Caliche Site
"The Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre"
"The Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre"
a backstage comedy in two acts
by
Louise Richardson
Copyright 1992, 2000 by Louise Richardson
Dramatis Personae:
ANGIE SQUIRES - the "Cinderella" and would-be actress of the Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre, in her early twenties.
NORMAN BERRINGER - ANGIE's boyfriend, an actor at C.S.D.T. and a biker, in his mid- to late thirties.
JULIA NOVOTNY - ANGIE's nemesis, prima donna of C.S.D.T. and waitress at the local "Cut Stone Cafe", in her early thirties.
MARTIN SOLMES - somewhat flamboyant artistic director at C.S.D.T., in his mid-thirties.
JOHNSON BENNETT - narcissistic actor at C.S.D.T., he is in his early thirties.
HELEN WURTZ - a history professor from the University of Texas and playwright of "The Battle of Caliche Springs", probably the only real grown-up at C.S.D.T., she is in her forties.
DOUG BOYLES - actor and technician at C.S.D.T., in his late twenties.
WILL PARKER - reluctant but natural actor, a black man who debuts as a descendent of freed slaves in "The Battle of Caliche Springs", he is in his early thirties.
MARTHA PARKER - ANGIE's friend, WILL's wife and a budding actress, she introduces WILL to theatre at auditions to "The Battle of Caliche Springs", she is a black woman in her early thirties.
DORI BELL - theater groupie who becomes an actress, she is in her early twenties.
MISS LILA SUE MACNAUGHTON-TAYLOR - founder and benefactor of The Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre, she is the grand-daughter of Ezekiel MacNaughton, the founder of the town and main character in "The Battle of Caliche Springs", played by the actress who plays JULIA, she is 105 years old.
BILLY BOB and BOBBY BILL TAYLOR - boorish would-be cowboys, not so bright great-great-grandsons of MISS LILA SUE, their eyes obscured by their Stetsons so they aren't mistaken for the actors who play MARTIN and DOUG, twentyish.
ELMO and NORADENE - a local Caliche Springs couple representative of audiences everywhere, assayed by NORM and ANGIE in an acting class of the imagination, in their mid-sixties.
OTHER CHARACTERS - the dramatis personae of the plays "Brooklyn Girl", "Captain Healfdene's Return" and "The Battle of Caliche Springs" as performed by the actors of the Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre.
SETTING: a dinner theater, over-looking Lake Travis, in the hill country west of Austin, Texas.
TIME: the late Twentieth Century
Act I, scene i. The ruins of The Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre.
The set is simple--bare except for just the furniture it needs for each scene. Much of the play is done in two spotlighted areas downstage, one for ANGIE SQUIRES, the main character, and the other, upstage of her spot, for vignettes. The back wall may serve as a screen for projecting slides to illustrate ANGIE's monologues. For the first act, the main area is dressed as an efficiency apartment with sofa, coffee table, easy chair downstage and a refrigerator upstage, suggesting a kitchen. The far downstage spotlight comes up to reveal ANGIE, a woman in her late twenties. A slide of a damaged building appears on the back wall.
ANGIE
It doesn't look so grand now, does it? But it was a big thrill for me to work here. It must have been; I commuted all the way from Round Rock, and you really can't get to Caliche Springs from Round Rock. Why did I attempt it? Why did I make the twenty-mile drive every day?...Because show business is my life, that's why...So what am I doing in Texas, much less in Caliche Springs? There is a perfectly good theater in Round Rock, of course, but they weren't hiring when I was looking for a job right out of college. I just happened to be the first person to show up the day construction was completed on the Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre. A dinner theater way out here? But look at the view. (slide changes to one of Lake Travis) The lake is beautiful. You can see it as you approach the theatre parking lot. Look at the white sailboats off Windy Point and the sun glistening on the blue water. The view is almost worth the trip. (slide fades out) I used to see the lake from the back of Norm's motorcycle, but I never actually saw the lake. I only saw my imminent death out there beside the road.We see a series of blurry slides of cactus and cedar, etc. taken from a moving vehicle as ANGIE continues. We also hear the sound of a motorcycle under her narration.
ANGIE
I saw the skin scraped from my legs, my back carpeted with prickly pear and my heart impaled on a discarded beer bottle. I never said a thing to Norm. I never even whimpered--on the outside. Norm loved his "bike". It was sacred. I couldn't tell him the truth to save my life. I suspect he sensed my fear when I held on so tight. He had finger marks on either side of his rib cage. They never went away. He looked like he'd been hugged by a giant raccoon.Motorcycle sound fades out, as does the slide show.
ANGIE
I first met Norm here. I was on the prop crew of a Shakespeare play--I think it was "Hamlet"--and it was my job to pass out little items to actors as they entered the stage.The upstage spotlight comes up to reveal a small table with a sword and a few other props on it. ANGIE steps into the upstage spot, picks up the sword, and the downstage spot goes out.
ANGIE
Once I handed Norm a sword as he listened for his entrance cues. Looking back on it now, it is amazing how well we communicated.NORM enters the spotlight.
ANGIE
You're Norman Berringer and you get the rapier, right?NORM
(as a pirate in an old movie)
ANGIE hands him the rapier. NORM takes it and heads out of the spotlight.
ANGIE
Careful with the aisle people.NORM
No people is an isle.ANGIE
Your sword, I mean.NORM
Why, 'tis mean; a verily knavish blade.ANGIE
Martin just wanted me to warn you.NORM
Warning taken. I'll not let the isle people take me sword. But hark, I hear me cue line.NORM exits. A woman's voice is heard offstage with the clank of a sword.
WOMAN
Ow!NORM
(offstage)
ANGIE
(stepping into the downstage spot)
Slides of JULIA NOVOTNY come up as ANGIE continues.
ANGIE
When Norm and I first met he was going out with Julia Novotny, the "star" of "The Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre--the queen of "Caliche Rep". "Caliche Rep" was my term for the unofficial, but immovable stock company at C.S.D.T. (slides show JULIA, JOHNSON and others) They advertised "open" auditions for every play, but I always knew who would be cast. It didn't take a genius to figure it out. It was always Julia Novotny and the usual bunch of "Caliche Reptiles"...plus Norm, of course, who was a real talent and later a close personal friend of mine. I auditioned all the time--and I was good--but I was just "crew" and so I never got cast. And Julia--well, she treated me like something she just dug out from under her toenail.ANGIE picks up a box of "props" from the dark. The upstage spotlight comes up and JULIA NOVOTNY enters. She turns her back to show ANGIE her dress zipper is stuck.
JULIA
It's crooked.ANGIE
Looks fine to me.ANGIE zips the dress and tries to exit.
JULIA
(trying to touch the zipper on her back)
ANGIE
I think the dress is made crooked, but the zipper's straight.JULIA
Well, check it again.ANGIE
It's fine; I have to go.JULIA
Well, check it again.ANGIE unzips and rezips the dress. JULIA exits. ANGIE steps downstage. JULIA re-enters frantically.
ANGIE
Everybody at the Cut Stone Cafe, where Julia was a waitress, thought she was a great actress, but I thought she ruined my favorite play, Murray Diamond's "Brooklyn Girl".Act I, scene ii.
ANGIE's spotlight fades out. She exits in the dark. The main stage lights come up on the set of "Brooklyn Girl'. JULIA, as MELANIE, and NORM, as BRAD, enter through the apartment's front door. NORM's acting is natural, JULIA's, a bit "wooden".
MELANIE
So this was the scene of the crime, huh?BRAD
(closing the door behind him)
MELANIE
No. This must have been my play house when I was a little girl.BRAD
No, Melanie, your play house was twice this size.MELANIE
True, I played in the servants' quarters after Daddy had to let them go.JULIA moves to the sofa.
BRAD
Poor baby.NORM goes to the kitchen and begins mixing drinks.
MELANIE
(sitting on the sofa)
BRAD
And then you married me.MELANIE
That still comes under the heading of "muddling through", Bradley.BRAD
You still have your wit, I see.MELANIE
Still intact. Unaltered by eight and a half years of marriage and its aftermath.BRAD
(holding the drinks he mixed)
MELANIE
Who says that?NORM walks toward JULIA, hands her a drink and sits beside her on the sofa.
BRAD
There was no bitterness.. .You got what you wanted and I got what I wanted out of the arrangement.NORM motions a "toast". JULIA returns the gesture. They sip their drinks.
MELANIE
Rather like dissolving a corporation.BRAD
Let's not argue, Melanie. We had eight years of a relatively good marriage. We have had a civilized divorce. And here we are, back in our Brooklyn love nest, the first apartment we ever lived in together. Let's not spoil it...You seem nervous. Are you starting to feel guilty about Albert?JULIA, unknowingly, slings her drink over the set and NORM as she talks.
MELANIE
Why should I feel guilty about Albert? I'm not married to him. Do you feel guilty about your wife?BRAD
(wiping the drink off himself and his clothes)
MELANIE
Unlike you and me, Brad?JULIA sips, wondering why her glass is empty.
BRAD
Yes. Unlike us. We would probably still be married if we had worked at it just a little.NORM stands to refill the drinks.
MELANIE
What's this "we" business? I worked at it. You were the only one who wasn't satisfied.JULIA begins to drink, remembers the glass is dry and sets it down too loudly on the coffee table.
BRAD
I was satisfied.MELANIE finds bills and papers among the magazines on the coffee table.
MELANIE
I guess you were at that. You had a successful law practice, a comfortable marriage and you even managed to fit a mistress or two into your busy schedule.BRAD
It wasn't "two"...Let me pick that up.NORM hurriedly straightens the mess on the coffee table. BRAD is obviously hiding something.
MELANIE
Of course not. "Two" would have been impractical...I'm curious, Brad. Whatever happened to that "scarlet woman" who seduced practical, sensible ol' Bradley Campanella away from his "relatively good marriage"?BRAD
(after a gulping the last of his drink)
MELANIE
(standing)
BRAD
Well, I lied.MELANIE
(circles the coffee table, paces)
BRAD
Mel, let's just forget it. After all, we--MELANIE
No. Bear with me...I want to see if I have this straight...When you and I were married, you had an affair with dull, predictable ol' Joyce?...And now, little more than three years later, you are cheating on Joyce with me?BRAD
I'm not proud of cheating on her.MELANIE
Were you proud of cheating on me?NORM crosses to the coffee table and puts his glass down.
BRAD
Let's not beat this dead horse any longer. If you want to forget about what we planned for tonight, I'll take you home.MELANIE
Is that what you want?BRAD
Well, we're not off to the best start, are we?MELANIE
Okay. You're right. Let's go out and come in again.BRAD
Okay.NORM and JULIA exit through the apartment's front door and then re-enter, NORM carrying JULIA over the threshold. NORM sets JULIA down awkwardly.
MELANIE
(melodramatically)
JULIA bats her eyelashes. NORM heads for the refrigerator.
BRAD
Yes, quite romantic. (opens the refrigerator door) And, as in days of yore, I have stocked the refrigerator...(produces a champagne bottle and a small can) with the necessities of life!MELANIE
(JULIA overacting)
BRAD
(evasively)
MELANIE
Of course! You've slipped up this time, Brad. Champagne and onion dip was your little private joke--yours and Joyce's--right?BRAD
All right. I guess I got confused.MELANIE
And you brought Joyce here, didn't you? That's why this place was vacant. You never stopped renting this place. Am I right? When we were married and your law practice became profitable enough for us to move out of here, you just kept paying the rent.BRAD
I...uh...rented it out.MELANIE
Our landlord never allowed us to sublet.BRAD
I bought the building.MELANIE
I don't believe this! You live with a man for eight and a half years, you divorce him, you have an affair with him...And you still don't know him at all! All the time we were married, I thought you were just making enough to make ends meet. Oh, we lived well enough and I didn't have to work after the first three years, but you had me believing we were barely covering our bills. I certainly didn't know you could afford to buy an apartment building.BRAD
I got a very good deal.MELANIE
I'm sure!. ..You told me inflation was eating up our savings, and under my nose you sneak off and set yourself up as a slumlord?MELANIE approaches BRAD menacingly. BRAD backs away.
MELANIE
Does Joyce know you own this place?BRAD
You may as well know: she and I own it together. We're partners.MELANIE
Partners?! Partners?! You were business partners? You and Joyce were partners and you wouldn't even let me balance our checkbook?BRAD
You knew I was having an affair.MELANIE
Not with Joyce, I didn't...You were partners? I know you. You kept a secret partnership from me. That's the worst kind of infidelity!BRAD
It wasn't exactly secret. The IRS knew.MELANIE
(trying not to explode)
BRAD
All right. Let's go.MELANIE
(gesturing to the champagne and onion dip)
BRAD
Mel, I...MELANIE
Let's just go.NORM "turns out the lights" and they exit through the front door. We hear a man and a woman, a different couple, laughing. The laughing stops abruptly.
BRAD
(offstage)
JOYCE
(offstage)
NORM and JULIA and another actor, JOHNSON BENNETT, and JOYCE (played by MARTHA PARKS) enter through the front door, led by JULIA.
MELANIE
Well, what a surprise?. And who, may I ask, is this handsome gentleman?JOYCE
(confused, embarrassed)
MELANIE
John, I think these two kids want to be alone. I don't know about you, but I'm starved. Do you know a good restaurant?JOHN looks over his shoulder, confused, at JOYCE. MELANIE leads JOHN out the door, arm in arm. They exit.
MELANIE
(off-stage)
The lights fade out on the main stage. ANGIE's downstage spotlight comes up.
ANGIE
I could have acted the hell out of that character!...Well, I didn't get to act in "Brooklyn Girl," but I did get to attend the strike party, and, of course, I got to clean up after it. That's okay. I loved the strike parties at the Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre. They were so...I don't know...striking.Act I, scene iii.
DOUG BOYLE
(offstage)
The lights come up to show a swarm of people pounce onto the stage, disassembling the set and carrying off furniture and props like so many army ants. Then DOUG BOYLE, the techie, almost slides onto the stage with his boom box.
DOUG
Gotta have my music. Ha! (pushes a button on the cassette player and loud rock music fills the air) Let's boogieeeee!The strike crew dances to the music as they bring on a table with chips and dips and party snacks of all kinds. Some carry in covered dishes and set them on the table, dancing all the while. We hear the voice of the director, MARTIN SOLMES over the music, starting offstage and then we see him, a bottle of champagne held over his head as he enters. Someone other than DOUG BOYLE shuts off the boom box.
MARTIN
I give youuuu!...(comes onstage) the thee-uh-tah!The others suddenly have cans of soda, beer bottles, empty champagne glasses, etc. in their hands. They raise these objects on high and answer MARTIN's toast in unison.
ALL
The thee-uh-tah!MARTIN
Who wants bubbly?SCATTERED HIGH-PITCHED VOICES
Bubbly, bubbly!Those who have drinks take a gulp of their drinks. Those who have empty champagne glasses crowd around MARTIN. The others put down their drinks, then find champagne glasses on the table and crowd around MARTIN for their shares of champagne. DOUG BOYLE appears again at the boom box and presses the button to continue the music.
DOUG
Boogieeee!The crowd dances and mingles. One by one the actors from "Brooklyn Girl" enter and mingle with the others. JULIA NOVOTNY, drying her hair with a towel, is the last of them to enter.
JULIA
No one told me there was champagne! (sees her blouse is partly unbuttoned) Couldn't ya'll wait a damn minute!?JULIA buttons up, dances and mingles. The music fades down enough for us to hear the conversations. ANGIE is speaking to MARTHA and WILL PARKS. WILL, very shy and uncomfortable, mostly listens.
MARTHA
They do tend to always cast the same people, don't they?ANGIE
Like Julia over there. This is her third play in a row. And I know I heard better readings at that last audition.MARTHA
You were good.ANGIE
Thanks. I thought so...Who knows? Maybe I have a chance this time. At least there's a different director.MARTHA
If hope so. This one fought me all through the production. He flat out told me the only reason I got the part was as a favor to his friend my acting teacher. He said I was "non-traditional casting" just because Estelle Parsons played the part on Broadway. Well, I said "Hello. We're talking about New York City in the 1960's. Who's to say the couple couldn't be interracial." Hey it happened all the time.WILL
(to ANGIE, barely audible)
ANGIE
I'm sorry?WILL
(clearing his throat)
ANGIE
No...Well, in the original version they were slaves, but Helen--that's Helen Wurtz; she's the playwright and the director. She did some more research and had to do radical surgery on the whole play. That's why it was postponed six weeks.ANGIE, MARTHA and WILL continue but their words overlap and finally are displaced by another conversation. JOHNSON BENNETT, the actor who played JOHN in "Brooklyn Girl", is dominating his conversation with a young woman (DORI).
JOHNS
Well, maybe you saw me in "Pajama Game" last year.DORI
No...I wasn't into theater last year.JOHNS
You could have seen me in "Dances With Wolves" at Zachary Scott. That was in February.DORI
The one I saw was some French thing.JOHNS
French? "Waiting For Godot"?DORI
I don't think so...I think you were a beggar. You weren't on stage long. You didn't say much.JOHNS
I've never done a walk-on...except once at Hyde Park, but that's because an actor got sick and the director begged me.DORI
Yeah. Hyde Park. That's where it was.JOHNS
It wasn't French. It was "Playboy of the Western World", an Irish play.DORI
Same difference. Anyway, you were so fine in your rags.JOHNS
You think so?DORI
For sure. I think you're better when you don't talk.JOHNS
Well, thank you...uh...I think, I'll get some more...raw broccoli and cauliflower. It was good to meet you...Good-bye.JOHNSON rushes past ANGIE and friends.
ANGIE
(to MARTHA and WILL)
MARTHA and WILL exit. ANGIE turns away and almost bumps into JOHNSON.
JOHNS
Excuse me, Angie.ANGIE
You called me Angie.JOHNS
That's your name, right?ANGIE
Right.JOHNS
Well, excuse me.JOHNSON mingles with the crowd, in search of someone to impress with his credits.
ANGIE
He called me Angie.DORI
Far out. What's your name?ANGIE
Angie.DORI
He's cool.ANGIE
Cool? Johnson?DORI
That one's going to Hollywood.ANGIE
You're talking about Johnson Bennett?DORI
I think he's so special.ANGIE
You must have a high threshold for nausea.DORI
Huh?ANGIE
I stopped being impressed by Johnson Bennett a long time ago.DORI
You just don't understand him.ANGIE
What's to understand?...Maybe it's none of my business, but I think you're wasting your time with him. I don't think women do anything for him.DORI
You mean he's gay?ANGIE
No. I don't think so, but you'll never get him to look at you--unless you have a large reflective surface.DORI
Huh?ANGIE
Excuse me.DORI
For sure.ANGIE finds NORMAN BERRINGER in the mingling throng and DORI finds someone to dance with.
NORM
Good vibes.ANGIE
Huh?NORM
Good vibes.ANGIE
(listens to the music)
NORM
I mean, it's good music.ANGIE
It's okay.NORM
"Okay?" You stab me through the heart. This is a classic.ANGIE
I guess it was before my time.NORM
(clutches his heart)
JULIA NOVOTNY emerges from the munching, dancing minglers.
JULIA
Norm, we're moving our party to Johnson's house. Want to come?NORM
How about it, Angie?ANGIE
I don't know...JULIA
We understand, don't we Norman? (to ANGIE) We won't try to change your mind.ANGIE
(decisively)
MARTIN SOLMES approaches them.
MARTIN
Julia dear, you're not off to another one of your orgies, are you?JULIA
I need to unwind, Martin.MARTIN
Darling, you are constantly unwound. Take care you don't unravel entirely. And you still haven't learned 'Frisia" for "Captain Healfdene's Return". I want you off-book Monday. Need I remind you that opening night is next Thursday?JULIA
I'll have the lines, Martin. All right? You're not my mother, for Christ's sake!MARTIN
(leaving them)
JULIA
I will be a tad late, Martin. I'm auditioning for "The Battle of Caliche Springs". A mere formality, I assure you.MARTIN
Don't be so certain, my dear. I'm not casting that one. Not everyone loves you as I do.JULIA
(under her breath as MARTIN is leaving)
MARTIN
(turning back)
JULIA
Cake...Fruitcake, Martin. You're nuts, but we love you. (takes NORM's arm) Then we're off to the orgy. (to ANGIE) Tag along if you like, dear.ANGIE follows JULIA and NORM as they exit, leaving the others to mingle and dance. The lights and music fade out on the party and ANGIE steps downstage into her spotlight.
Act I, scene iv.
ANGIE
As it turned out, the "orgy" was no worse than my prom night party. And I was saved from what the Victorians used to call "a fate worse than death"--or death itself what with AIDS going around--when the police arrived to turn down the music. All controlled stances--the great attraction for Norman, by the way--were flushed down the toilet. I never touched the stuff myself. I think Norm just smoked grass because of the nostalgia. He never really left the sixties, you know. Maybe that's what attracted me to Norm--that he was kind of an artifact from the past. I was a History major in College, after all. Although, what I thought I was going to do with History in the real world I can't recall.As ANGIE is standing there we hear the voice of MARTIN SOLMES, the director.
MARTIN
Angie! Angie!ANGIE
(to the audience)
NORM enters in the darkness. ANGIE crosses to the darkened stage. As the lights come up, they are kissing.
ANGIE
(to the audience)
MARTIN SOLMES enters to find them kissing.
MARTIN
So there you are, Angie.ANGIE
Here I am.MARTIN
Why didn't you come when I called?ANGIE
(her attention still on NORM)
MARTIN
Of course you were.NORM
Lost your key again, Martin?MARTIN
I found it. No thanks to you...Angie, I want to talk to you about the shotgun blast in "Captain Healfdene's Return".ANGIE
Okay, shoot.NORM
(still caressing ANGIE)
MARTIN
Norman, do I need to pry you away with a crowbar? I need to talk to Angie about props. Do you mind?NORM
(kissing ANGIE once more)
ANGIE
Here at nine, sweetness.MARTIN makes an unpleasant face in reaction to the "sweetness".
NORM
(to MARTIN)
NORM exits.
MARTIN
"Relax", he says. I have a show premiering in three days and the special effects aren't working.ANGIE
I thought the flash pot was quite effective at the first tech rehearsal.MARTIN
But it won't do, not with a full audience to absorb the sound. We need a bigger boom.ANGIE
A bigger boom? I don't know, Martin. I think we're at the safety limit now. Any more powder in the pot could be dangerous.MARTIN
Work on it, Angie. I need more boom and more flash.ANGIE
More flash?MARTIN
Yes. When Unferth climbs those stairs, I want the audience to really see, hear and feel that shotgun explode from the darkness. I want to shake them in their seats. I want to wake them up! I want to shock them into experiencing this great tragedy fully...viscerally!ANGIE
Viscerally.. .All right, I'll try.MARTIN
See that you do. You have three days.MARTIN exits. ANGIE steps down-stage into her spotlight. The upstage lights fade to black.
Act I, scene v.
ANGIE
Well, my mind was on other things...Yes, on NORM but also on that night's auditions for "The Battle of Caliche Springs". It was my best chance to be cast in a show, since Martin would have nothing to do with the production. Normally, I would have read the script, but the director and writer Helen Wurtz---you know, Professor Wurtz from the University of Texas---was still re-writing the thing, as she would be even well into the rehearsal period. She had been commissioned by the Daughters of the Battle of Caliche springs to flesh out the epic creation myth of the founding of the community. I liked Helen, but I figured she would write what she was paid to write. I knew it would be bad drama and bad history. Something like...ANGIE's spotlight fades out as the upstage lights come up to reveal a valiant pioneer couple huddled against the world, a rifle in the man's right hand. NORM is EZEKIEL MACNAUGHTON and JULIA is ELIZABETH, his wife.
EZEKIEL
Don't you fret, Elizabeth. Them heathens won't fetch our scalps. Not while I have you on my one arm to love me and Matilda here (brandishes rifle) to protect us both.ELIZABETH
Ezekiel, if we ever get out of this Indian war alive, and I have God's faith we will, I just know we'll build us a town, the kind of town where decent folk can walk down the street and just say "morning neighbor". It'd be a place for churches and for little children runnin' and playin' and growin' up free, the way you'd know this great land of ours will have a fine and prosperous tomorrow!EZEKIEL
Amen, Elizabeth; you said a mouth full. Why, as soon as we ward off these bloodthirsty Comanches, we'll find us a piece of bottom land and till the good earth. Come on, you savages, we ain't afraid! We be Texicans and Americans!We hear the sound of Indian war-hoops, galloping horses and rifle fire as the stage lights fade and ANGIE's spotlight comes up again.
ANGIE
I didn't know exactly how it really was back then. It would take a researcher with the training of a Helen Wurtz for that kind of authenticity. But I knew enough about the later history of Caliche Springs and the MacNaughtons to know it wasn't very noble and heroic. So, with much hope for theatrical acceptance and no hope for artistic integrity, I attended the auditions for the "Battle of Caliche Springs."Act I, scene vi.
ANGIE's spotlight fades. When the lights come up on the stage ANGIE is sitting stage left with some other people. HELEN WURTZ is behind a desk stage right. There is a small performing space in the middle.
HELEN
Okay...Dori Bell, read "Elizabeth MacNaughton". Norman Berringer, read Ezekiel...Will Parks, "George Pickens"...Martha Parks--any relation?MARTHA
Will and I are married...Ms. Wurtz?...I mean, Dr...Wurtz---HELEN
Helen.MARTHA
Will that hurt our chances, us being married?HELEN
Not necessarily...Martha, read Margaret Pickens.The selected actors gather in a semi-circle in the center space and face out to the play's real audience.
HELEN
Don't worry about the blocking right now. But we need to see how you move...Whatever seems appropriate. Ready? Now give it performance energy.DORI
(too cutely)
WILL
(mumbling and quiet at first)
HELEN
A little louder, please, Mr. Parks...Now Elizabeth opens the cabin door. She picks up a shotgun and points it ahead of her.DORI
What do you want?! I got a shotgun.WILL
Yes. I see that. (looks at HELEN)HELEN
Much better. Continue.DORI
(a whiny pioneer)
WILL
(getting much better)
DORI
Anything else?'.HELEN
(interrupting)
DORI shrugs and takes a seat in the audience. ANGIE steps into the audition area. She tries to hide her excitement-- unsuccessfully.
HELEN
Take it from "She bein' in a family way and all."WILL
She's in need of rest and some cool water. She bein' in a family way and all.ANGIE
I suppose I could spare some for the mule...Well, I don't know...You escaped, ain't ya?WILL No ma'am, we ain't. We're from Mexico and--
HELEN
(reading from the stage directions)
ANGIE
(losing her place)
MARTHA
Come on, George. Let's ease off to somewhere else. We ain't wanted here.WILL
Margaret, there just ain't nobody else around here with water. (then to ANGIE as ELIZABETH) You see, my granddaddy and Margaret's great-granddaddy was set free by their master back in Virginia--the same master. Them folks, bein' free now, kept a-movin' west together and directly set here in Mexico. I done lived in San Antonio all my life.ANGIE
That for a fact?WILL
That's gospel.ANGIE
You don't talk Meskin.WILL
Yes Ma'am, we do. (having trouble with the Spanish words) Habla espanol? Soy Mexicano de San Antonio.HELEN
Don't worry about the Spanish. There aren't many words of it and we'll have someone to coach you...Continue.ANGIE
We don't talk that mess. You shouldn't neither, if you know what's good for you. This here's Texas now.WILL
Yes, Ma'am. Texas and Co-hill-a.HELEN
Co-WEE-la. Texas and Coahuila. We'll work on it. Go on.ANGIE
No more it ain't. It's just plain Texas now. The Country, Texas.WILL
You sure about that?ANGIE
Where you been the last 'leven months?WILL
We knew there was fightin', but we just figured we'd have a new presidente, like before.MARTHA
George, let's go. Stop arguin' with her.ANGIE
Oh, we got a new presidenty all right: Sam Houston.WILL Yes Ma'am...Can we have some water and the shade of your barn 'til night fall? We'll be movin' on then. The Comanches won't be botherin' us at night and we can make good time.
HELEN
(reading from the stage directions)
NORM
You be makin' good time now. Git!WILL
Mister, we ain't got no weapons. Take it easy.MARTHA
George, let's go. Please.HELEN
(interrupting)
WILL
Take it easy.MARTHA
George, let's go. Please.ANGIE
Zeke, I don't think they mean no harm. Now that you're here I--JOHNS
(a bit over-dramatically)
ANGIE
They ain't no need, Zeke. They ain't armed.JOHNS
Quiet, woman. I ain't takin' no chances with run-away slaves. We're too far away from everwhere to turn 'em in.MARTHA
We ain't slaves, Mister. We've been livin' free in San Antonio and we're goin' away right now...JOHNS
Margaret, let me do the talkin'.HELEN I believe that's "George's" line.
JOHNS
Sorry.WILL
Margaret, let me do the talkin'.JOHNS
Is it for a fact you ain't runaway slaves?HELEN
(interrupting)
JULIA
(taking the script from ANGIE)
HELEN
Everyone else, just the same. Go.JOHNS
You won't mind if I look you over, will ya? EIizabeth, train the musket on that baby in her belly.WILL
Please don't harm her, Mister. We'll move along.JOHNS
Don't move. Don't flinch or Elizabeth makes a hole in your woman and your baby both.WILL
What are you doin', Mister?JOHNS
Elizabeth, cock that shotgun'. Don't let her move. Let me see them ankles, boy.JULIA
(arrogantly)
MARTHA
I won't. Just don't do nothin' to George.JOHNS
Oh, I won't...Elizabeth, I'll be damned if I can find a mark on him. No brand, no chain marks, nothin'.WILL
Just like I said, Mister. We'll go and you won't get into no trouble. Come on, Margaret.JOHNS
Oh, I ain't aimin' to get in no trouble...Yessir, you two'll do nicely.JULIA
Zeke? What' re you plannin'?JOHNS
These two are gonna work for us.JULIA
Zeke, I don't think--JOHNS
You don't need to think, Elizabeth; just hold that gun on 'em while I rig up some kinda shackles.HELEN
Now, Margaret throws her shawl over the shotgun and George grabs the ax handle. The shotgun goes off, shooting Ezekiel in the leg.WILL
Let's get outta here!JULIA
Zeke!MARTHA
Let's both get on the mule. They just got that ox.JULIA
Zeke!JOHNS
Damn it, woman! Get me powder and buckshot before they get away!JULIA
They got away, Zeke. They're gone.HELEN
Blackout. Thank you. Turn to Act One, Scene One. I'd like to see...HELEN's voice fades out with the stage lights as ANGIE's spotlight comes up.
ANGIE
Now, that's what I call "history". I couldn't imagine this is what the Daughters of the Battle of Caliche Springs had in mind. They commissioned this play as a 105th birthday present for the benefactor of the theater, Miss Lila-Sue MacNaughton Taylor, the granddaughter of Ezekiel MacNaughton. I didn't know what Miss Lila-Sue would think, but I thought things were looking up for me--and for the Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre.ACT I, scene vii
The rubble that was the Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre. The downstage spotlight comes up on ANGIE SQUIRES, who addresses the audience.
ANGIE
This is it. This is what's left of it, this shell of a building and all the moldy rubble. But I see it as it was a short time ago: alive and full of magic and promise. You may laugh, but yes I am talking about The Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre. Okay, so the productions done here were not exactly Broadway caliber. There were some good times here, anyway. Having been a History major in college, I couldn't fail to mention the founder and spirit of this establishment. Miss Lila Sue MacNaughton-Taylor came from the first family of Caliche Springs--not a claim that I would make proudly, but I suppose some people would.The MacNaughtons had made a killing in the patent medicine business, and perhaps several killings among their customers. The one good move they made was to give Miss Lila Sue a small San Antonio root beer company they had acquired. She was a big theater enthusiast when she was young and was constantly taking junkets to New York each new Broadway season. The Schertz Root Beer Company was a birthday present given to her with the stipulation that she use only the root beer profits to finance her hobby, leaving the rest of the family fortune intact.
Ironically, the patent medicine business failed because of a great flood in 1925 and a great US Food and Drug Administration investigation in 1938, while Schertz Root Beer was in every soda fountain in Central Texas by 1930. Even the Great Depression didn't keep Miss Lila-Sue from becoming a millionaire in her own right and a businesswoman in spite of herself. She celebrated her one hundredth birthday by funding the construction of the Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre in her home town. And that's where I came in.
My best, last and only chance of getting to act at C.S.D.T. came with the auditions for "The Battle of Caliche springs". I did well, I thought, but given my history with this theater...Well, the last person I wanted to see the next morning was Professor Helen Wurtz, the playwright and director of the show.
ANGIE's spotlight fades out and she steps into the upstage area whose lights come up to show her examining props in a box. HELEN enters with a sheet of paper.
Act I, scene viii.
HELEN
(placing the paper in the box of props)
ANGIE
(nervously)
There is an awkward moment when ANGIE waits for HELEN to leave and HELEN waits for ANGIE to read the paper. Finally HELEN starts to leave. ANGIE sneaks a look at the list. HELEN sneaks up behind her.
HELEN
Looking for something?ANGIE
(startled)
HELEN
You did audition for "The Battle of Caliche Springs", didn't you?ANGIE
You remember me?HELEN
Of course...You're third from the bottom.ANGIE
(finding her name there)
HELEN
The young Tonkawa woman who...encounters our "hero". You're very important in the last few scenes.ANGIE
Oh...Thank you! (stands, hugs, then pulls back) Sorry.HELEN
I wondered when it would sink in. See you next Monday night in the theater room.ANGIE
Monday night.HELEN exits. ANGIE calls after her.
ANGIE
Thanks again!...(dances around the room) I got something! I got something!MARTIN enters. ANGIE takes his hands and dances around the room with him.
ANGIE
I got something! I got something!MARTIN
Well, whatever it is, don't give it to me.ANGIE
I'm in the show! I'm in "Caliche Springs"!MARTIN
(less than enthusiastic)
ANGIE
(suddenly quiet)
MARTIN
(feeling responsible for killing ANGIE's mood)
ANGIE
(indicating the box)
MARTIN looks into the box and reaches in to handle an object.
MARTIN
A blunderbuss?ANGIE
It's all we have that doesn't look like something from World War II or Viet Nam. It's left over from last Thanksgiving's fund-raiser.MARTIN
Will it work?ANGIE
The stairs will be dark and the audience won't see anything. We could use a sound effects tape and a little flash powder.MARTIN
In the barrel of this gun.ANGIE
If that's what you want.MARTIN
That's not enough. The effect needs to be real. It needs to be...visceral.ANGIE
Visceral.MARTIN
Double the flash powder. Johnson will be far enough from the blast. Maybe the set wall will give it seine echo.ANGIE
All right. And we'll tell Johns to turn his head at the last moment.MARTIN
Fine.Act I, scene ix.
ANGIE,
(stepping into the spotlight)
ANGIE pulls in two chairs from the wings. They face the audience.
ANGIE
I see Norman in the role of Roscoe. (sits)NORM enters and sits in the other chair.
ROSCOE
I knew you was draggin' me off to another New York Jew comedy.NORADENE
Shhh'. Roscoe, I swear. I can't take you nowhere.ROSCOE
Well that's what it is, ain't it?NORADENE
No. That was last week.ROSCOE
And it seems to me like we already seen this one at the movies a couple of years back.NORADENE
I told you, that was the last play. Besides, this is better than the movies. It's more excitin' what with real live actors and all.ROSCOE
They ain't no actors here, Noradene. Most of 'em is just some college kids and one of 'ern is that waitress Judy at the "Cut Stone Cafe".NORADENE
You are so ignorant, Roscoe. Why, the next thing you know, little Judy and some of them others will be movie stars and makin' millions of dollars a picture.ROSCOE
(miming holding a plate)
NORADENE
That's your dinner. It's a dinner theater and that's your dinner.ROSCOE
But what the Hell is it?NORADENE
It looks to be Salisbury steak.ROSCOE
(tastes it)
NORADENE
Not with your fingers, Roscoe! I can't take you anywhere.ROSCOE
Didn't we see this "Brooklyn" play on television?NORADENE
It told you, that was last week.ROSCOE
I believe it was last week.NORADENE
Eat your Salisbury steak, Roscoe. The show's about to start.ROSCOE
It's hamburger...Hamburger from a damned TV dinner. That's what it is. But what the hell is it?NORADENE
Just hush up and eat it before it gets cold.ROSCOE
It's already cold.NORADENE
Eat it before they take it away from you. That's what these fancy places do so you won't choke watchin' the play.ROSCOE
Tastes like worms from our bait shop.NORADENE
Just hush up. I don't even care no more.ROSCOE
(mumbling audibly)
The theater lights blink a few times.
NORADENE
Shut up, Roscoe. The show's about to start.ROSCOE
(mumbles)
NORADENE
I'm warnin' you.ROSCOE
(grumbles)
NORADENE mimes taking a knife to ROSCOE's throat.
NORADENE
Shut up you old fool!ROSCOE
(chokingly)
NORADENE
(aware of other people staring, backs down)
Act I, scene x.
ANGIE sits as the spotlight blacks out and the lights come upon "Captain Healfdene's Return" on the upstage area. On the set there is a sofa and chair. To one side is the suggestion of a staircase with three steps visible, above which it winds out of view in the darkness. JULIA NOVOTNY plays FRISIA, supposed widow of sea captain SCYLD HEALFDENE, played by NORM. When the lights come up FRISIA is knitting on the sofa. Her son UNFERTH, played by JOHNSON BENNETT is pacing the floor anxiously. The actors speak in a bad Swedish dialect.
UNFERTH
(stopping his pacing)
FRISIA
Then go, Unferth. God be with you. I shall not keep you here.UNFERTH
Do you think I will not go?FRISIA
I believe you will do whatsoever you will, my son. You have always been a willful child. And now you are a man. My entreaties would be for naught and, therefore, you have my leave--although you neither require it nor ask it of me.UNFERTH
How coldly do you cast off your only son, your only daughter and your husband, who is not yet missing one year. Mother, you are cold!UNFERTH turns away from FRISIA.
FRISIA
(sets down knitting, stands)
UNFERTH
Unfeeling wife and mother! Can I not keep my father's memory even for myself? If he is dead--and I still hope for his life--it was the maelstrom that took him, not strong drink. When he returned from each voyage, he was the sailor home from the perilous deep. It is the way of sailors to hoist their tankards in celebration of another voyage survived. But women understand nothing of this.FRISIA
And you understand this carousal, do you not? I know too well how your sometimes father would take you to his tavern-home, his only true home on land, to initiate you into the "manly" rites of public disgrace. How very well I know of his carrying you home in your drunken stupor--and, of late years, your carrying him, his no-longer youthful body comatose from the mead--after the sea, the true love of his life.UNFERTH
Mother, I now leave you to your new husband...(puts on coat, cap and muffler) and all the sons and daughters he will beget you.FRISIA
Go then. And take your father's jealousy to sea with you!UNFERTH
I jealous? Jealous of.. Who said I would go to sea?FRISIA
Yourself, my Unferth. You are as simple as a child's book to your mother. I read you so easily. You will seek your father's seamates and fellow drunkards, if you have not done so already. And you too will be lost to the sea. If not beneath its swells, then to its life aboard ship. Lost as your father was lost even before your birth. I know I cannot bid you tarry in Alborg. You are, God save us, your father's son, and so, bound to seek the world. So go, my son. Go with God, but go!UNFERTH
So I will, Mother. I shall write, of course.FRISIA
As you will, Unferth. Good-bye.UNFERTH
I will take leave of you then.FRISIA
As you must.UNFERTH
Good-bye, Mother.FRISIA
Good-bye, Unferth. Fare you well.UNFERTH
Mother, farewell.FRISIA
Unferth, take your leave! Go!UNFERTH
And so I go, Mother. God be with you.UNFERTH finally exits to the wing which indicates the front door of the house. He passes his mother's lover, WULFGAR WERGILD, a wealthy Alborg merchant, entering from that direction. WULFGAR is over-played by usual techie DOUG BOYLE.
WULFGAR
So, will you attend the wedding, Unferth?FRISIA
He wishes to leave. Let him go, Wulfgar.WULFGAR
He leaves home now, does he not?FRISIA
(weeping)
WULFGAR
I never wished that to happen.FRISIA
I know.WULFGAR
He will return. Will he not return, Frisia?FRISIA
Yes, he will return, perhaps, after a year's voyage...(sniffles) If the maelstrom, the storms and the drink do not swallow him, as they did Scyld, he will return.WULFGAR
(takes her hands in his)
FRISIA
No. There is no need, Wulfgar. Unferth is gone, Scyld is gone, Hygd has run away and married. There is no one left to object. We have planned our wedding for tomorrow. We must wed. We must!The lights fade to black long enough for FRISIA and WULFGAR to exit in the dark and make a quick costume change. ANGIE enters and crosses as her downstage spotlight comes up. She speaks to the audience during the costume change.
Act I, scene xi.
ANGIE
History: It's melodramatic, it's moldy and it's stuffy...And I love it. I can't help myself. (reads from the program) "'Captain Healfdene's Return' is a lesser masterpiece of Oslof Hrothgarsen, the Danish writer considered 'the last of the great Jute playwrights' by many scholars." The setting, as you have seen, is (reads) "a well-appointed parlor in a grand l9th Century home which overlooks the sea and the harbor of Alborg, Denmark." We pick up the story as Frisia and Wulfgar are saying good-bye to well-wishers after their wedding.ANGIE's spotlight fades out She exits and FRISIA and WULFGAR enter blissfully, waving to offstage friends.
WULFGAR
Thank you! Yes. Thank you for your good wishes! Again, thank you! Farewell!FRISIA
And good fortune to you, Halga! Yes, we will he very happy! Thank you, Drida! Good evening to you now!They cross to Center Stage and embrace.
WULFGAR
We are married at last, my Frisia.FRISIA
Yes, Wulfgar, and we are finally alone together.WULFGAR
Your children will return.FRISIA Yes they will. They will become accustomed to our marriage in time and we will be a family once more.
WULFGAR
(lustfully nibbling the nape of her neck)
FRISIA
Wulfgar! (giggles) Not in the foyer! We repair to the bedroom now.They exit and the lights dim. After a moment a drunken figure stumbles into the parlor. It is CAPTAIN HEALFDENE, himself.
CAPTAIN
(in aloud "whisper")
UNFERTH
(also drunk, not whispering)
CAPTAIN
Shhh! We will wake them, Unferth.UNFERTH
Let us wake them then....(then shouting) if they sleep!CAPTAIN
If they sleep? Surely they would sleep by now...Oh, I see.UNFERTH
We must rouse them from their sinful bed!CAPTAIN
They do not know they sin, Unferth. Therefore, do they sin?UNFERTH
We must tell them you are alive, Father. You must resume your primacy as husband this very night. I will announce you.UNFERTH begins to cross to the base of the stairs.
CAPTAIN
Nay, Unferth. I will sleep in the stable until the sober morning. Then I will tell them.UNFERTH
But Father...CAPTAIN
They married honestly. Let them be wed this one night.UNFERTH
Father, you are too magnanimous.CAPTAIN
I will set everything to rights in the morning. Their marriage is not lawful, and they will do what is proper. Have no fear. I will be most comfortable in the hay loft.UNFERTH
But do not sleep in the stable, Father. I will bring you blankets and pillows. You must sleep in the house tonight--the parlor, if you must. I fear there will come a frost in The night. I will fetch your bedclothes from the closet in the upstairs hallway.CAPTAIN
Very well. I will wait for you here.UNFERTH climbs the stairs until he is out of view.
CAPTAIN
(looking around)
CAPTAIN HEALFDENE exits, but WULFGAR descends the stairs just in time to see him.
WULFGAR
(whispering in amazement)
WULFGAR quickly disappears up the stairs. The CAPTAIN re-enters briefly.
CAPTAIN
Unferth? Did you bid me?...(looks around) No one is there. No matter, I will fetch my bag. (exits)UNFERTH descends the stairs cautiously.
UNFERTH
Father?. Here are your covers. (reaches the bottom of the stairs) Father? Where have you gone?UNFERTH searches the parlor. WULFGAR appears on the stairs with a blunderbuss.
WULFGAR
(whispering to himself)
UNFERTH
(catching sight of the weapon)
A brilliant flash of light comes from the gun as we hear the loudest explosion since Hiroshima. WULFGAR climbs down and crosses to the body. He bends over it to make a tragic discovery as CAPTAIN HEALFDENE enters cautiously.
WULFGAR
(stage whisper)
The CAPTAIN crosses to them and shoves WULFGAR aside. He kneels over his son.
CAPTAIN
(definitely not whispering)
As the lights fade out, ANGIE's spotlight comes up again, with ANGIE in it.
ANGIE
Visceral, huh? Let me catch my breath. I tell you the rest in a minute.Lights fade to black.
--END OF ACT I--
Act II, scene i. The Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre. The lights come up on ANGIE in her spotlight.
ANGIE
Well, it was the shot heard 'round Caliche Springs. The audience was thrilled They couldn't stop talking among themselves--which was just as well because it was several minutes before the play got underway again. Johnson Benneft, who played Unferth, was rushed to the nearest hospital in Austin. He was still alive, but blinded...for a few days, anyway. Martin was fired as the Artistic Director of the theater. And I almost got the ax. I guess the Board of Directors believed me when I said I didn't know Martin had doubled the flash powder, or maybe they knew there wouldn't be anyone else to do all the work. I carried on as usual the following week.ANGIE's spotlight fades out and the upstage lights come up to show ANGIE at a table talking on the telephone while folding handbills.
ANGIE
You can have the same seat next Thursday night, Mrs. Hollander. You can't...or the following Saturday...I see. How about a trade then? These tickets in exchange for opening night tickets for "The Battle of Caliche Springs"?...kind of a western...Yes, about Caliche Springs...Well, yes, you can do that too...Okay, I'll put you down for a full refund.NORM enters and sneaks up behind her.
ANGIE
No, it's perfectly all right...Good-bye. (hangs up, dials another number, goes back to folding fliers) Hello? Mr. Goodman? I'm sorry. Is your mommy or daddy there?...Oh yes, I watch "Barney" too...Is your daddy or mommy there? They don't know me. I'm a stranger. Hello? Hello?ANGIE hangs up to try again. NORM kisses her on the back of the neck.
ANGIE
I sure hope that's Norman...NORM
(bowing like a musketeer)
NORM kneels and kisses her hand.
ANGIE
(batting her eyelashes)
NORM
(still kneeling)
ANGIE
I wouldst if I couldst, but I can'tst--if that was ever a word.NORM
(standing)
ANGIE
(handing him a stapler)
JULIA NOVOTNY enters from behind them.
JULIA
How cozy...I thought I saw your baby blue Harley parked here, Normie.ANGIE
Rehearsals don't start until next Monday.JULIA
I know when rehearsals start, Angie...Gee, give her one little part and she thinks she's a star...No, what I'm here about is that I had a little car trouble a couple of blocks back...and I wonder, Norman, if you could give me a lift to the cafe. I was on my lunch hour.NORM
Sure thing...Later, Angie. (kisses her forehead)NORM and JULIA exit. JULIA speaks to NORM, but for ANGIE's benefit, as they go.
JULIA
Maybe you could look at it later...The car, that is. (exits)ANGIE
(to herself, mocking JULIA)
ANGIE goes back to folding and stapling, and reaches for the telephone again. Two men in cowboy hats pulled down over their faces enter together. All their movements are mirror images of one another.
BILLY BOB
You the die-rector?ANGIE
No...BOBBY BILL
Where's she at?ANGIE
(afraid)
BILLY BOB
We ain't here for no play actin'.ANGIE
You ain't?BOBBY BILL
We want to talk to that die-rector woman about what she wrote.ANGIE
Maybe you can talk to her at rehearsal sometime.BILLY BOB
When's that?BOBBY BILL
And where's that?ANGIE
Here, starting next week.BILLY BOB
Just tell her Billy Bob--BOBBY BILL
And Bobby Bill Taylor--BILLY BOB
Tell her we want to talk to her about our great-great-grandma's granddaddy's play....Come on, Bobby Bill.BOBBY BILL
Comin', Billy Bob. Thank ya, Ma'am.BILLY BOB and BOBBY BILL exit like the pair of walking bookends they are. The lights fade to black on the upstage area as ANGIE's spotlight comes up again.
Act II, scene ii.
ANGIE
And so, history lovers, the stage was set for the big battle. On one side you had Professor Helen Wurtz and her honest band of thespians...On the other side, you had the considerable muscle--if only in the brains--of the Taylor twins. Beyond them were the elite Daughters of the Battle of Caliche Springs. And looming above it all was the founder and financial backbone of the Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre, Miss Lila Sue MacNaughton-Taylor. But spirits remained high and there was time enough for miracles.ANGIE's spotlight fades out as the upstage lights come up on the first rehearsal of "The Battle of Caliche Springs". The cast is seated around a long table, their scripts before them. HELEN sits at one end. DOUG BOYLES is standing with a newspaper clipping in one hand. JULIA NOVOTNY is missing.
DOUG
Want to hear Bernard Michaels' review of "Captain Healfdene's Return"?HELEN
I' m sure we could use a laugh.DOUG
(clearing his throat)
NORM
Awwwww.ANGIE punches him in the shoulder playfully.
ANGIE
Norm...NORM
Ow! Watch the sunburn.ANGIE
How you got such a burn on one Sunday, I'll never know.NORM
I told you. I had my shirt off working on my Harley and lost track of the time.DOUG
Uh-hem! To continue, "The Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre's production brought a Twentieth Century post-Freudian punch to this Nineteenth Century staple of the now-extinct Jute bardic tradition, which had peaked with 'Beowulf' more than a millennium earlier.MARTHA
How he does go on.WILL
Sure does.ANGIE
So far, it's almost word for word from the press release I sent him.DOUG
(continuing)
HELEN
It wasn't that bad.MARTHA
When will he leave that poor woman alone?DOUG
(still reading)
ANGIE
He got that from Martin.DOUG
It concludes, "Performances of 'Captain Healfdene's Return' are, unfortunately, canceled until further notice due to unforeseen technical difficulties."NORM
Guess who's Martin's best friend?MARTHA
You got that right.HELEN
Forging right ahead...Everyone, check to be sure there aren't any pages missing from your scripts.JULIA enters. She is wearing a brief halter top and short denim cutoffs. She has a sunburn like NORM's from head to toe. She seems to be in pain from the burn.
JULIA
Have I missed anything?DOUG
Man, there seems to be an epidemic of bad tans lately.JULIA
Well, if you must know, I spent Sunday with a friend at Hippie Hollow.NORM avoids ANGIE's searing glance.
HELEN
That nudist cove on Lake Travis?DOUG
(chuckling)
ANGIE
(slapping NORM on the back)
ANGIE moves to another chair.
HELEN
Ms. Novotny...JULIA
Call me "Julia".HELEN
Julia, I hope you don't intend to make a habit of this sort of thing. We have a lot of work ahead of us.JULIA
Call me "Ms. Novotny". What sort of thing?HELEN
Well, being twenty minutes late, for one thing.JULIA
You'll get used to it.MARTHA
0ooooo...HELEN
I don't think so.JULIA
Force yourself.ANGIE and MARTHA
Oooooo...HELEN
Don't think you can't be replaced.MARTHA
Tell her.JULIA
Oh yes? Who with?HELEN
Almost anyone, actually. You're audition wasn't that good. You just had a long resume'.JULIA
I'd like to see you try to replace me.MARTHA
Do it!ANGIE
Yeah.HELEN
Ms. Parker and Ms. Squires I can do without the pep squad.MARTHA
Sorry.JULIA
I dare you.HELEN
Done. Angela Squires?ANGIE stands.
ANGIE
Yes.HELEN
Do you think you can handle the role of "Elizabeth MacNaughton"?ANGIE
(amazed)
HELEN
You've got it.ANGIE and MARTHA, bouncing up and down in their chairs.
JULIA
You can't be serious. That little...grunt? Well, you haven't won yet. I'm a favorite of the Taylors and the MacNaughtons. They run this town and they own this theater. We'll just see what they have to say about all this!As JULIA exits, she passes JOHNSON BENNETT. He is wearing dark sunglasses and walking carefully. JULIA hardly notices him.
JULIA
Oh, hi Johnson. (exits)Everyone else, however, is happy to see him doing well. They stand and welcome him enthusiastically.
JOHNS
Where is she off to?NORM
How's it going, dude?DOUG
Let's hear it for the Johnster! Hip hip!ALL
Hooray!Everyone applauds wildly.
HELEN
Welcome to the land of the living, Mr. Bennett. Your sight must be improving.JOHNS
I drove over here.MARTHA goes to him and puts her arm around him.
MARTHA
We're proud of you.NORM
Way to go.HELEN
Can you see well enough to read?JOHNS
I think so. Just let me go into the dressing room and put in my eyedrops.HELEN
Certainly. We'll get underway without you.JOHNSON exits to the dressing room.
HELEN: Very well, everyone...Act One, Scene one. Angie?
ANGIE
(reading)
HELEN
Something like that.Then from the dressing room comes a cry of despair.
JOHNS (offstage)
Oh my God!Everyone runs toward the dressing room. JOHNSON appears at the edge of the stage, his sunglasses on his head, and something strange about his face.
ANGIE
What's wrong?JOHNS
Look at me! I have no eyebrows! (weeps into his cupped hands) I don't have any eyebrows!...JOHNSON uncovers his face. We see he has no eyebrows. The stage lights fade once more and the downstage spotlight comes up to reveal ANGIE.
Act II, scene iii.
ANGIE
Sometimes life is just one tragedy after another...Well, somehow life went on. Johnson was back at rehearsals and back as well to finish the run of "Captain Healfdene's Return"--with eyebrows painted on. (pause) "Bette Davis eyes" (chuckles) Rehearsals went along without a hitch. I wondered what happened to Julia's threats. .No one came by to interfere at all. Of course, I did hear that Julia's sunburn made her physically ill for more than a week. The only thing that didn't run smooth was "the course of true love". I would have nothing to do with NORM after that. history has shown us men just can't be trusted,..Finally, the big day came. I was going to star in my first big play. Nothing could spoil that day. Not even the downpour of rain which had been constant for a week-- not even the rumblings from the reserved rows for the Daughters of the Battle of Caliche Springs as Ezekiel MacNaughton's less-than-savory character unfolded before them; nothing could spoil my triumph.ANGIE's spotlight goes out and the upstage area is decorated as a prairie when the lights come up. NORM and ANGIE are on stage. It is the end of the scene where MARGARET and GEORGE PICKET escape the clutches of the MacNaughtons.
EZEKIEL
(NORM)
ELIZABETH
(ANGIE)
They look around a while and then exit. On the other side of the stage, the Pickets are hiding in the brush. They emerge when the coast is clear.
GEORGE
We best make our way back to Mexico City. Even the Comanche country is safer than here.MARGARET
The baby won't wait, George. We gotta find us a cool stream and just hope we don't find nothin' meaner than a scorpion or a rattlesnake.GEORGE
The creek's that away. It ain't far. So hang on.GEORGE holds MARGARET around the waist and helps her offstage in the opposite direction of the MacNaughtons' exit. The lights fade out on the stage and come up on ANGIE's spotlight. ANGIE is in costume waiting for a cue. NORM passes in front of her on his way to the stage.
NORM
Good crowd for this weather.ANGIE
Uh huh.NORM
It hasn't rained like this since the Flood of '25, or so the newspapers say.ANGIE
That's what they say.NORM:
Angie, give me a chance. These last few weeks I've realized its you I need.ANGIE
Which old movie musical did that line come from?NORM
Look, kid...ANGIE
You're on. Go.NORM exits the spotlight area. ANGIE remains behind, waiting for her cue. BOBBY BILL and BILLY BOB enter behind her. Followed by JULIA.
JULIA
Angie, you remember the Taylor twins, don't you? They want to see the show up close and personal. I told them you wouldn't mind. Ta ta.JULIA exits.
BILLY BOB
Howdy, Ma'am.BOBBY BILL
Ma'am.ANGIE
(apprehensively)
BILLY BOB
It's all right, I guess.BOBBY BILL
I guess.BILLY BOB
I guess that's how it was back then.BOBBY BILL
It bein' slave times and all, ol' Ezekiel done the right thing.BILLY BOB
I reckon.ANGIE
You...uh think so? (holds out her hand) Wonderful. The roof is leaking.BOBBY BILL
He'll get 'em back.BILLY BOB
It's only right.ANGIE
I'm sorry, but I have to go. It's been fun, though.BILLY BOB
We understand, Ma'am. (holds out hand to feel leak from ceiling)BILLY BOB
Go to 'er. And watch out for the puddle on the floor.ANGIE exits the spotlight area and enters the upstage prairie set, whose lights come up while the spotlight goes out. ANGIE plays ELIZABETH searching for EZEKIEL.
ELIZABETH
Zeke! Zeke! The Indian agent is up to the cabin! He's got a deal for ya! Zeke!ANGIE exits. NORM enters from the other way as EZEKIEL. He is escorting DORI, as LITTLE SQUIRREL, trying to get her to drink whisky from a bottle in his hand.
EZEKIEL
Just a sip, Little Squirrel. It won't hurt ya none.LITTLE SQUIRREL
(turning her head)
ELIZABETH
(from offstage)
LITTLE SQUIRREL tries to escape, but EZEKIEL holds on tighter. She squeals, but he puts his hand over her mouth.
EZEKIEL
You tell 'im I'll he there die-recly! I'm negotiatin' with the tribe right now!ELIZABETH
(still offstage)
The stage lights go down as the spotlight comes up on ANGIE, BILLY BOB and BOBBY BILL.
ELIZABETH
I'll tell 'im, Zeke!BILLY BOB
(watching the play from the wings)
BOBBY BILL
Let me see.BILLY BOB
That ain't right. Ol' Zeke wouldn't do nothin' like that.BOBBY BILL
I'm goin' out there, Billy Bob.ANGIE
What?BILLY BOB
I'm with you, Bobby Bill.
ANGIE
(standing in their way)
You can't.
BILLY BOB
(picking her up by her waist)
BOBBY BILL
Come on, brother.The spotlight goes out and the upstage lights come up on EZEKIEL groping LITTLE SQUIRREL. THE TAYLOR TWINS break onto the stage.
BILLY BOB
(tapping NORM {EZEKIEL}on the shoulder)
NORM
What the--BOBBY BILL
(pulling DORI {LITTLE SQUIRREL} away)
HELEN WURTZ runs onto the stage.
HELEN
Gentlemen, please! (slips on the wet floor a little) Please.The TAYLOR TWINS are about to gang up on NORM when ANGIE enters and jumps between NORM and them.
ANGIE
Don't you touch him!ANGIE embraces NORM, and a shrill voice is heard from the audience. It is MISS LILA SUE MACNAUGHTON- TAYLOR.
MISS LILA SUE
Just stop that! (staggers to her feet) That's enough of that, cowboy! (feels for water dripping from the ceiling, opens umbrella she was using for a cane) Now I mean it! (enters stage from the audience) Billy Bob and Bobby Bill, is it?TWINS
Yes, Great-Gramma.MISS LILA SUE
Unhand that young man!... And you left out a "great".TWINS
Yessam, Great-great Gramma!The TWINS let NORM go, and MISS LILA SUE turns to address the audience.
MISS LILA SUE
And you, you snooty Daughters of the Battle of Caliche Springs, who has a better right than me to be a daughter of Caliche Springs? Do you see me frettin' and ravin' about how these young folks are portrayin' my grandpappy? No, you don't. Know why?...Just who do you think has been workin' with this Wurtz girl to write the truth? Yes, the truth. My grandpappy Zeke was a real scoundrel. There's no denyin' that. So was my daddy, God rest him. It was dog-eat-dog in those days! And Grandpappy Zeke was the dirtiest dog of them all! That's a fact! You wanted history, you got history! Now shut up, everybody, and watch the show!...Helen?HELEN
Okay, mop up the puddles and take it from the top of Act Two, everyone!MISS LILA SUE
(to the TWINS)
MISS LILA SUE moves to spotlight area, but as the TWINS approach their living ancestor, the constant rumble of thunder becomes deafening. All lights fade out except the spotlight. There is a great crash and the loud sound of rushing water. We see MISS LILA SUE frozen in fright while the sound of rushing water surges. The spotlight fades out for the last time and the stage lights come up on ANGIE alone with the debris of the Caliche Springs Dinner Theatre around her.
ANGIE
Almost all of Caliche Springs and much of the populations of Sturdley, Marshall Ford, and Jollyville turned up to pay their respects to Miss Lila Sue MacNaughton-Taylor.Some people said it was the way she would have wanted to go: in the theater, dramatically. I suspect, though, she would rather have lived to be a hundred and six or more. And, as for the rest of us...Johnson's eyebrows grew back, Dori "Little Squirrel" Bell is co-starring in the new Matthew McConaughey movie, Martin is directing Jurassic Park, The Musical, at Zachary Scott Theater. I hear it's quite...visceral. And Julia...Who cares?...Me, I got a real job. Okay, so I'm with a temporary agency in Austin...I'm back to riding tandem on Norm's Harley. He tells people the fingerprints on his kidneys are tattoos. Well, that's the history of the Caliche Springs Dinner Theater...And that's show business.
--THE END--