, Denny boy, we're in the golden west now, and Hollywood is the mother lode.

DENNIS

How come you're so damn cheerful all the time? Huh? You've been cheerful hopping freights and dodging cops all the way from New York. And in case you haven't heard yet, the country's been in a depression for three years now.

MIKE

I guess its just my nature to be cheerful, like it's your nature to be glum. Ya can't fight it.

DENNIS

Yeah? Well I'm from the Bronx. Most of my life I never even saw any nature. Must be all that wholesome Ohio countryside you grew up in that gives you that sunny disposition. But if it's all the same with you, I'm gonna take this breather to sulk.

DENNIS removes his holey socks. MIKE reacts to the smell and stands.

MIKE

Suit yourself. But I'm looking on the bright side. 'Cause I figure if you only see the good things, if you only concentrate on what you've got going for you, in the end ya can't lose. And if that kind of thinking is good for me, I'm thinking it's good for you too. Heck, it's good for everybody. That's what this country needs: to look around and see what we've got to be happy about, cheer up, roll up our sleeves and work to put one big smile on this land.

DENNIS
(sarcastically)

From sea to smiling sea? Is that it?

MIKE

Sure. Now you've got the idea. (sings)

"Happy Side"

I've just gotta look on the happy side.
I've got a joy deep in my heart that I can't hide.
People laugh at me, but I don't care whatever they may say.
When I look on the happy side it's a hap-py day.

I may not have a nickel to my name,
But I've gotta chuckle all the same.
I may never be a millionaire, but long I'm alive.
If I look on the happy side I will survive.

Now many's the time, I know, in the past
I let those blues get to me,
But now I've learned to leave them alone
And they just pass right through me.

And I've just gotta look on the happy side.
I've got a joy deep in my heart that I can't hide.
People laugh at me, but I don't care whatever they may say.
When I look on the happy side...
The silly and sappy side...
When I look on the happy side...
It's a hap-py day!

MIKE crosses to DENNIS, takes him by the arm and tries to pull him to his feet as the music continues. MIKE dances a few steps.

MIKE

Come on, Denny.

DENNIS

Where?

MIKE

That's your cue...to dance.

DENNIS

Here? Now?

MIKE

We're hoofers, aren't we? Let's hoof.

DENNIS

In the sand?

MIKE

Sure. A sand dance. A little soft shoe.

DENNIS

We took our shoes off already.

MIKE

Okay. We'll make it a "soft foot" then. Come on.

DENNIS rises to his feet reluctantly. They tap dance in the sand. DENNIS starts to get into the spirit of the fun.

DENNIS

This is fun. The sand feels good.

MIKE

Ya see?

DENNIS

Watch this.

DENNIS steps downstage and dances a fancy step. MIKE claps time.

MIKE
(to an imaginary audience)

Mr. Dennis Marconi, ladies and gentlemen!

DENNIS backs upstage and motions for MIKE to do a step. MIKE tries to top DENNIS' step while DENNIS claps in rhythm.

DENNIS
(to the same audience)

Mr. Michael Patrick O'Shawnessy!

The contest becomes an intense competition until they fall over each other in happy exhaustion. They sing.

MIKE
(singing)

People laugh at me...

DENNIS
(singing)

But I don't care whatever they may say...

MIKE

When I look on the happy side...

DENNIS

That silly and sappy side...

MIKE
(crooking his arm around DENNIS' neck)

When we look on the happy side...

MIKE and DENNIS
(harmonizing)

It's a hap-py day...!

MIKE and DENNIS fall back exhausted, laughing and throwing sand at each other. While they are laughing ELMORE JOHNS in a white suit, but also bare-footed, his pants legs rolled up to his knees and carrying fishing equipment, crosses from stage right and stands over MIKE and DENNIS. They don't see him until he speaks.

ELMORE

I don't mean to disturb you fellas, but Mr. McGonigle ain't the type to allow carryin' on like that on his property.

MIKE and DENNIS stand and dust off the sand.

MIKE

ELMORE
(doubtfully)

DENNIS

I guess we thought the place was abandoned. We're on our way to Hollywood...to dance in the movies.

ELMORE

You don't say.

MIKE

This Mr. McGonigle, he wouldn't be any relation to the Broadway producer, would he?

ELMORE

That's him. He's producin' flickers these days.

MIKE and DENNIS glance at each other. They have reason to avoid Mr. McGonigle.

DENNIS

Are you his...butler?

ELMORE (stands tall and adjusts his cufflinks)

Sir, I am nobody's butler.

DENNIS

Sorry. I just never saw...

ELMORE

MIKE

ELMORE

MIKE

DENNIS
(to Elmore)

You look kinda familiar. You ever been in show business?

ELMORE
(proudly)

I hope to say.

MIKE

Say. I've seen you in a movie. Is that right?

ELMORE

It's very possible.

DENNIS

Come to think of it, you look a lot like Elmore Johns.

ELMORE

Maybe that's because I am Elmore Johns.

MIKE
(shaking Elmore's hand)

Well, what do you know?

DENNIS
(shaking Elmore's hand)

Pleased to meet you. But you look different somehow. (snaps his fingers) That's it. It's your nose.

ELMORE

That's right, I got one after all...You see, it's the studios. They figured I just wasn't dark enough. That wouldn't do. They wanted to see just my eyes and my pearly whites. And the nose kind got lost in the shuffle. I had to black up for every picture. Just like in the minstrel days.

DENNIS

You were a minstrel? Us too.

ELMORE

I'm sure you were.

MIKE

That's about all the work we could get down south sometimes.

ELMORE
(with a sadder edge)

Yeah. Me too.

DENNIS

You're sure different in person.

ELMORE

I hope to say. All that foolishness I had to do in the movies sure paid the bills, though.

MIKE

I guess so, if you can go surf fishing in a nice suit like that.

ELMORE

This suit, sir, is a necessity.

DENNIS

It is?

ELMORE

That's a fact. This here is my very own personal beach fishing suit. It's white so it shows up from yards and yards away. And it's rich looking. You see, I've got this deal with the Malibu police. I don't look like no ordinary down-on-his-luck colored man trespassing on the beach, and they don't have to accidentally arrest one of their favorite personalities of the silver screen who they love so much from the days when I was "shuckin' and jivin'" and screaming "Get away now, ghos'! Don't be layin' no clammmmmmy fingers on me!" and such.

DENNIS
(recognizing the character)

You ARE Elmore Johns, aren't ya? Well what do you know!

MIKE

And I thought you were dead.

ELMORE

No, just retired. My "shuckin' and jivin'" days are behind me.

DENNIS

All you gotta do is fish and relax. Nobody to bother you.

ELMORE

I hope to say...where are you fellas staying?

MIKE

We haven't made arrangements yet.

ELMORE

Uh huh...You got money for a hotel?

DENNIS
(candidly)

Not a cent.

MIKE

Oh we've got money.

DENNIS pulls out his trousers pockets. MIKE does the same.

ELMORE
(doubtfull)

Uh huh.

MIKE

Dennis, where's our money roll?

DENNIS

I musta dropped it running from the railyard cops.

MIKE

Well, they've got it now. Why didn't you tell me it was gone?

DENNIS

You were so damn happy I just couldn't tell ya. I figured you'd find out sooner or later.

ELMORE

You fellas got friends 'round Los Angeles?

MIKE
(giving DENNIS a hard look)

ELMORE

Well, ya do now. I'll put you up for a spell. Heck, I've got four bedrooms. Can only sleep in one of 'em at a time.

MIKE

We'd be much obliged.

ELMORE

Truth is, I could use the company.

DENNIS

Then point us at it.

ELMORE
(pointing down stage left)

Can't miss it. It's the next house along, the big one.

The three of them cross STAGE RIGHT while MARY MCGONIGLE appears, luggage in hands, from behind the house in the foreground.

MARY
(setting down her bags)

Why, Mr. Johns, how are you? Catch any fish?

MIKE
(turning away quickly, whispers to DENNIS)

It's her. How'd she get here?

DENNIS turns away quickly too.

ELMORE

Mrs. McGonigle, I never expected to see you back here. Matter of fact, the place has been deserted for the longest time.

MARY crosses STAGE RIGHT toward Elmore. EMMA CHARLES follows her and sets down her luggage. MIKE and DENNIS pull the brims of their hats over their faces.

MARY

That's because it doesn't belong to Mr. McGonigle since the divorce and I certainly never planned to venture away from Manhattan into this orange grove-covered and sand-smothered wilderness ever again. But my recent Broadway show flopped because both a lead actor and his understudy skipped out opening night...and because there was gunplay in the alley behind the theater which scared away customers. Audiences hate that. But I'd been offered an obscene amount of cash to write for the talkies so I hopped on the next Hollywood Special, and here I am.

ELMORE
(slowly scanning MIKE and DENNIS)

So whatever happened to those actors?

MARY

Search me, but they'd better not audition for one of my shows again.

ELMORE

Well, welcome back, Mrs. M. (to EMMA) And if I remember straight, this young lady is Miss Charles. (crosses to EMMA, takes her hand) Charmed, mademoiselle. (kisses her hand) May I help you with your bags, ladies?

EMMA
(not charmed)

We can manage, thank you.

MARY

We've made it this far.

EMMA

We wouldn't want a movie star to stoop to manual labor.

ELMORE
(brushing off the insulting tone)

We can all help you. Can't we fellas?

MIKE and DENNIS nod, collars pulled up covering their faces, and mumble their agreement. They and Elmore take the luggage STAGE LEFT, presumably into the beach house. MARY and EMMA follow.

ACT I, scene ii. MARY MCGONIGLE's beach house.

The backdrop rises to reveal the interior of the bungalow, MARY's bedroom. Upstage MARY and EMMA stand in the doorway. Luggage is set on the bed, a chair and the floor. MARY calls to the men from the doorway.

MARY

Thanks again! (to EMMA) I think he likes you, Emma.

EMMA

Who's that?

MARY

You know "who's that": Elmore Johns.

EMMA

That old fool? So what if he does?

MARY

He's a millionaire.

EMMA

Now what would I do with a millionaire?

MARY

Why, marry him, of course!

EMMA

And why would I want to marry him just because he's got millions of dollars?

MARY
(feeling EMMA's forehead)

Are you feeling all right? You'd be set for life.

EMMA

Set for life with that old clown? No thank you.

MARY crosses to the bed and sits.

MARY

You could do a lot worse, you know. You can't fool me; I know you feel something for that "old clown".

EMMA folds her arms and turns away.

EMMA

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

MARY

I think he wouldn't upset you this much if you didn't care for him.

EMMA

Now that's writer talk. It's got nothin' to do with me.

MARY

Oh no? Well, if you don't marry him, maybe I will.

EMMA

You? What would you do with a broken down old colored used-to-be like him?

MARY

Emma! I think you're jealous.

EMMA

I'm nothing of the kind...Now, if you excuse me, I've got unpackin' to do.

EMMA turns and exits through the doorway.

MARY (to herself)

Curious. Most curious.

MARY lies back on the bed. She calls out to EMMA.

MARY
(stretching and yawning)

I'm going to take a nap before I finish unpacking!

OLIVER MCGONIGLE appears in the doorway, startling her when he speaks.

OLIVER

Suit yourself. (She sits up.) Hello, Mary. Welcome to California.

MARY

Oliver.

OLIVER

You know, you really should let Emma do all the unpacking. That's what she's paid for.

EMMA appears right behind him. She is a bit out of breath.

EMMA

I'm sorry, Mary, he let himself in before I could stop him.

MARY
(standing, regaining her composure)

I know. It's all right. Thank you.

EMMA shrugs and exits.

OLIVER

She calls you "Mary" now, does she?

MARY

That's my name.

OLIVER

Mary, you know that "familiarity breeds contempt".

MARY

True; I'm familiar with YOU.

OLIVER

One needs to keep a certain distance with servants. If you don't keep them in their place, they'll take advantage of you.

MARY
(holding out a hand, palm up)

The duplicate key, Oliver.

OLIVER

I just came over to make certain the house was in order for you. You are earlier than I expected.

MARY
(her hand still out)

The key, Oliver. According to the terms of the divorce, the bungalow belongs to me now. You no longer have the run of the place. In fact, I don't want you coming around unannounced. I left you the mansion in Beverly Hills. Stay there.

OLIVER

But I was hoping we would be working together, collaborating. I've got a five-picture deal with Baroque Studios. Together we could make a mint, Snuggles. With my producing and your writing we could wind up owning that one-horse town.

MARY

Oh they've got more than one horse, Oliver. I've seen them. The key please.

OLIVER places the key in her hand.

OLIVER

Still, you will admit, it's a bully idea: I know producing, you know writing. I can show you the ropes.

MARY

No doubt you'll show me the ropes to bind me with.

OLIVER

What do you say? We could be a team again.

MARY

Oliver. We never were a team, even when we were married...Especially when we were married.

OLIVER

Nonsense. And what about those two Broadway hits I produced for you?

MARY

Ancient history, very bloody ancient history.

OLIVER

Mary, we don't have to fight anymore. We may have the urge to fight, but we don't have to give in to it. Not if we both try. We can fight that urge. Really fight it!

MARY

We're going to fight fighting?

OLIVER

That's right. It will be a bully collaboration, Snuggles.

MARY

Don't call me "Snuggles"...And "bully" went out with Teddy Roosevelt. (having a revelation) You're in trouble with the studio, aren't you?

OLIVER
(after a pause)

Somewhat. But that has nothing to do with us and the feelings I still have for you.

MARY

Which feelings are those, Oliver? Could those be the same feelings you told all of your girlfriends about when we were married? It seems I remember your form letter read "I regret it must end this way between us, but I still have certain feelings for my wife."

OLIVER

Where did you get that?!

MARY

I read your carbon paper, you philanderer! It was always in triplicate. Tell me, did you have three or four on a string at a time? And what did the three who got the carbon copies think?

OLIVER

Mary please. That's all in the past. I need you...And if you would only admit it, you need me too. I'm your inside man in Hollywood.

MARY

I don't need an "inside man", thank you. (takes script from night stand) I've been paid a big advance and I've almost finished the best screenplay this burg has ever seen.

OLIVER
(picking up a business card from the same night stand)

For Modern Artists?

MARY

Yes, for Modern Artists.

OLIVER

That's a nickel and dime operation. Do you have a contract?

MARY

No. But I will after they read this script.

MARY snatches the business card from him.

OLIVER

Don't be so sure. Hollywood is a tricky place. Believe me, I can get you a sweet deal with Baroque Studios. Forget Modern Artists; go for Baroque.

OLIVER reaches for the script and Mary pulls it back, hugs it to her. Meanwhile, RITA ROMAINE appears at the doorway. She speaks in a kind of Hollywood baby talk.

RITA
(pouting)

Ollie-honey, please. Rita-sugar's lonesome in the Dusenberg all by herself. Besides, my tummy's doing the Continental. (sees MARY) Oh hi.

MARY

Oh hi...Ollie-honey was just leaving. (pinches his cheek) Weren't you, Ollie-Wallie?

OLIVER

Mary, this is Miss Romaine...my secretary. Rita, this is my ex-wife, Mary.

RITA

You called him "Ollie-Wallie".

MARY

In a moment of weakness.

RITA

Could I use it?

MARY

It's yours.

OLIVER

Mary, please feel free to call me if you need anything at all.

MARY

Whatever you say (pinches his cheek) Ollie--

RITA
(cutting her off, but politely)

May I?

MARY

Be my guest.

RITA
(to OLIVER, pinching his cheek)

"Ollie-Wallie". Now you say (puckering her lips) "Wet's go to the Bwown Derby, sugar."

OLIVER

Rita, not now.

MARY

No. Please. Pretend I'm not here, kids.

RITA
(pouting)

Pweeeeeeease.

OLIVER
(half-heartedly, puckering)

"Wet's go to the Bwown Derby, sugar."

RITA, puckered, kisses his lips.

RITA
(still puckered)

Okay "Owwie-Wawwie".

OLIVER and RITA exit, she clinging to his arm. EMMA comes to the door and watches them walk down the hallway and out the front door.

RITA
(offstage to OLIVER)

Owwie, why did you call me your secretary?

OLIVER
(also offstage)

Did I?

EMMA

Uh huh. Mr. M must of left the door wide open. Sounds like we got mice.

MARY

Spoken like a true cat.

EMMA

One thing for sure: looks like you and Mr. M won't be re-marrying anytime soon.

MARY

Perish the thought! I wouldn't even give the man the time of day if we weren't joined by the bonds of alimony. If this movie I'm writing goes over well and I get to write a few others, I might be able to make it on my own. I may even be able to retire in comfort.

EMMA

And forget the alimony?

MARY

Not on your life.

A different backdrop comes down. It is the home and private beach of Elmore JOHNS.

ACT I, scene iii. The beach in front of Elmore's bungalow.

The Pacific Ocean is toward the audience. Elmore is surf fishing in his white suit. After some time MIKE and DENNIS enter. They are wearing some very expensive-looking pajamas under silk kimono bathrobes. MIKE carries a cup of coffee. DENNIS carries a newspaper and smokes a big cigar.

MIKE

Hi, Elmore.

DENNIS

Hi.

ELMORE turns to look at them.

ELMORE

How are ya? Uh huh...P.J.'s fit ya?

MIKE and DENNIS open their robes. Elmore explodes with laughter.

ELMORE
(laughing)

Fits all right, I guess.

DENNIS

What's the matter?

ELMORE

You two look as stupid as I did in those things. That's why I went back to sleeping in my drawers. And I thought it was me. (giggles) Sleep good, did ya?

DENNIS

Sure did, thanks...So that's the sunrise.

ELMORE

Not unless we moved to Florida while I wasn't looking. No, that's the sun goin' down in the west. You slept right through night and day both.

DENNIS

Guess we'll never know what a sunrise looks like.

ELMORE

It's just like this, only backwards. You mean to say you fellas never saw a sunrise?

MIKE

Not since I left Ohio years ago.

DENNIS

I'm from the Bronx. We couldn't afford anything like that.

ELMORE

Now that's a natural shame. You miss out on one of the glories of the world.

DENNIS

It is kinda pretty, isn't it?

ELMORE

Got big plans for the day?

MIKE

I'll say. We're going into Hollywood and get work.

ELMORE

You figurin' on headin' up Warner Brothers or will you settle for vice-president of RKO?

DENNIS

Are you saying we don't have what it takes for Hollywood?

ELMORE

Can't say. I don't know your work, but its not a cakewalk out here. That I can tell you.

DENNIS

We know about tough auditions, pal. We're from Broadway and vaudeville.

ELMORE

Then ya oughta know that bein' cock sure ain't enough. And havin' talent ain't enough. It's partly stick it out for a while and partly who you know.

MIKE

We know you.

ELMORE

Me? My name will get ya laughed right off the studio lot. No, sir, I'm just a big joke of an overpaid colored man to those folks.

DENNIS

Heck, there oughta be work for us. We're better dancers than Dick Powell or any of those guys ever were...Except maybe Fred Astaire. Any Broadway performer could mop the floor with most of these birds in the flicks.

ELMORE

May be, but even Broadway ain't so fickle as old Babylon-on-the-Pacific here. It still comes down to who you know.

MIKE

But you've been around Hollywood for years. Isn't there anyone you know who can--

ELMORE

Now if I had important friends, would I spend my whole life surf fishing in my best Easter whites? The only person who even says hello is Mrs. McGonigle...You know, you could call her a contact, at that. She's a big time New York writer, her husband's a movie producer...I mean her ex- husband now...They like her here. She might be your ticket.

MIKE

Well, it was a thought.

DENNIS

Thanks anyway.

ELMORE

What's wrong with the lady? Say...You know her from some place, don't you?

MIKE

We know her all right.

DENNIS

We were in her last Broadway show.

ELMORE

So what happened?

DENNIS

Well, opening night Mike didn't show up. I was his understudy, so I went on. I was doing okay right through Act One. Then I went out in the back alley for a smoke and some cool air, and somebody started taking potshots at me. That's when I ran across Mike hiding behind the garbage cans. He'd been pinned down all the time.

MIKE

It turns out a girl I was seeing was the moll of Rocco "The Rat" DiRocco. His buddies had orders to shoot to kill. They didn't know what I looked like exactly, but they knew I was in a show at the Van der Gelder Theatre.

DENNIS

They also knew he was wearing a tux with a blue cummerbund. We were dressed alike, so they tried to nail both of us. You have to give Rocco his due. Paisan must really love the girl.

MIKE

Somehow we got away, but we figured we'd give our Broadway careers a rest and try the movies.

ELMORE

Discretion being the better part of valor.

DENNIS

What's that?

ELMORE

Just something I heard somewhere. (looking STAGE LEFT) Oh my, here comes the little lady of my dreams. Morning, Sweet Emma. (to MIKE and DENNIS) If you'll excuse me.

MIKE and DENNIS begin to exit stage right.

MIKE

Come on, Dennis, let's brush up the tuxes and go Hollywood.

They exit as Elmore calls to them.

ELMORE

Don't wear them raggedy things. Pick out something sensible from my closet. It's okay. Go ahead. You're welcome. (waves them off)

EMMA
(entering from stage left)

Mighty strange pets you got. Didn't I see those two skulking around Times Square a couple of weeks back?

ELMORE

Times Square? The one in New York? Nah! They're local boys, just breaking into the movies. But, Sweet Emma, what brings you to brighten up my dreary day?

EMMA

I didn't come for any sweet talk from the likes of you. Mrs. M's typing up her movie script and she's sent me into town for groceries and such. She wants to know if you need anything.

ELMORE

Now ain't that neighborly? I could use some stuff for sure. You're stocking up, right? The usual provisions: butter, flour, eggs, milk, caviar...? I'm getting kinda low on those things myself. I'll make it easy on ya. Whatever, you get, just double it. (takes his wallet from his jacket) Here. Here's a hundred.

EMMA

That's too much.

ELMORE

That's to cover it all. My treat. Call it a "welcome home" present.

EMMA

Thank you all the same but Mrs. M doesn't need any present from you.

ELMORE

You neither.

EMMA

Me neither.

ELMORE

Sweet Emma, why are you so cold to me?

EMMA
(turning away)

I don't know what you mean.

ELMORE
(crossing to her)

You've been that way ever since you first laid eyes on me. What'd I do?

EMMA

I gotta go.

She starts to walk away.

ELMORE

Miss Emma? Don't go away from me. Ain't I handsome enough? Ain't I rich enough?

EMMA
(stops and turns to him)

Rich! You old fool!

ELMORE

Ain't I young...enough?

EMMA

Young? Young and old's got nothing to do with it. And there's rich and rich. How you get rich makes a difference.

ELMORE

I came by my money honest enough. I didn't rob nobody. I didn't hurt nobody.

EMMA

"Didn't hurt nobody?" You think you "didn't hurt nobody" when you were there in the movies acting like a clown? Making all the colored folk look like idiots! You think that "didn't hurt nobody"?

ELMORE

Yep. I shoulda known that was it. Well, I'm guilty sure enough. I did play the fool for the entire colored race. The evidence is up there on that silver screen for all to see in black and white--and hardly any shades of grey. It made me rich too, so I profited by it. I'm guilty as charged, but I gave it up, and I'm sorrowful for it.

EMMA

Uh huh.

ELMORE

Sure enough...You're a hard woman, Miss Emma...Ain't you ever played the clown to get along? Ain't we all?...What do you do? You a duchess or something? You're a maid. You gonna be anything more? You know anybody colored that's gonna be anything more than a maid or a Pullman porter or a janitor? And don't tell me you never had to smile and tap dance and clown your way around no white boss. We all gotta do it to get by...You know what we had to do in the minstrel shows? We'd light a candle and roast a cork over it, burn a side of it black, and while it was still warm, smear that mess all over our faces except for a big white circle of a mouth we painted on like we was Mickey Mouse or something. That's what we all gotta do: put on that black face. (sings)

"Black Face"

Cork up, cork up, cork up.
Ya gotta put on that black face.
Ya gotta fork up that slack face
The white folks love so much.

Buck up, buck up, buck up.
You can't show you're unhappy,
Just play stupid and slappy
And say "yazzuh" and such...

To get along in this world
Takes some real "shuckin' and jivin'",
A song and dance for survivin' today...
If you can get by without japin',
Without "bowin' and scrapin'"
If you can find dignity in this life
Sister, show me the way...

ELMORE looks at EMMA who is hanging her head. He takes her hand and they dance to the ragtime melody. The dance ranges from a turkey trot to a cakewalk. Towards the end it seems he has started to win her over.

ELMORE
(singing)

So cork up, cork up, cork up.
Ya gotta put on that black face.
Ya gotta fork up that slack face
The white folks love so much.

Buck up, buck up, buck up.
You can't show you're unhappy.
Just play stupid and slappy.
Say "yazzuh" and such...
(speaking) And don't expect too much...

The music comes to an ending.

EMMA

Maybe you're right, Mr. Johns.

ELMORE
(kissing her hand)

Sweet Emma, call me "Elmore".

EMMA

You may be right, Mr. Johns. Maybe we all play the clown but we all don't make millions at it. We all don't play it thirty feet high and forty feet wide for every yay-hoo to laugh at. I really gotta go. Good-bye!

EMMA exits.

ACT I, scene iv. MARY MCGONIGLE's bungalow.

MARY is typing furiously. There are wads of paper on her desk and scattered around her room. As the lights come up she rolls out her latest page, reads it hopefully, makes a face, crumples the paper and tosses it over her shoulder. She cranks another page into the typewriter. There is a knock at the door.

MARY

Come in.

She continues typing. The door opens and EMMA enters. DENNIS and MIKE wait in the hallway.

EMMA

Mary, we're ready to go. (looks at grocery list) Anything else you need?

MARY

Yes: an ending for this screenplay.

EMMA

That's easy.

MARY (turning to see her)

Well, I'm glad you think so.

EMMA

Movies are simple. If it's funny, marry everybody off. If it's sad, let 'em die.

MARY

I'm afraid Hollywood doesn't much like death scenes these days.

EMMA

I got it. Let 'em die, but make 'em angels. Folks'll go for angels.

MARY

Emma, I think you're in the wrong business.

EMMA

I coulda told you that.

MARY

You want me to call a taxi?

EMMA

No. The boys'll take me in Elmore's Cadillac.

MARY looks over DENNIS and MIKE.

MARY
(to EMMA)

You and Mr. Johns patch things up?

EMMA

Not hardly.

MARY
(to MIKE and DENNIS)

My, but don't you two look sharp? (stands) Say, don't I know you? (walks over to the door) Come in. Come in.

EMMA

They're driving into Hollywood to find themselves an agent and such.

MARY

Can't you two speak for yourselves? Are you sure you're brassy enough for the movies?

MIKE

Well, I guess we'd better be going now.

MARY

So you have a tongue after all...You boys ever been to New York?

DENNIS
(his Bronx accent giving him away)

No. We ain't never been there.

MARY

That's funny. I could swear...Anyway, thanks for giving Emma a lift. And Emma, take the rest of the day off, check into your hotel, take in the sights, see a movie... (they start to leave) Wait. (heads to typewriter) We'll call this a first draft. (types a few sentences, reading aloud as she types) "Fade in on a wedding. They both say 'I do'. Montage: couple kissing, wedding bells chiming, friends throwing rice. The End. Fade Out."

MARY yanks the paper from the typewriter, making the platen "whiz".

MARY

You boys going by Modern Artists?

MARY boxes the manuscript, hands it over to MIKE.

MIKE

Sure thing.

MARY

Give them this. Tell them its only a first draft, but I'll await their suggestions for changes.

DENNIS

You bet.

MIKE and DENNIS start out the door.

MARY

Tell you what. For what it's worth, I'll call ahead and ask them to find you a good agent.

DENNIS

Gee thanks.

EMMA
(to MARY)

See you this evening.

MARY

See you then (they exit)...And take good care of that script. I didn't have time to type a copy! Lights fade to black.

Act I, scene v. A receptionist's office at Modern Artists Studios.

Lights come up on RITA ROMAINE, who is typing with great difficulty. Her desk is a mass of papers. MIKE and DENNIS enter through the front door.

MIKE

Excuse me.

RITA keeps typing.

DENNIS

Say, miss...

RITA keeps typing.

MIKE

Miss?

RITA keeps typing.

DENNIS

Could ya knock it off?...Knock it off, huh?

RITA stops typing, stands and turns toward them.

RITA
(to DENNIS)

Hey, you're cute...May I help you gentlemen?

MIKE

You? How did you get here?

RITA

Who me? I've always been here.

MIKE
(after looking her over)

I'm sorry, but you look just like someone I know...Mrs. McGonigle recommended us. She said she'd ask about an agent for us.

RITA

Sure thing.

RITA searches her in-box. She finds a sheet of paper with a business card clipped to it and detaches the card.

RITA
(handing a card to a MIKE)

Here ya are. They gave ya Mr. Gold--"Good as Gold" he always tells me. (looking into DENNIS' eyes) He's cute too.

MIKE
(still looking at her intently)

Oh yeah. Mrs. McGonigle asked us to drop this script off here. She says to call her if she needs to rewrite anything...Are you sure I didn't know you in New York?

RITA takes the script and puts it in her in-box.

RITA

I'll hand it to G. L. soon as he comes outta his conference.

DENNIS

G. L.? You mean G. L. Rappoport?

RITA

Sure, cutey. Didn't ya know?

MIKE

Wow. The great G. L. himself.

DENNIS

Say, we're a couple of top-notch song and dance men--actors too. Think he could use us? Could we have this (looks at business card) Morris J. Gold call him?

RITA

Sure thing, Sugar. You can call here anytime.

DENNIS
(sitting on the corner of her desk)

You're not spoken for, are ya?

RITA
(bats her eyelashes)

Well, not exactly.

RITA puckers her lips and closes her eyes. DENNIS puckers and their lips touch. MIKE breaks in.

MIKE

You wouldn't happen to have a twin sister in Manhattan would ya?

RITA's and DENNIS' lips are still barely touching as RITA answers MIKE.

RITA

No, but I have a twin in Chicago.

DENNIS
(his lips still poised next to RITA's)

It's not her, Mike. Okay? Can we kiss now?

MIKE

Oh, go ahead then.

RITA and DENNIS finally kiss, their lips just touching and then a deeper, longer kiss. Suddenly, OLIVER MCGONIGLE comes through the inner office door. He directs his words to the unseen G. L. Rappoport while RITA backs away from DENNIS hurriedly, leaving a bewildered DENNIS still puckering.

RITA
(straightening her dress)

Ollie darling.

DENNIS

Darling? Now wait a minute--

RITA smiles sheepishly at DENNIS. MIKE takes DENNIS aside and tries to calm him down.

OLIVER
(still speaking into the inner office)

I understand, G. L.--Well, wait 'til you see my last picture with Baroque. Of course, I can't talk about it now, but it will be a masterpiece. It'll do big box office. You'll see. And then we'll talk. Okay? (almost stumbling, closing the door) Good-bye, G. L.

MIKE
(to RITA)

We have to be going now.

DENNIS

No we don't. Not yet. I want to know what---

MIKE
(pushing DENNIS out the door)

Yes we do have to go, Dennis. We have to see Mr. Gold. Thank you, Miss Romaine. (wipes lipstick off DENNIS, nods a greeting to OLIVER) Mr. McGonigle.

MIKE and DENNIS exit, DENNIS reluctantly.

OLIVER
(nodding to them)

Gentlemen.

OLIVER sits on RITA's desk, takes her hands in his, urgently.

OLIVER

Rita dear...owww!

OLIVER stands abruptly.

RITA
(looking at the seat of OLIVER's pants)

Oh look, Ollie, you found those thumb tacks I was looking for. Sorry.

OLIVER pulls out the tacks with difficulty and with no small amount of pain.

OLIVER

Rita, I'm in a real jam.

RITA
(pouting in sympathy)

The conference didn't go, huh?

OLIVER

No it didn't. If I don't have an absolute success with my next movie, I'm out of my contract with Baroque, and no one else will take a chance on me. I need a show and a star. And I don't even have a show.

RITA

Gee, it's too bad G. L. won't give ya a break.

OLIVER
(spying the script in the in-box)

Yes. What is this? (reaches for script, but RITA takes it) Say!

RITA

Oh no. That's Mrs. McGonigle's. G. L.'s expecting it.

OLIVER

Does he know it's here?

RITA

OLIVER

Then let me borrow it.

RITA

Gee. I don't know...

OLIVER (uncharacteristically childish)

Pwiddy Pwease. For Owwie-Wawwie?

RITA (charmed)

For Owwie-Wawwie?...But if G. L. catches me, he'll fire me.

OLIVER

Pwease...You know I'll find you a job, sweetheart.

RITA

I know. I'll just put it in the in-box like this. (puts script in the in-box) And I'll turn around and finish typing G. L.'s letter. (turns around and types) And I just can't see what goes on behind my back.

OLIVER takes the script, hides it inside his jacket and exits the front door.

RITA
(loudly over her typing)

Anything else I can do for you, Mr. McGonigle?...Huh?

RITA stops typing and turns around. OLIVER is already out of the door. She shrugs and sighs.

RITA

Ohhhh...I shouldna done that. I shouldna kissed that cute guy either. I guess I just can't help myself. I'm a sucker for handsome and cute. (sings)

"Fickle Nature"

If the guy is kinda cute,
If he looks sharp in his suit,
And if he's kinda rich to boot,
He suits me just fine.
Then I'm head-over-heals in his direction,
Then I'm proud as punch to know he is mine.

But if another man intrudes,
I may be in for a change of moods.
As long as he's got the gudes
I'll turn his way.
And I never stop to reflect on my defection.
When fickle nature calls, my poor heart must obey.

Well, I gotta stop to think,
When I'm leaping from the brink,
Of when I won't be in the pink
And my hair turns gray.
I'll wanna hubby then for warmth and affection.
Maybe its time my life made a course correction.
I'd better settle down at last for my own protection.
And I really and truly will try to change my ways...
(speaks, shrugs)
Just maybe not today.

Act I, scene vi. Still in the same office.

A couple of henchmen, LOUIE and FRANKIE, enter through the front door. They look around as if someone might be hiding in the room. When they are satisfied the room is secure, FRANKIE opens the door and backs away. ROCCO "THE RAT" DIROCCO enters, his arm around a flashily dressed platinum blonde who looks a lot like RITA.

RITA

Ruthie?

RUTHIE ROMAINE recognizes RITA, crosses to her, hugs her and kisses her on the cheek.

RUTHIE

Sis, I can't believe it. What are you doin' here?

RITA

I'm workin' for Mr. G. L. Rappoport. Pretty classy, huh?

RUTHIE

I'll say. No wonder I couldn't find you at Woolworth's in New York.

RITA

I met a nice guy, rich too. He took me away from all that and brought me here.

RUTHIE

Well, what do ya know? Rocco here, took me to New York and now to Hollywood to take me away from all that in Chicago. Also, the heat was on.

ROCCO

Do ya have to tell this broad our business?

RUTHIE

Rocco, sweetie, this is my twin sister Rita...Rocco-Rita, Rita-Rocco.

RITA

Nice to meet ya.

ROCCO

Twins, huh? (Looks from RUTHIE to RITA and back again.) I don't see it.

LOUIE, one of the henchmen, speaks up.

LOUIE

Me neither, boss.

ROCCO

Who asked you? (to RITA) You the broad I talk to if I wanna see this Rappoport guy?

RITA (cheerfully)

I'm the one.

ROCCO

You think I could see him now?

RITA

Maybe. Do you have a card?

ROCCO

Yeah, I got a card. Frankie, give the nice broad a card.

FRANKIE, takes a wallet from his jacket pocket, finds a card in it and hands the card to RITA.

ROCCO

Tell Rappoport Rocco DiRocco, president of DiRocco Concrete and Loan, Ink of Joliet, Illi-noise and East Orange, New Joysey, would like to see him.

RITA

All rightie.

RITA crosses and knocks at G. L. Rappoport's door.

ROCCO

I just don't see the resemblance.

LOUIE

Me neither.

ROCCO

Shut up!

FRANKIE

Maybe a little around the eyes.

ROCCO

Who asked you?

RITA opens G. L.'s door and speaks into the inner office.

RITA

A Mr. DiRocco to see you, G. L. Here's his card...Okay.

RITA turns to speak to ROCCO.

RITA

I'm sorry, sir. Mr. Rappoport is very busy this--

ROCCO (crossing to G. L.'s office rudely)

I don't think he knows who I am.

ROCCO enters G. L.'s office and closes the door behind him.

RUTHIE (showing a little embarrassment)

Rocco just can't take no for an answer. He's very persuasive.

RITA

He's sure got some moxie.

ROCCO sticks his head out of G. L.'s door.

ROCCO

Boys, come meet Mr. Rappoport.

LOUIE

Excuse us ladies, our presence is requested.

LOUIE and FRANKIE cross and exit into G. L.'s office.

RUTHIE

Rocco says he can get me into the movies, ain't he somethin'?

RITA

He's somethin' all right. So you two are goin' steady?

RUTHIE

Well, I was kinda sweet on this Broadway actor up until a few days ago. He ran out on me--of course, Rocco's boys sorta chased him outta town. But that just means Rocco loves me, right? He's so cute when he's jealous.

RITA

I can see that.

RUTHIE

Rocco's gonna invest in a movie. That's what he's probably tellin' Mr. Rappoport right now. There is a noise from G. L.'s office. Something has been dropped or thrown or smashed. RITA and RUTHIE both cringe.

RITA

Must be drivin' home a point.

RUTHIE

Of course, I don't expect to be a star right off the bat.

There is another violent sound coming from G. L.'s office. RITA and RUTHIE cringe again.

RITA

I wouldn't be at all surprised, though.

RUTHIE

I'll be a starlet in the first picture. I won't be a real star until the next one.

RITA

There is the loudest, most cringe-making crash of all in the inner room. Presently, LOUIE, FRANKIE and ROCCO leave G. L.'s office, straightening their coats and ties.

ROCCO

Mr. Rappoport wants to think over my offer. (to RUTHIE) Doll, I have a hunch you're gonna be a star. I can just feel it in my knuckles. (rubs his right fist) Let's go. Come on boys. (looking between the twins again) I don't see the resemblance. (exits, behind RUTHIE through the front door)

RUTHIE
(shrugging)

See ya later, Sis.

RITA

So long.

FRANKIE
(exiting behind ROCCO)

Maybe a little around the eyes. (exits)

ROCCO
(from outside)

Shut up!

LOUIE
(right behind FRANKIE)

I see what you mean, Frankie. (exits)

ROCCO
(from outside, a little farther away)

Who asked you?!

After they have gone, RITA cautiously approaches the door to G. L.'s office. She opens it and looks in.

RITA
(first in shock and then in pity)

G. L.! Oh, G. L....

Act I, scene vii.Inside MARY MCGONIGLE's bungalow.

MARY is at the kitchen door directing MIKE and DENNIS, who are carrying bags within boxes of groceries stacked so high as to hide their faces.

MARY

Just set them on the table with the rest of them. (They do so.) Thanks. (opens a coin purse she has in her hands) I'm afraid I won't have much cash until Modern Artists picks up my option on my screenplay. Can you split a five for a tip?

MARY offers MIKE a bill.

MIKE

That's all right, Mrs. McGonigle, you don't need to--

MARY

But I insist. And "Mrs. McGonigle" is so formal. Just call me "Mary". After all, any friends of Elmore Johns are okay in my book.

DENNIS
(taking the five-dollar bill)

Thanks. We will take the five.

MARY

It's funny. I still don't know your names.

MIKE

That's right...We're Al and Joe.

MARY

Okay, so who's Al and who's Joe?

MIKE and DENNIS
(pointing to each other)

He is.

MIKE

MARY

So, Al, did you drop off my screenplay at Modern Artists?

MIKE

Yes, ma'm...Mary. We gave it right to G. L. Rappoport's receptionist.

MARY (pleased)

Good. Good. And did they find you an agent?

DENNIS

Yes, some guy named Morris Gold.

MARY

I understand he's a good one. "Good as gold," they say...And Emma, did you take her to her hotel?

MIKE

Yes we did. She said she'd do some shopping, take in the movies and see you Friday.

MARY

That's right. I almost forgot, Thursday's her day off...Well, I guess that's all...Oh could you pick up Emma for me Friday morning? If you're not too busy.

DENNIS

Who us? Sure thing, Mary...Well, thanks again. (waves the fiver) Come on, Mike...I mean Al.

MARY

You're very welcome, Joe.

MARY mulls over the name "Mike". DENNIS and MIKE cross downstage of MARY and exit through the kitchen door. MARY's telephone rings.

MARY
(before answering)

"Mike," huh? (snaps her fingers) "Mike!" That's where I know him from! And his friend is the understudy. I'll deal with them later.(answers the kitchen telephone) Hello...

A spotlight comes up on the other side of the stage to reveal a desk and OLIVER MCGONIGLE standing behind it. He is holding a telephone receiver up to his face with one hand and the envelope containing MARY's screenplay in his other hand.

OLIVER

Mary? Oliver here. Say, I've got an invitation and a deal for you.

MARY

I'm not interested, Oliver.

OLIVER

I think you will be interested when I tell you what I've done for you.

MARY
(somewhat ominously)

What have you done, Oliver?

OLIVER

I've sold your screenplay "Manhattan Melody" to Modern Artists--with me producing, of course...

MARY
(upset)

You did what? Wait a minute...How do you know it's called--

OLIVER

MARY

How did you get ahold of it, you weasel?

OLIVER

I sort of borrowed it from G. L. Rappoport’s secretary. But G. L. was really keen to make a deal for it. He's got this sponsor who has this protégé--a very gifted young lady, I understand--and he wants to put her in the movies--you know, to sort of showcase her talents.

MARY

Your stole my play for some bimbo?!

OLIVER

Take it easy. She just gets a minor part. All you have to do is meet with G. L. to clinch the deal.

MARY

I'll clinch my fists and beat you senseless; that's what I'll clinch. You must be out of your mind to think you can get away with this!

OLIVER

Please try to be rational. This is a good deal: you will have a big budget for your musical, with the biggest stars; I get to produce a sure-fire hit; this bim--this starlet gets a big break and everybody makes lots of money. What do you say?

MARY

What do I say? What do I say? I say if you don't bring my screenplay back to me right now, I'll call my lawyer in New York! That's what I say!

OLIVER

Sweetie please.

MARY

Don't call me Sweetie! Save your pet names for your little peroxide princess.

OLIVER

Mary, look, I don't see any copyright notice on your play. You've heard the expression "Possession is nine tenths of the law." Well I have possession.

MARY

Thief! Plagiarist! Idiot!

OLIVER

No, Mary, I'm not going to plagiarize anything. But I'm desperate. I need this picture. It's a great script and, with your name on it, it can't miss...G. L. got William Wallace to direct. You like his work, right?

MARY

How could you possibly think you could--

OLIVER

All I want to do is produce. I promise you can make this picture just the way you want; no one will make any changes without your approval. You can get the best stars available, the best crew. All we need to close the deal is a big star for the male lead. That's why I've sunk all my money into this party I'm inviting you to. All of Hollywood is invited.

MARY

Party?! Party?! You think I'm going to come to your party after you steal my screenplay and hold it for ransom?!

OLIVER

G. L. Rappoport will be there and William Wallace and all the top actors. How would you like to sign up Dick Powell or Al Jolson or even Fred Astaire?--I think he's going to be even bigger in Hollywood than he was on Broadway. He made a big splash with Ginger Rogers in "Flying Down To Rio".

MARY

You have lost all touch with reality, Oliver. Now bring me back my screenplay and I'll let you live. How's that for a deal? Huh?!

OLIVER

You're upset now; I can see that. You need time to think it over. Oh yes, it's a costume party. Come as your favorite movie star. Invite anyone you want. It's Saturday at 8:00.

MARY

I'm going to hang up now before I go as insane as you are. If you value your miserable hide, you'll bring back my screenplay! Now! Do you hear me? Good-bye!

MARY hangs up and OLIVER's spotlight goes out.

MARY
(growling)

Ohhhhhhh! I'll kill him! (sings)

"Revenge Song"
(tango tempo)

Who does he think he is?
Why does he think he can do just anything?
How can he dream he can get away with this?
Who does he think I am?
Some meek little wife of no known resource,
A shy little girl with no further recourse
But to allow him to subvert my needs for his?

I can't let him have his way.
He's just a bully who thinks he's important,
An oaf who feels he can always do just as he may.
I need to come up with a plan,
A gem of a scheme to steal my own script back,
A proposal of war, a battle plan of attack
To recover my screenplay and to really make him pay!

Oh I don't want revenge.
I just want what is mine, only that and nothing more.
Don't need to see him cringe,
'Though it would be nice to clamp his head in a vice
'Till his eyes bug out and his brains go oozing onto the floor!

Mary
(pulling herself together, speaking)

No, that won't be necessary. There are more subtle means of getting back what is mine. I need help and I know just where I can get it. He said I can invite friends to his little costume party. I know two Broadway types who owe me a big favor. (sings)

Well, that's just what I'll do.
I'll go to his party but with my chums.
Pretending to give in, I'll secretly unleash my crew.
Together we'll find my play,
And together retaking it, we'll go about making it
With the director and stars to make it a hit.
Just how we'll manage I haven't yet got a clue. (speaking)
But I'll have my revenge on Oliver McGonigle before I'm through!

--END OF ACT I--

Act II, scene i.OLIVER MCGONIGLE's spacious Beverly Hills home.

The party guests are dancing to the music of a society jazz band and milling about sipping martinis and champagne. All are dressed as their favorite movie stars, Charlie Chaplins and Greta Garbos predominating. The color scheme is basically black and white, with a touch of color here and there. OLIVER has donned an impressive gaucho costume and is nursing his martini. A very exclusive sounding doorbell rings. OLIVER directs a tuxedoed man, whose back is turned, to answer the door.

OLIVER

Would you be so kind as to get that, Donaldson?

GUEST
(slightly drunk, in a transylvanian accent)

I am Lugosi! Your servant is hanging Renfield's coat in the hallway closet.

OLIVER

Sorry, Roger, old man. Loved your last picture. Could we talk later? (calls out) I say, Donaldson?

DONALDSON enters from the far end of the stage and stands waiting for instructions.

DONALDSON

Sir?

OLIVER

I believe we have more guests at the door.

DONALDSON

Of course, sir.

DONALDSON crosses in front of the GUEST, who tugs at his tuxedo tails.

GUEST
(in his own voice)

Donaldson, that your name?

DONALDSON

Yes, sir. I will freshen your champagne in a moment, sir.

GUEST

Who are you supposed to be?

DONALDSON

I am the butler sir.

GUEST

But who are you dressed like?

DONALDSON
(trying to expedite things)

Mr. Gary Cooper, sir.

GUEST
(apparently satisfied with the explanation, letting go of the tux)

Naturally.

The GUEST stumbles away, presumably to the wet bar, as DONALDSON continues to the door. He exits briefly offstage and returns with some coats over his arm. He is followed by MARY MCGONIGLE dressed somewhat like Little Bo Peep.

DONALDSON
(announcing the new guests)

Mrs. Mary McGonigle and acquaintances.

DONALDSON exits toward his original entrance with the coats. OLIVER crosses to MARY, who is at the far end of the stage so that we don't yet see her "acquaintances".

MARY
(embarrassed and uneasy in her costume)

Some lot of doilies you found me for a costume. Just what am I supposed to be, Oliver: Sears and Roebuck’s St. Valentine's Day Catalogue?

OLIVER

Why, you're Mary Pickford, of course, as "Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm". That's how I see you, Mary: America's Sweetheart, pure and innocent.

MARY

I'm only doing this because I want to do my screenplay. Now, can we talk to William Wallace and G. L. Rappoport and sign the contract, so I can go home and get out of this crinoline puffball?

OLIVER

Mary, please. Try to get into the spirit of the party. You know contract negotiations take time. Besides, not everyone has arrived yet. Just relax and mingle. You might find the stars we need. I understand that Jolson is back east tonight, but Ruby Keeler is here. (looks around and finally points into the audience) There. I believe that's Cagney in the Tom Mix get up. Go have fun. I'll find you later. Please, don't keep your friends lingering in the foyer. Dance, laugh, have fun. (calling out) Donaldson, champagne for our new arrivals!

OLIVER exits into the crowd. MARY steps toward stage center followed by a Rudolph Valentino as "The Sheik", a Charlie Chaplin and a “blackface” minstrel.

MARY

This is going to take some time, so just mingle. Keep me in view. I'll keep an eye on Oliver. When you see me stretch and yawn that means I've switched the stack of papers for the screenplay. Then you just have to walk behind me and I'll pass you the script. Got it?

MIKE
("The Sheik")

Got it.

DENNIS
("Chaplin")

Got it.

ELMORE
("minstrel")

You bet.

MARY

Mr. Johns, it's so good of you to come.

ELMORE

Well now, I couldn't pass up my first Hollywood party. I do feel antsy, though. Maybe I'd better stay in character.

MARY

As you wish.

ELMORE

I do a great Jolson. Best thing is, you just can't overdo Jolson.

MARY

Truer words were never spoken. Have fun and keep these two out of trouble.

ELMORE

I'll do that.

MARY exits into the mingling crowd upstage.

DENNIS

Well, let's mingle. (pointing somewhere into the audience) Get a load of the guys doing the Marx Brothers. They're pretty good.

MIKE

What do you know about that? Those really are the Marx Brothers. I've met a couple of them.

ELMORE

You don't say.

MIKE

The switch is they're playing each other. See, Zeppo is Groucho, Groucho is Chico, Chico is Harpo...

ELMORE

Who's that guy without a costume, the guy in the suit?

MIKE

That's Harpo as Zeppo, naturally.

DENNIS

Naturally. (looking around) Behind us: one Theta Bara and no less than three Greta Garbos at the punchbowl. What do you say we mingle at the old watering hole?

MIKE

I'm with you.

MIKE and DENNIS start to cross upstage to the punchbowl.

ELMORE

Easy, fellas. Remember, we need to keep an eye on Mrs. McGonigle.

MIKE

And we'll do just that, but you heard the lady: She said to mingle.

The three make their way to the punchbowl, but ELMORE (as Al Jolson) is intercepted by the GUEST in the Dracula costume.

GUEST
(even more drunk than before)

Joley. Joley. Sing us a song. (puts his arm around ELMORE who turns his head away from the alcohol breath) You're Jolson, aren't you? Please say you're Jolson. I love Jolson.

ELMORE
(doing his best Jolson impression)

Nyah. Nyah. I'm not really--I mean, I can't sing without my music. A just came here to drink a little punch, munch a little canape.

GUEST

Nonsense. (let's go of ELMORE and steps back) Jolson doesn't need music. (turning around he calls into the upstage crowd) You at the piano! You in the Rudy Vallee outfit! Yeah, Gershwin! Play a little "Swanee" for Jolson to sing here!

The CROWD stops and turns toward the two men.

ELMORE

Nyah. Folks are here for a party. They don't wanna stop and listen to a song.

CROWD
(variously)

No, please sing for us. Come on Joley. Is it really Jolson? I thought he was in New York. Or was it Philadelphia? Sing, Joley!

GUEST

Ya see. Your public wants to hear you sing. What do ya say?

ELMORE

Well, Jolson hasn't let down an audience yet. (to the crowd) What would you folks like to hear?

CROWD
(variously)

"Swanee"! "Mammy"! "Sonny Boy". A mammy song! Come on, Joley, sing us a mammy song!

ELMORE

I guess I'm dressed for it all right. (CROWD laughs as he turns toward the piano player) Mr. piano player, do you know "Back To My Mammy"? Any key you want. (sings)

We hear a few introductory bars from the piano and ELMORE sings and dances the song.

"Back To My Mammy"

I wanna go back to the shack
In the back of the track
Across the Swannnnnnnnee.
I wanna fall in the arms away from harm
Without alarm for the charms
Of my Mommmmmmmie.

I'm goin' back to my mammy,
To my home outside Miami.
I'm no more Alabamy bound.
I'm gonna tell my girlfriend, Fanny
I'm leavin' from Al-BAN-ny.
And I'm headin' for that (rhyming it with "Fanny")
Swannee ground. (speaking)
You know I'm comin' back to ya, Mammy.
It's your little sonny boy, Joley! (chanting)

Mammy, I'm gonna kiss ya
And tell ya how I miss ya.
I'd fight the whole militia
Just to wish ya could just squish a
Little Swanee River mud with me! (speaking)
Oh, Mammy, just squish a little mud between your toes
with your little Joely boy! (singing)

I won't go to Alabamy
I won't join my Uncle Sammy
Give me that buttered toast and jammy
Of my little ol' Miami mammmmy!

With the end of the song ELMORE is down on one knee with his arms outstretched for applause. The CROWD does applaud and cheer enthusiastically. Another such "minstrel" enters from the foyer.

JOLSON

One more time!

There is an audible gasp from the CROWD as JOLSON sizes up ELMORE and turns toward the piano player.

JOLSON

ELMORE and JOLSON
(singing together)

I won't go to Alabamy
I won't join my Uncle Sammy
Give me that buttered toast and jammy
Of my little ol' Miami mammmmy!

With their arms outstretched ELMORE and JOLSON accept the wild acclaim of the CROWD.

Act I, scene ii. Still at OLIVER MCGONIGLE's party.

MARY pushes her way DOWN STAGE and between the ELMORE and JOLSON.

MARY
(grabbing JOLSON's arm)

Okay, Uncle Edgar, you've had your fun. Let the nice people get back to their party.

JOLSON

Hey, lady, I'm Jolson. (CROWD laughs) This one must be your Uncle Edgar. (shakes ELMORE's hand) Well, sir. Edgar, old boy, you almost out Jolsonned Jolson. (to the CROWD) Let's have a big hand for the little lady's Uncle Edgar! (CROWD applauds as ELMORE bows) Now the real Joley is back, and folks, you ain't heard nothin' yet! (CROWD cheers) But first, where's my little Ruby? Ruby, find me the champagne! Joley’s here!

JOLSON crosses upstage followed by the whole crowd though some shake ELMORE's hand and pat him on the back before they join their idol.

MARY

I thought you were keeping an eye on the Katzenjammer Kids.

ELMORE

I got in a bind. Worked out though. Fast thinkin' there on your part.

MARY

There's been a change in plans. Oliver doesn't have the script with him. It's up in his bedroom. While I distract Oliver by stretching out the negotiations, I need you to collect Ted Healy's Stooges, wherever they are, and get that screenplay.

ELMORE

Now I don't know. I mean, crashin' a party is one thing, it's even kind of exhilaratin', but...

MARY

You don't have to stick your neck out, just send in Frick and Frack and kind of keep watch.

ELMORE

I'll do it. Whatever it takes. Might even be fun.

MARY

You know, I've been thinking, that performance of yours was not bad. I'll bet the movie-going public would go for your singing and dancing in a big way. And wouldn't Modern Artists or Baroque Pictures just love to have their own Bill Robinson?

ELMORE

What do you mean?

MARY

I could interpolate a specialty routine into my screenplay. Could you work out a sophisticated Harlem number?

ELMORE
(thrilled)

I hope to say!

MARY

It could mean a whole new career for you.

ELMORE
(takes her hand and kisses her knuckles)

For you, Mrs. M, anything.

MARY

Now I've drawn up a map of the house on this napkin. (removes a linen napkin from her purse, unfolds it) Here's the master bedroom up here. You can get there by the stairs but someone will probably stop the three of you before you get too far. I think your best bet is to take the dumbwaiter up from the kitchen.

ELMORE

The dumbwaiter?

MARY

Oliver once used it to haul himself up to the bedroom to surprise me on our first anniversary. He was stark naked, of course.

ELMORE

Of course.

MARY

He was quite a hoot in those days. I don't know how he got to be such a stuffed shirt later. Anyway, that's how I know it can hold the weight of a person.

OLIVER
(calling from upstage)

Oh, Mary!

MARY

There's lover boy now. Here, take the map.

Elmore takes the map and exits, looking for the others. OLIVER finds his way through the crowd to MARY.

OLIVER

Mary, old girl, there you are. I've got William Wallace and G. L. Rapoport in the drawing room. They are just primed for negotiation. Shall we?

OLIVER holds out his arm. MARY holds it and they disappear into the UPSTAGE CROWD. JOLSON crosses DOWNSTAGE center followed by the CROWD.

JOLSON
(turning to speak to someone in the back of the CROWD)

Ruby, darling. Just a minute, honey. (to the CROWD) Everybody. Everybody. Would you like to hear me sing a little ballad? Gather around now. Joley's gonna sing a little ballad for you. I'm singin' this one only for you, Ruby honey. (signals to piano player, speaks over music)

"Ruby"

You know, honey...
I could buy any trinket in the jeweler's store:
Diamonds and silver and gold.
But there's a gem that to me means so much more.
And I want it to have and to hold.

Ruby, you're my little ruby.
All I want is to be
With you in my arms.
One day, maybe even Sunday,
I'll say "I do" to you,
To you and all your charms.

Happy, we will be so happy,
This little gal and chappy.
I'll be your clinging vine.
And Ruby, please say you'll be my ruby,
Ruby, please stay and say that day,
The day that you'll be mine.

Act II, scene iii. The kitchen and master bedroom of OLIVER MCGONIGLE's house.

While JOLSON is singing the scene changes to a double set: on one side is the kitchen of OLIVER MCGONIGLE's house, on the other side is his upstairs bedroom. DENNIS MARCONI (dressed as Charlie Chaplin's "Little Tramp") is helping MIKE O'SHAWNESSY (Rudolph Valentino as "The Sheik") into the dumbwaiter shaft. ELMORE is standing as lookout.

MIKE
(climbing inside, sitting on the dumbwaiter shelf)

Wait a minute. Let me cross my legs. (does so) Here, take my burnoose. (hands it to DENNIS)

DENNIS

Pardon?

MIKE

The head dress.

DENNIS

Oh...Are you ready? Now pull yourself up by the cord until you clear the cabinet. Then I'll take over.

MIKE

Okay. (pulls and gradually disappears from view, then in a loud whisper) Dennis? I'm holding on.

DENNIS

All right. (grasps the cord firmly) When I count to three, you let go and I'll take it.

MIKE
(beginning to tire)

Go ahead.

DENNIS

Okay. One...Two...Three! Rats!

MIKE

Watch it!

DENNIS

Just slipped a little. I've got it now. Just relax and I'll pull you the rest of the way up.

MIKE
(after a time)

Easy...Easy.

DENNIS keeps pulling the ropes.

MIKE

Just a little more. (his face appearing) Stop. Hold it. I think I can crawl through now.

DENNIS
(in a loud stage whisper)

Do you see it?

MIKE

It's not in plain sight.

DENNIS

I'm coming up.

MIKE

Okay. I'm sending the shelf back down.

DENNIS
(after a few seconds)

Got it. (climbs into the dumbwaiter opening) Just a minute. (situates himself into the proper fetal position) I'm ready.

ELMORE

I'll hoist ya.

DENNIS

You sure?

ELMORE

I ain't that old. I've got my strength yet.

MIKE

What's that?

DENNIS

Elmore will take the rope.

MIKE

Fine. My arms are kind of tired.

DENNIS

YOUR arms?

ELMORE

You ready?

DENNIS

Hoist away.

ELMORE

Here goes.

ELMORE pulls on the cord for a time until DENNIS calls down to him in a whisper.

DENNIS

Stop a second.

ELMORE

What's up?

DENNIS

My shoe's dragging on the shaft. Let me pull it in...There.

ELMORE

Ready?

The drunken GUEST enters, stumbling into the kitchen.

GUEST

Hey, this isn't the water closet. There's pots and pans...(starts to turn, turns back) I see you there. Are you Jolson or the other one?

DENNIS (from the shaft)

What's the hold up?

ELMORE

Shhhh!

GUEST

What was that? Where did that voice come from?

ELMORE

Good evenin' to you, friend.

GUEST

What are you doing?

ELMORE

Uh...Rats. (makes scratching sounds inside the wall)

GUEST

Rats? In Beverly Hills?

ELMORE

Minks really. (more scratching)

GUEST

Minks? Pretty fancy rats.

ELMORE

You see, Miss Keeler's pet minks got loose and they're in the walls.

GUEST

Pet minks?

ELMORE

Please don't tell her. Why, if she thinks they're lost, it could break her heart.

GUEST

Break her heart? I wouldn't do that. Can I help?

ELMORE

I think I've got them both by the tail. (scratching louder) Now you'd better go...for your own safety. They're liable to bite and scratch everything in sight when I pull them out. Nasty tempers.

GUEST

Just give me time. (starts to leave)

ELMORE

And not a word to anyone, especially Miss Keeler.

GUEST

Not a word. Joley, you're more than a star; you've got heart. (exits)

ELMORE
(calling into the shaft)

He's gone. My arms are about shot.

MIKE

I'll take it from here. On three, okay?

ELMORE

Right.

MIKE

Okay. One...two...

There is a knock at the kitchen door.

ELMORE

Wait.

DENNIS

Hey! Watch it.

MIKE

I've got ya.

ELMORE

Shhhh! I gotta get the door.

DENNIS

Okay, but hurry.

MIKE

No kidding.

ELMORE

Hang on. (opens the kitchen door) Why, Miss Emma, to what do I owe this pleasure?

EMMA
(ready to faint)

Mister, you ain’t who I think you are...

ELMORE
(bowing)

At your service.

EMMA

You old fool. I don’t care if you are some kinda movie star; you gotta be outta your mind crashin’ the white folks’ party.

ELMORE

Now settle down, Miss Emma. I’m here to help out Mrs. M.

DENNIS
(in a loud whisper)

Do you mind?

ELMORE

Excuse me, my lady. (crosses to the dumbwaiter cabinet, takes the ropes) I got it now. Here we go. (pulls the rope)

DENNIS

I’m there.

ELMORE

I’ve got it.

DENNIS
(climbing out of the upstairs cabinet)

I’m out. Thanks.

As DENNIS and MIKE search the bedroom Elmore fixes the dumbwaiter cords and crosses to EMMA.

EMMA

I don’t even want to know what you all are up to.

ELMORE

I tell you, we’re helpin’ Mrs. McGonigle.

EMMA

She okay? She left a note for me to bring a block of ice for the party, and just in case she got an excuse to leave, I could have a taxi waitin’.

ELMORE

She’s fine, but it sure is mighty good to see you.

EMMA

That ice is meltin’ in the rumble seat of the cab. You’d best fetch it.

ELMORE

Will do. You stay here and keep a look out while the boys are upstairs.

EMMA

I don’t even want to know.

ELMORE

Good. It’s best you don’t.

ELMORE exits out the kitchen door. EMMA looks like a fish out of water. She wanders around the kitchen. Meanwhile upstairs, MIKE opens an underwear drawer.

MIKE

Got it.

MIKE removes the script from the drawer. DENNIS crosses to the dumbwaiter shaft and whispers into it.

DENNIS

We've got it.

EMMA

Bully for you.

MIKE

Who's that?

DENNIS

It's Emma. You know: Mary's housekeeper. She's okay.

We hear the voices of the drunken GUEST and the butler DONALDSON at a distance.

GUEST

The water closet's around here some place.

DONALDSON

If you will allow me, sir. I will show you the way.

We hear the bedroom doorknob turn. The door opens briefly and closes. As DENNIS hides behind the bed, MIKE crosses to the dumbwaiter and places the script on the shelf.

MIKE
(as loudly as he dares whisper)

Hello, Emma. I'm sending down Mrs. M's manuscript.

We can still hear DONALDSON arguing with the GUEST. MIKE finishes lowering the script in the dumbwaiter then he hides in the wardrobe closet.

DONALDSON
(apparently struggling)

I must insist, sir. The W.C. is down the hallway to the right.

EMMA
(louder than she should be)

GUEST
(sounding farther away)

Did you hear that? It sounds like ghosts.

DONALDSON
(also farther away)

Just to the right, sir.

GUEST

But it's not...It's not minks, either...Forget I said that.

DONALDSON

All forgotten, sir. Just behind this door, sir.

DENNIS comes out of hiding, crosses to the door and listens a while.

DENNIS

They're gone.

MIKE comes out of hiding.

MIKE

Good. Let's get out of here.

MIKE crosses to the dumbwaiter followed closely by DENNIS. MIKE pulls up the shelf once more and climbs in while DENNIS holds the rope.

MIKE

Lower away.

We see ELMORE at the kitchen's back door.

ELMORE
(whispering)

Miss Emma?

EMMA crosses to the door and opens it.

ELMORE
(holding a block of ice with huge tongs)

Thank ya kindly. Where's the sink?

EMMA
(crossing to the sink)

Over here. (hearing a noise) Somebody's coming.

MIKE
(just climbing out of the kitchen dumbwaiter cabinet)

Denny, hold it, somebody's coming.

ELMORE

Everyone just act natural.

MIKE vacates the dumbwaiter cabinet and closes its door. Everyone freezes in place. MARY enters from the side of the main house.

MARY

Good to see you're still here, Emma. Sorry it took me so long to get away.

MIKE
(opening the dumbwaiter cabinet)

The coast is clear, Dennis.

DENNIS

Coming down.

DENNIS climbs into the bedroom's dumbwaiter cabinet.

ELMORE

I've got the ice. (starts for the sink)

EMMA
(holds up the script)

I've got your screenplay. (hands it to her)

MARY

Perfect.

OLIVER
(entering with ROCCO DIROCCO and others)

Oh there you are, Mary. I've got the money man right here.

DENNIS
(from the shaft)

Ohhh...ohhh...Hey!

There is a resounding crash. The dumbwaiter cord has broken.

ELMORE
(dropping the ice on his foot)

Damn!

MIKE
(at the dumbwaiter cabinet)

Denny, are you okay?

DENNIS

I'm not sure.

RUTHIE
(rushing over to MIKE)

Sweetie, are you hurt?

DENNIS

Hey, I'm the one in pain here.

RITA
(rushing to DENNIS)

Where does it hurt, Cutie?

DENNIS
(staggering to his feet)

That's more like it.

ROCCO

That's the guy! One of them two! Louie! Frankie!

LOUIE and FRANKIE, guns in hand, push their way through the crowd as MIKE and DENNIS try to escape through the kitchen's back door.

ELMORE
(to MIKE and DENNIS)

Run! I'll put these guys on...ice!

With the word "ice" ELMORE kicks the ice block into the path of the henchmen who fall over each other, firing their guns into the ceiling. ELMORE follows MIKE and DENNIS through the kitchen door.

RUTHIE

Rocco, you're just a bully! You beat up G. L. Rappoport and you tried to kill the cute guy. You and me are through! (crosses to the door)

RITA

Wait. Ollie, I'm sorry but I gotta go with the cute too! Good-bye! Ruthie, you can stay with me for a while.

RITA and RUTHIE exit.

MARY
(holding up her pages)

I've got my script back, Oliver! All deals are off! Come on, Emma. We'll give the bimbos a lift.

EMMA

I'm with you, Mary. Nice party, y'all!

As MARY and EMMA exit through the kitchen door we hear sirens in the distance. LOUIE and FRANKIE struggle to their feet, perhaps slipping a little on chips of ice.

ROCCO

Cheese it, you mugs. The cops are comin' and we ain't paid them off yet.

FRANKIE

What about them wiseacres?

LOUIE

What about the broad?

ROCCO

Leave 'em go. There's other broads.

ROCCO and his henchmen begin to exit.

OLIVER

Mr. DiRocco, this deal fell through, but we can find another property.

ROCCO
(sadly)

Forget it. I was just doin' it for the broad anyhow. We're goin' back east. This place ain't got no class. (exits)

LOUIE

No class. (exits)

ROCCO
(outside)

Who asked you? Frankie! Get the car!

FRANKIE

Sure, Boss. Swell party folks. (tips his hat, exits)

JOLSON
(entering through the crowd)

Somebody get shot?

OLIVER

No one's shot. Everything's all right.

JOLSON

Then why so glum? Joley's here. There's a party. All we need is a song. (sings)

“The Happy Side”
(reprise)

When you're down in the dumps,
You've got the flu or the mumps
And your loved one has drifted away,br /> Even if you've lost your job,
You're being lynched by a mob,
Don't sit there and sob, but just say...

I've just gotta look on the happy side.
I've got a joy deep in my heart that I can't hide.
People laugh at me, but I don't care whatever they may say.
When I look on the happy side it's a hap-py day.

I may not have a nickel to my name,
But I've gotta chuckle all the same.
I may never be a millionaire, but long I'm alive.
If I look on the happy side I can survive.

Now many's the time, I know, in the past
I let those blues get to me,
But now I've learned to leave them alone
And they just pass right through me.

And I've just gotta look on the happy side.
I've got a joy deep in my heart that I can't hide.
People laugh at me, but I don't care whatever they may say.
When I look on the happy side...
The silly and sappy side...
When I look on the happy side...
It's a hap-py day!

JOLSON takes his applause and bows while OLIVER is more depressed than ever.

Act II, scene iv. A train station.

MIKE and DENNIS are helping MARY carry her luggage. They are followed by RITA, RUTHIE, EMMA and ELMORE, who is carrying some of EMMA's luggage. We hear a voice on the LOUD SPEAKER.

LOUD SPEAKER

Broadway Limited boarding on Track Two in five minutes! Broadway Limited boarding on Track Two in five minutes!

MARY

I think we can get porters to take the luggage from here.

Everyone sets down their bags.

ELMORE

I'm powerful sorry things just didn't work out for you, Mrs. M.

MARY

It's okay, Mr. Johns. I'm a New Yorker. Broadway's where I belong. I suspect I may be allergic to palm trees and orange juice and sunshine, anyway.

ELMORE
(taking EMMA's hand)

Sweet Emma, do you forgive me? I made an awful mess of things.

EMMA

You did no such thing. None of your fault. I hate to say this, but I'm kinda proud to know you. You were kinda brave back there. Maybe you're not such a big ol' fool after all.

ELMORE

High praise, Miss Emma, coming from you. (kisses her hand) I will miss you.

EMMA
(gazing in Elmore's eyes)

Well now...I guess we best call over some porters. (raises her arm to signal a distant porter)

ROCCO DIROCCO, followed by LOUIE and FRANKIE, enters from far upstage.

LOUIE

Hey boss, it's your girlfriend and with those birds we was gonna rub out. You sure you're gonna just let ‘em go?

FRANKIE

Yeah, the frail done ya wrong, boss.

ROCCO

Who asked ya?...No wait. I'm not just gonna let her go. Come on.

They approach the others, who are still facing away from them, on stage.

EMMA

Now where did that porter go? He damn well saw me wavin' to him.

ROCCO
(calling out)

Doll!

LOUIE
(in a stage whisper)

"Ruthie," boss.

ROCCO

Shut up...Ruthie!

RUTHIE and her group turn toward ROCCO and his henchmen who advance downstage through the middle of the non-gangsters.

ROCCO
(taking RITA by the arm)

Ruthie, doll–-

FRANKIE

That's the twin, boss.

ROCCO

Shut up...(let's go of RITA and crosses to RUTHIE, looks back and forth between the sisters) Doll, you wanna go with this mug?

RUTHIE

Oh Rocco, you've been real sweet to me, but I gotta follow my heart. Besides, Mikey, just don't beat people up all the time. It was kinda embarrassing, ya know.

ROCCO

Yeah. I gotta work on that. (crossing to MIKE, whispers) Break her heart and I'll break your legs.

MIKE

Thanks. I'll remember that.

ROCCO

Louie, Frankie, let's ditch this dump...Come on. We got a train to catch.

ROCCO, LOUIE and FRANKIE exit.

MARY

Emma, like the man says, "Let's ditch this dump."

LOUD SPEAKER

Broadway Limited now boarding on Track Two! All aboard for the Broadway Limited now boarding on Track Two!

EMMA
(waving to far away porter)

Porter! Get yourself here right now! Just can't get good help these days... I think he sees us now.

ELMORE (taking EMMA's hand)

Miss Emma, when I next visit New York, it would give me great joy if you would allow me the honor of calling on your person. (kisses her hand)

EMMA

My person?

ELMORE

Your own sweet self, Miss Emma.

EMMA

Mr. Johns...Elmore. Any time.

MARY

You boys are going to try to make it in Hollywood then?

MIKE

Even if we have to start in the chorus. Dennis and me and Fred Astaire, we'll show this town what Broadway talent can do.

MARY

Good for you. Too bad our movie plans fell through, but I guess when there's gun play, your bigger stars and studios tend to shy away. Mainly, the studios' money men in New York won't take a chance.

DENNIS

Yeah too bad. All you needed was a cast and money.

ELMORE

And maybe a box office name...Wait a minute. Mostly what you need is money, right?

LOUD SPEAKER

Last call for the Broadway Limited leaving in five minutes on Track Two! Last call for Broadway Limited, Track Two!

MARY

Right. Mostly money...It looks like we'll have to schlepp these bags ourselves. Can you give us a hand?

ELMORE

Hear me out now...I've got money. I've got practically nothing but money. I could back a dozen pictures and still have too much money left over.

EMMA

Poor baby.

MARY

Mr. Johns, you would do that–-back my musical?

ELMORE

I hope to say!

MARY

And you are a box office name. Not the way you'd like to be...but maybe we can change that. I think if I approach Modern Artists with a picture that has a guaranteed budget, we can get distribution...(to MIKE and DENNIS) How would you two like to make a movie?

DENNIS

I'll say!

MIKE

I'm in.

MARY
(to RITA and RUTHIE)

I don't suppose you girls can sing and dance.

RITA

I hope to say!

Everyone laughs.

RUTHIE

We had a sister act in vaudeville!

MARY

Well, let's see what you can do.

RITA

Take it, Ruthie!

RUTHIE goes into a spirited tap dance, soon joined by RITA. Gradually music comes up under their number. A spotlight fades up on the two as the other lights dim to black to allow the other actors time to exit in the dark. The twins twirl and kick. At one point, their tear-away street clothes are pulled off to reveal glittering dancing costumes.

Act II, scene v. Finale. The following description is subject to embellishments and changes by a choreographer and a composer.

RUTHIE and RITA twirl and dance their way around the stage and then stop for a moment, each on her own side of the stage. They are soon joined by MIKE and DENNIS in tuxedos, entering from each wing. MIKE walzes with RUTHIE and DENNIS walzes with RITA, the couples crossing to their opposite sides of the stage. The music changes to an early swing beat and the entire chorus joins the two couples in a big production number. Eventually, the crowd parts like the Red Sea for Moses as the music builds to a climax and holds in suspence. Far UPSTAGE we see the silhouette of a man in top hat and tails. The man dances solo toward DOWNSTAGE and performs fantastic leaps and spins, covering the whole stage as he goes along. Finally, he stops STAGE CENTER, and in the burst of one loud chord from the orchestra, a spotlight cuts on to reveal it is ELMORE JOHNS. He continues to dance and the chorus gathers behind him to copy and complement his every move. ELMORE sings.

VOICE of MOVIE DIRECTOR

* * * T H E * E N D * * *