"Hamlet the Dane"
or
"And now for something completely...
rotten in the State of Denmark"
by
Louise Richardson
© 1988, 1991, 2001 by Louise Richardson
Of all my writings, I suppose "Hamlet the Dane" has been the most successful. Originally entitled "And Now For Something...Completely Rotten In The State of Denmark," we produced it film-style on videotape for Austin Community Televison (ACTV) public access television in 1988. Throughout the month of August 1991 the late great Capital City Playhouse gave it a full production on stage under the name of "Hamlet the Dane" as the winner of their new plays workshop, also in Austin, Texas. The following version is a culmination of my original final draft, elements added in stage and video versions, and my own recent revisions. - Louise Richardson, March 14, 2001
Dramatis Personae:
HAMLET, Prince of Denmark. Described by his uncle the king as "so depressing, so drearily down in the mouth, so maliciously melancholy." He aspires to the stage. However, as is often pointed out, "HAMLET's fatal flaw is that he can't act." Also, he has trouble following through on his main task of avenging his father's death. Never-the-less he takes pride in playing the droll fool to everyone around him. HAMLET is about 30.
CLAUDIUS, King of Denmark. CLAUDIUS is around 50 years old. He is described by his nephew, HAMLET, whom he persists in calling "son", as a "bloody windbag." He is not the only verbose one in the Court of Elsinore, but he is arguably the worst offender. CLAUDIUS is personable, bold and thoroughly ruthless. He would have felt at home in the 1980s.
GERTRUDE, Queen of Denmark. Fifty-ish or possibly in her late forties, GERTRUDE is still beautiful, if impetuous. She married her late husband's brother within weeks of her first husband's funeral, no doubt dallying amid the cold cuts at the memorial service as "the funeral-baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables".
POLONIUS, King's chancelor. He is the original "tedious old fool." His hobbies are giving trite advice and hiding behind the drapes. POLONIUS is just as loyal to the new king as he was to the old, and just as much a "pain in the arras" as always. He's about 60.
LAERTES, Polonius' son. Hot-headed LAERTES, who contrary to his father's advice, or because of it, is always ready to find "entrance to a quarrel." He is in his twenties and no one really expects him to get out of them.
OPHELIA, Polonius' daughter. OPHELIA is the young prince's girlfriend, whom he treats very shabbily during the play, however close they may have been during rehearsals. Her brother says to her when she can't hear him, "Too much of water hath thou..."And that diet didn't work any better then than it does now. She is about twenty.
HORATIO, Hamlet's friend. HORATIO is the sidekick of sidekicks, willing to get kicked in the side, if need be, for his prince. In the Kevin Kostner version of this show, he would be a friendly Moor who once saved Hamlet's life in a panty raid at Wittenberg University. He too is about thirty.
HAMLET, SR., a ghost. The late king, though somewhat earlier than Claudius, is a ghost of his former self. He has returned from the grave to "fast in fires" presumably dissatisfied with those cold cuts at his funeral, "until the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away," and while he's about he reveals to his son his "most unnatural murther" as well as the lisp he's acquired since his death.
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN, CORNELIUS and VOLTEMAND, EXTRANEOUS and SUPERFLUOUS Rosencrantz and Guildenstern themselves admit, "we're so sketchily drawn, nobody can even tell us apart." ROSENCRANTZ looks just like CORNELIUS and EXTRANEOUS, and GUILDENSTERN looks just like VOLTEMAND and SUPERFLUOUS, but they are all quite interchangeable, wearing identical clothing, the only real difference being the monograms on the medallions which hang from ribbons around their respective, if not respectable necks. They are about twenty-something each.
FRANCISCO, BERNARDO and MARCELLUS, castle guards. Why do we get the feeling the Danes will be speaking Norwegian soon? They are any ages you please.
Three PLAYERS, GOOD HUMOUR MAN, GRAVEDIGGER, two palace GUARDS, offstage VOICE These are all small but choice parts. There are no small parts, but if there were, these would be the ones.
SETTING: Elsinore Castle, Denmark
TIME: Twelth Century, Thursday
Act I, scene i. The battlements outside Elsinore Castle.
There are several overlapping levels leading to a high platform roughly in the center. There may be archways and doors here and there, the better for swash—buckling when the occasion calls for it. Just before dawn we hear a cock crow with the VOICE of a stage manager. On the high platform, a silhouetted figure paces to and fro. Lights come up on his face.
FRANCISCO
Oh, hello. I am Francisco, palace guard to the Great Dane...(Dog barks.) Not the dog, the King of Denmark. King Claudius fears the approach of Norway--not the land, itself--none of that continental drift nonsense--VOICE
Get on with it!FRANCISCO
Right. We are keeping watch for the Norwegian troops led by young Fortinbras, the prince of Norway; "we" of course, being my fellow guards and I. (We hear footsteps and the clink of armor. BERNARDO enters.) What ho there?BERNARDO
No, not Ho, it is Bernardo, friend Francisco.FRANCISCO
Approach, good Bernardo. (long pause)BERNARDO
Go on.FRANCISCO
Yes?BERNARDO
Continue your monologue.FRANCISCO
Right...uh...It has been two weeks or two months since Denmark passed on–-the King, not the country. I mean, this is a tragedy, but--BERNARDO
Get on with it.FRANCISCO
Right. We are here to unfold the terrible tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.BERNARDO
It isn't all that terrible.FRANCISCO
Our tale is entitled, Monty Py– (BERNARDO cups his hand over FRANCISCO's mouth. FRANCISCO tries to speak, but his words are muffled.)BERNARDO
Ow! You bit me!FRANCISCO
Then don't cup your hand over my mouth.BERNARDO
I was merely trying to prevent a lawsuit.FRANCISCO
Why? Just because I said "Monty Py--"?BERNARDO stops FRANCISCO's mouth by hand again, and again FRANCISCO bites him.
BERNARDO
Ow!FRANCISCO
I warned you!BERNARDO
Just be careful what you say.FRANCISCO
Well, it's just like Monty...you know who, isn't it?BERNARDO
We can't say that either.FRANCISCO
It is similar.BERNARDO
Can't say it.FRANCISCO
Well, it is British.BERNARDO
Not really.FRANCISCO
We are British, aren't we?BERNARDO
Not in the least.FRANCISCO
Well...I am.BERNARDO
No you're not. You're from Pflugerville [or insert local town with funny name], you are.FRANCISCO
(after a pause)
BERNARDO
Go on.FRANCISCO
That's all I have to say here.BERNARDO
Very well then. Shall we go?FRANCISCO
This way, I think.MARCELLUS and HORATIO enter.
MARCELLUS
Holla!FRANCISCO
Hello, Marcellus. Practicing your Spanish?MARCELLUS
(badly mispronouncing)
BERNARDO
That's dreadful!...Have you considered a career in broadcasting?MARCELLUS
Er...What was my line?BERNARDO
(whispering)
MARCELLUS
Farewell, honest soldier. Who hath relieved you?FRANCISCO
(a bit defensive)
HORATIO
I think he means, "Who is your replacement?"FRANCISCO
Oh sorry, Lord Horatio. Bernardo here is my replacement. Now if you'll excuse me.
FRANCISCO scampers away
.BERNARDO
Is Horatio there?HORATIO
A piece of him.There is a long pause during which we only hear the continuing sound of the wind and surf. The BERNARDO begins to hum aimlessly.
BERNARDO
Is it my line, then?HORATIO
(woodenly)
BERNARDO
(also woodenly)
MARCELLUS
Horatio says it's just our fancy and he won't believe in it. I asked him to come along and see for himself if it comes again.HORATIO
Tush, tush, 'twill not appear.BERNARDO
I warrant it will, milord. List' to my tale, that you may believe...Last night of all, when yond same star that's westward from the pole--MARCELLUS
Let me tell it. You always take too long to get to the point. You talk about Francisco going on and on, but you--BERNARDO
It's my turn, isn't it? Right...When yond same star that's westward from the pole had made his course t'illume that part of heaven where now it burns, Marcellus and myself, the bell then beating one--GHOST
(a low moan)
MARCELLUS
Look, where it comes again!BERNARDO
What, the ghost?GHOST
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!BERNARDO
Looks it not like the dead King?MARCELLUS
Thou art a scholar. Speak to it, Horatio.HORATIO
M-m-me?BERNARDO
Looks it not like the King? Mark it, Horatio.HORATIO
M-mark it? I'm not a b-bloody tailor. You mark it.MARCELLUS
Speak to it, Horatio.GHOST
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!HORATIO
See here, ghost. Why do you traipse around here at all hours of the night dressed like the Great Dane? Speak! Speak!Dog barks.
GHOST
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!MARCELLUS
It is offended.BERNARDO
I shouldn't wonder.GHOST
(fades into distance)
HORATIO
Stay, spirit, speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!Dog barks.
HORATIO
We've done that joke. Shall we move on? (pause) Thank you.MARCELLUS
'Tis gone and will not answer.HORATIO
At last.BERNARDO
Is not this something more than fancy, Horatio? What think you on't?HORATIO
We'll have to tell Prince Hamlet of this, won't we?GHOST
(at a distance)
HORATIO
But soft, behold, lo, where it comes again, the very image of the Dane.Dog barks.
HORATIO
I'm warning you!VOICE
Sorry. How's this then? (crows)HORATIO
Well, that's better.GHOST
(at a distance and fading)
BERNARDO
It was about to speak when the cock crew.HORATIO
Just as well. Come Marcellus.HORATIO and MARCELLUS exit.
BERNARDO
Have a good evening then!...Sleep tight! Don't let the bed bugs bite!... Bloody cold air...bloody ghost...I'll just walk to and fro then, shall I?Dog barks. Rooster crows. Cow moos, sheep bleats. Glass shatters. Fog horn blows.
BERNARDO
Bloody sound effects.Act I, scene ii. Elsinore Castle, the Royal Court. King CLAUDIUS speaks. Ambassadors CORNELIUS and VOLTEMAND try to keep each other awake.
CLAUDIUS
Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death the memory be green, and that it is befitted...to bear our hearts in grief, and our whole kingdom to be contracted in one brow of woe,...yet so far hath discretion fought with nature that we with wisest sorrow think on together with remembrance of ourselves. Therefore our sometimes sister, now our Queen, the imperial jointress to this warlike state, have we, as 'twere with a defeated joy, with an auspicious and a dropping eye...So with mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage--That didn't come out right, did it?...of course, I meant to say "dirge in marriage and mirth in funeral...No. That's quite the same thing. (clears his throat) Right. "Dirge in mirth and funeral in marriage"...That sounds all right. Well, take this message, good Cornelius and Voltemand, to old Norway...CORNELIUS
To anyone in particular, sire?CLAUDIUS
Yes, to old Norway.VOLTEMAND
Am I to understand, your majesty, that we deliver the message to the first old Norwegian we find?CLAUDIUS
Of course not.CORNELIUS
What His Majesty means, Voltemand, obviously, is that we should deposit the letter with a representative of all the aged persons in the state of Norway.CLAUDIUS
No, you idiot! I mean take the letter to Fortinbras.CORNELIUS
So we are to take it to his military encampment?CLAUDIUS
Not young Fortinbras, old Fortinbras.VOLTEMAND
But he's in Norway.CLAUDIUS
That's right. Take it to old King Fortinbras in Norway.CORNELIUS
I say, that's a long walk.CLAUDIUS
Then don't walk. Ride your horse.CORNELIUS
Oh. I hadn't thought of that.VOLTEMAND
That's why he's king, isn't it?CORNELIUS
Shall I take my toothbrush, then?CLAUDIUS
Your what?CORNELIUS
My toothbrush. If the journey should be overnight, I would need my toothbrush.CLAUDIUS
Yes, take your toothbrush.VOLTEMAND
Well then, if it's overnight, I'll need a change of clothes, won't I? Something "summery" I think.CLAUDIUS
Something summery? It's bloody cold in Norway.VOLTEMAND
Is that right?...Are you sure?CLAUDIUS
Quite.CORNELIUS
Isn't Norway to the south?CLAUDIUS
No, it's not to the south. It's northeast.VOLTEMAND
Really? Perhaps we're not talking about the same Norway, Your Majesty.CLAUDIUS
There is only one Norway and it's north.VOLTEMAND
But the Norway I mean is south, sire. You know, boot-shaped, balmy breezes, people who talk with their hands, Roman ruins, Chicken Tetrazini--CLAUDIUS
That's Italy, you silly fop!CORNELIUS
The Norway His Majesty refers to is where they have the bullfights and play the guitar all day and drink sangria--CLAUDIUS
No! That s Armenia. The Norway I mean is just a few days journey by boat--CORNELIUS
Or horse.CLAUDIUS
Or horse...That way. (points)VOLTEMAND
But that's northeast.CLAUDIUS
Precisely.CORNELIUS
Well, if you say so.CLAUDIUS
I say so.VOLTEMAND
Very good, sire. We'll go home and pack right now.CLAUDIUS
Splendid. Then go and do as I bid you.CORNELIUS and VOLTEMAND
In that and all things will we show our duty.They bow to the King as POLONIUS and LAERTES enter. We hear CORNELIUS and VOLTEMAND speaking as they exit.
CORNELIUS
I say, Voltemand, maybe we can spend Sunday on the Norwegian Riviera.VOLTEMAND
I think I'd like that.Their voices fade as they exit.
CLAUDIUS
And now, Laertes...LAERTES
Present, sire.CLAUDIUS
What's the news with you?LAERTES
Well I--CLAUDIUS
(interrupting)
LAERTES
Actually, Sire--CLAUDIUS
The head is not more native to the heart, the hand more instrumental to the mouth than is the throne of Denmark to thy father.POLONIUS
(bowing in acknowledgment)
CLAUDIUS
What wouldst thou have, Laertes?LAERTES
Well, since you ask, Sire, I–-CLAUDIUS
Tell me...Well?POLONIUS
Speak up, boy. The king is asking you something.LAERTES
Now that your coronation is over, Sire, I should like to return to France.CLAUDIUS
To France?LAERTES
Yes, Sire.CLAUDIUS
To France where the men wear skirts, eat oatmeal out of a goat's bladder, play those dreadful bagpipes...?POLONIUS
Begging your Majesty's pardon, but I think that's Scotland.CLAUDIUS
No it isn't Scotland. See here. I'm a king and I know my geography. Scotland is where the houses are made of paper, the people eat rice and do a lot of bowing.POLONIUS
(reluctantly)
CLAUDIUS
(musing)
LAERTES
May I go, then?CLAUDIUS
To Scotland?LAERTES
No, Sire, to France.CLAUDIUS
Have you your father's leave? What says Polonius?POLONIUS
He hath, my lord, wrung from me my slow leave by laborsome petition and at last upon his will I sealed my hard consent. I do beseech you give him leave to go. If he wants to eat from a goat's bladder, that's his business.HAMLET enters sighing.
CLAUDIUS
Take thy fair hour, Laertes, time be thine, and thy best graces spend it at thy will...POLONIUS and LAERTES bow and exit.
CLAUDIUS
But now, my cousin Hamlet...HAMLET
(sullen)
CLAUDIUS
My nephew Hamlet--and my sonHAMLET
Ugh...A little more than kin, and less than kind...And I'm not your son; I'm your nephew!CLAUDIUS
And stepson.HAMLET
Technically.CLAUDIUS
How is it that the clouds still hang on you?HAMLET
Not so, my lord, I am too much in the sun.GERTRUDE
Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off, and let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.HAMLET
The country or the king? This is confusing.GERTRUDE
Why, the king! The Great Dane, himself! (dog barks) Claudius...CLAUDIUS
(to the offstage dog)
HAMLET
Mother too?CLAUDIUS
No, just me. Think of me as your father and your mother as your mother.HAMLET
Oh.CLAUDIUS
Let the world take note you are the most immediate to our throne, and with no less nobility of love than that which dearest father bears to his son–-HAMLET
Oh please.CLAUDIUS
And with no less nobility of love than that which dearest father bears to his son do I impart to you...For your intent in going back to school in Wittenberg, it is most retrograde to our desire.HAMLET
But I've already purchased my beanie...(puts on school beanie)GERTRUDE
Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet. I pray thee stay with us; go not to Wittenberg.HAMLET
But I was to be goalie on the football team...GERTRUDE
(resorting to baby talk)
HAMLET
Oh, alright. I shall in all my best obey you, madam.CLAUDIUS
Why, 'tis a loving and a fair reply. Be as ourself in Denmark. Madam come. This gentle and unforced accord of Hamlet sits smiling to my heart; in grace where of, no jocund health that Denmark drinks today, but the great cannon to the clouds shall tell, and the king's rouse the heaven shall bruit again, respeaking earthly thunder. Come away.CLAUDIUS takes GERTRUDE's hand and they exit.
HAMLET
Bloody windbag...0 that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a...I do have a bit of a paunch. I could afford to drop a bit of weight...My God, I'm talking to myself. I must be going mad. It's all because of him and my mother. My father died and within a month; ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears had left the flushing in her galled eyes, she married. 0, most wicked speed, to post with such dexterity to incestuous sheets. (produces a pad and pencil from his clothing) This is good stuff. I must write it down..."Post with such dexterity...to incestuous...sheets." That's good.HORATIO and MARCELLUS enter.
HORATIO
(under his breath)
HAMLET
Ho, there.HORATIO
No, milord, not Ho. 'Tis your friend, Horatio.MARCELLUS
And I your humble servant, Marcellus.HORATIO
Hail to your lordship.HAMLET
I am glad to see you well, Horatio. But what in faith make you from Wittenberg?HORATIO
A truant disposition, good my lord.HAMLET
(jovially)
HORATIO
My lord, I came to see your father's funeral.HAMLET
I pray thee, do not nock me, fellow student. I think it was to see my mother's wedding.HORATIO
Indeed, my lord, it followed hard upon.HAMLET
Thrift, thrift, Horatio. The funeral-baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.HORATIO
I know, my lord. I hate cold meats, so I stayed with the egg salad.HAMLET
A wise choice, my friend. I'm afraid I overstuffed a bit, myself...Tell me: do you think my flesh is too too solid?MARCELLUS
(to HORATIO)
HAMLET
The what?HORATIO
Right. We saw the ghost of your father.HAMLET
Are you sure?HORATIO
I knew your father; these hands are not more like.HAMLET
Not more like what?HORATIO
Like each other, my lord.HAMLET
(comparing his hands)
MARCELLUS
My lord, upon the platform where we watched.HAMLET
Did you speak to it?MARCELLUS
My lord, I did, but answer made it none; yet once me thought it lifted up its head and did address itself to motion, like as it would speak; but even then the morning cock crew loud, and at the sound it shrunk in haste away and vanished fran our sight and the dish ran away with the spoon.HAMLET and HORATIO consider the dish and the spoon a second quizzically.
HAMLET
'Tis vey strange...Then saw you not his face?HORATIO
Whose? The dish or the spoon?HAMLET
My father's, Horatio, my father's face!MARCELLUS
0 yes, my lord, he wore his beaver up.HAMLET
Are you sure it wasn't a hedgehog?MARCELLUS
It could have been a hedgehog.HAMLET
His heard was grizzled--no?MARCELLUS
It was as I have seen it in his life a sable silvered.HAMLET
A sable or a hedgehog?MARCELLUS
Perhaps it was a hedgehog, my lord.HAMLET
I will watch tonight, perchance 'twill walk again.HORATIO
The hedgehog?HAMLET
Forget the hedgehog, Horatio--that's good. (takes out pad and pencil, writes) Hedge...hog...Horatio...Will the ghost of my father walk again?HORATIO
I warrant it will.HAMLET
Then I'll see it. So fare you well. Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.HORATIO and MARCELLUS
(bowing)
HAMLET
That's "your highness", actually...Your loves, as mine to you. Farewell.HORATIO and MARCELLUS exit.
HAMLET
My father's spirit in arms--all is not well...I'm alone again and talking to myself! I need some rest. (exits)ACT I, scene iii. The wharf on Elsinore Harbor.
LAERTES and OPHELIA enter.
LAERTES
My necessaries are embarked. Farewell. For Hamlet, and the trifling of his favor, perhaps he loves you now, but you must fear, his greatness weighed, his will is not his own. For he himself is subject to his birth. You are below his birth and, I'm afraid, no more than a bit of crumpet on the side, if you catch my drift.OPHELIA
Good my brother, do not as some ungracious pastors do, show me the steep and thorny way to heaven, whiles like a puffed and reckless libertine--LAERTES
Libertine! Why you...I oughta...Ohhh if you weren't my sister I'd...But here my father comes.OPHELIA
Well, he's my father too, libertine. Wait 'til I tell him you tried to strike me.LAERTES
I did not.OPHELIA
Did too. Libertine, libertine, nothing but a libertine...and a woman hitter.LAERTES
Eighteen years old and you're still a tattle-tale.OPHELIA
And you're twenty-one and you've got the temper of a two-year-old.LAERTES
Do not.OPHELIA
Do too.LAERTES
(forehead to forehead with her)
OPHELIA
Do to! Do to! Do Toooooo!LAERTES
(steps back, raising his hand in an idle threat)
POLONIUS enters jogging in medieval jogging atire.
OPHELIA
Did you see that, Daddy? Did you?POLONIUS is huffing and puffing and coughing as he stops jogging. Finally he catches his breath.
POLONIUS
(coughing and hacking)
OPHELIA
Daddy, Laertes tried to--POLONIUS
No tattling today, Ophelia, Laertes is leaving for France and I have some advice to tell him.OPHELIA
Good. 'Tis a fit punishment.POLONIUS
Laertes, give thy thoughts no tongue, nor any unproportioned thought his act--LAERTES
(cutting him off impatiently)
OPHELIA
See, Daddy, he tried it again!POLONIUS
There is more, Laertes.OPHELIA
Good.LAERTES
(bearing his teeth)
POLONIUS
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel, but do not dull thy pain with entertainment of each new-hatched, unfledged courage. Beware of entrance to a quarrel; but being in, bear't that the opposed may beware of thee. Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice; take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement--LAERTES
Yes. Thank you, father. I will.POLONIUS
(clears throat loudly)
LAERTES
Of course, Father, I--POLONIUS
For the apparel oft proclaims the man, and they in France of the best rank and station are of a nust select and generous chief in that. Neither--LAERTES with POLONIUS
a borrower nor a lender be...LAERTES
(alone)
POLONIUS
Have you heard this before?LAERTES
Many times, Father.OPHELIA
But we never tire of hearing it. Do we, Laertes?LAERTES
(poised to slap her)
POLONIUS
Where was I?OPHELIA
(smuggly)
POLONIUS
Oh yes. (mumbles) "Dulleth the edge of husbandry. (speaks up) This above all, to thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day thou canst not then be false to any man.LAERTES
(after a pause for more advice)
POLONIUS
Farewell. My blessing season this in thee.LAERTES
Most humbly do I take my leave, my lord.POLONIUS
The time invites you. Go, your servants tend.LAERTES
Farewell, Ophelia, and remember well what I have said to you.OPHELIA
Mind your own business, libertine.LAERTES
Brat!OPHELIA
Woman hitter!LAERTES
(as he exits)
OPHELIA
(after LAERTES' exit)
POLONIUS
What is't, Ophelia, he hath said to you?OPHELIA
(coyly)
POLONIUS
Marry, well bethought. 'Tis told me he hath very oft of late given private time to you, and you yourself have of your audience been most free and bounteous. What is between you? Give me up the truth.OPHELIA
Prince Hamlet hath, my lord, of late made many tenders of his affection to me.POLONIUS
Affection? Pooh! You speak like a green girl.OPHELIA
But I am a Green Girl, Father, First Class. You remember my earning all those merit badges, don't you?POLONIUS
What I meant was--OPHELIA
(lost in nostalgia)
POLONIUS
(clears throat)
POLONIUS exits.
OPHELIA
I shall obey, my lord. (under her breath) I'm so sure.
OPHELIA exits.
Act I, scene iv. The battlements. The wind howls as a rooster crows. HAMLET, HORATIO and MARCELLUS enter. MARCELLUS is dressed for warmer weather in his Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts.
HAMLET
The air bites shrewdly, Horatio; it is very cold.HORATIO
It is a nipping and an eager air, milord.MARCELLUS
Oh I don't know. It's actually quite balmy to me.HORATIO
You're the balmy one, Marcellus. It's bleedin' freezing, it is.MARCELLUS
Doesn't bother me, milord.HORATIO
Well, it bothers me. Makes me shiver just to look at you.MARCELLUS
Really, I'm fine, milord.HAMLET
Give him your coat, Horatio.HORATIO
He says he's fine, milord.MARCELLUS
It is getting a bit on the nippy side.HAMET
There, you see?MARCELLUS
Alright. I'll take your coat then.HORATIO
You will not. You should have dressed properly in the first place.MARCELLUS
But Lord Hamlet said--The GHOST enters below, moaning.
HORATIO
Look, my lord, it comes.HAMLET
What, good Horatio?HORATIO
The spirit. Just there, my lord. (points)HAMLET
Angels and ministers of grace defend us! Be thou a spirit of health or goblin damned, bring with thee airs from bell, be thy intents wicked or charitable, thou comest in such a questionable shape that I will speak to thee. I'll call thee Hamlet, king, father, royal Dane, 0 answer me! Speak! (Dog barks.)HAMLET, HORATIO and MARCELLUS
(to dog)
HORATIO
The spirit beckons you to go away with it, milord.MARCELLUS
But do not go with it.HORATIO
No, by no means.HAMLET
It will not speak. Then will I follow it. Come.HORATIO
Us?MARCELLUS
All of us?HORATIO
Hold him back, Marcellus. You shall not go, my lord.HAMLET
Hold off your hands.MARCELLUS
Be ruled. You shall not go.HAMLET
Very well then, you two go with it.MARCELLUS
But it beckons you, my lord.HORATIO
Yes, it looks like your father, not mine. Go, my lord.MARCELLUS
Go, my lord.HAMLET
Lead on, spirit. I'll follow thee. (exits)HORATIO
He waxes desperate with imagination.MARCELLUS
Let us follow--at a safe distance.HORATIO
To what issue will this come?MARCELLUS
(suddenly the orator)
HORATIO
Sorry. I did'nt realize this was still in my pocket. It's an egg salad sandwich from the combination funeral-wedding party last month. (tosses aside sandwich)MARCELLUS
Right. Let's follow.HORATIO and MARCELLUS exit. HAMLET enters at a lower level. The GHOST appears behind him.
HAMLET
Hither wilt thou lead me, o ghost? Speak. I'll go no further.GHOST
Mark me.HAMLET
(searching his pockets)
GHOST
My hour is almost come, when I to sulfurous and tormenting flames must render up myself.HAMLET
Alas, poor ghost!GHOST
Oh, it's not bad really. It certainly beats this bloody Elsinore weather--bloody cold and wet all the time...Where was I?HAMLET
You were about to tell me something, I think.GHOST
Right. I am thy father's spirit and--HAMLET
I knew it!GHOST
Don't interrupt me, boy. You always interrupted me when I told you a story...I am doomed for a certain term to walk the night, and for the day confined to fast in fires, till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are--HAMLET
Foul crimes? You father?GHOST
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt and purged away. List, list, 0 list!HAMLET
(taking out pad and pencil)
GHOST
Don't write anything down! Give me that! (takes pad and pencil)HAMLET
But you said...GHOST
What's this? (reads) "Post with such dexterity to incestuous sheets hedgehog Horatio?"HAMLET
Just random thoughts, Father. I thought I'd pen a play someday.GHOST
About an incestuous hedgehog named Horatio?HAMLET
(nervously)
GHOST
Forget the hedgehog. Hamlet, if thou didst ever thy dear father love, revenge his most unnatural murther.HAMLET
Murther?GHOST
You see? I'm so upset, I'm lisping. Try "murder", "murder most foul".HAMLET
Murder by a chicken?GHOST
'Tis given out that, sleeping in my orchard, a serpent stung me.HAMLET
But it was a chicken, not a serpent!GHOST
Who's telling this story, Hamlet?HAMLET
Sorry.GHOST
Right...Know thou, noble youth, the serpent that did sting thy father's life now wears his crown.HAMLET
A snake wears your crown?GHOST
Metaphorically speaking...HAMLET
0 my prophetic soul! My uncle!GHOST
Congratulations...Aye that incestuous, that adulterate beast, with witchcraft of his wit, with traitorous gifts--O wicked wit and gifts, that have the power so to seduce--won to his shameful lust the will of my most seeming-virtuous queen.HAMLET
Blighter!GHOST
But soft, methinks I scent the morning air. (pause) Methinks I scent the morning air! (clears throat, shouts louder) Methinks I scent the morning air!!VOICE
Sorry. (crows like a rooster)GHOST
Right. Hamlet, if thou hast nature in thee, bear it not. Let not the royal bed of Denmark be a couch for luxury and damned incest. But howsomever thou pursues this act, taint not thy mind, nor let thy soul contrive against thy mother aught, leave her to heaven. (clears throat) Leave her to heaven!VOICE
Keep your shirt on. (crows)GHOST
(as he exits)
HAMLET
Adieu. Remember thee? Yea, from the table of my memory I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, all saws of books, all forms, all pressures past that youth and observation copied there, and thy commandment alone shall live within the book and volume of my brain, unmixed with baser matter. Yes, by heaven, I'll remember thee, Uncle!GHOST
(from off stage)
HAMLET
Right. Father. Now to my word: It is "Adieu, adieu, remember me. I have sworn't.HORATIO and MARCELLUS
(off stage, then they enter)
They find HAMLET and join him.
HORATIO
Heavens secure him!HAMLET
So be it! what, have you been following all along?MARCELLUS
Well, I did go home and get this sweater first. Like it?HORATTO
Still, I wish you'd cover your legs as well...What news, my lord?HAMLET
0, wonderful!HORATTO
How "wonderful"?HAMLET
Well, not so good, really.HORATTO
Good my lord, tell it.HAMLET
No, you will reveal it.HORATIO
Not I, my lord, by heaven.MARCELLUS
Nor I, my lord.HAMLET
Well, perhaps...No, I can't tell you now.MARCELLUS
Come on...HAMLET
However, as you are friends, scholars, and soldiers, give me one poor request.HORATIO
What is't, my lord? We will.HAMLET
Never make known what you have seen tonight.MARCELLUS
That's not much, is it? Just a bloody ghost and you won't even tell us what he said. Some bloody secret.HAMLET
Nay, but swear't.HORATIO
I swear it.MARCELLUS
(reluctantly)
HAMLET
Upon my sword.MARCELLUS
We have sworn, my lord, already. Much ado about nothing, I say.GHOST
(off stage)
MARCELLUS
Damn it, bloody bugger!HORATIO
Not that way, you twit; on the sword.GHOST
Swear!HAMLET
You hear this fellow in the cellarage. Consent to swear.HORATIO
Propose the oath, my lord.HAMLET
Never to speak of this that you have seen. Swear by my sword.GHOST
Swear!MARCELLUS
I wish he'd stop doing that. All right, I swear.HAMLET
Here and everywhere? Then we'll shift our ground. Come hither, gentlemen. Swear by my sword.MARCELLUS
Is all this really necessary, my lord. I mean we–-GHOST
Swear by his sword!MARCELLUS
Right. Whatever you say!HORATIO
O day and night, but this is wondrous strange.MARCELLUS
You just noticed that, did you?HAMLET
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.HORATIO
Well quoted, Lord Bartlet.HAMLET
That's Hamlet.GHOST
Swear!MARCELLUS
We swear already! (under his breath) Bloody ectoplasmic git.GHOST
I heard that!HAMLET
Rest, rest, perturbed spirit! So, gentlemen, let us go in together, and still you fingers on your lips, I pray.MARCELLUS
We swore five times, didn't we? (exits, his voice trailing into the distance) Bloody swear this and swear that...HORATIO exits.
HAMLET
(not seeing he is alone)
Act I, scene v. A hallway in Elsinore Castle.
POLONIUS enters. OPHELIA enters, running behind him. He stops when she calls out.
OPHELIA
Father! 0 my lord, my lord. I have been so affrighted!POLONIUS
With what in the name of God?OPHELIA
My lord, as I was sewing in my closet-POLONIUS
Ophelia, how many times have I told you that your closet is too dark for sewing. You'll ruin your eyes.OPHELIA
Yes, Father, but as I was saying, lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced, no hat upon his head, his stockings fouled, ungartered, and down-gyved to his ankle, pale as shirt, his knees knocking each other, and with a look so piteous in purport as if he bad been loosed out of Hell to speak of horrors--he comes before me.POLONIUS
What, in your closet?OPHELIA
No, in my bed chamber. I had the door open.POLONIUS
Mad for thy love, was he?OPHELIA
My lord, I do not know, but truly I do fear it.POLONIUS
What said he?OPHELIA
He took me by the wrist and held me hard.POLONIUS
And in the closet!OPHELIA
No Father, on my bed. And then I was on top and I held him hard while he--POLONIUS
I've heard enough!OPHELIA
He raised a sigh so piteous and profound--POLONIUS
Enough daughter! I get the picture. Come, go with me. I will go seek the king. This is the very ecstacy of love...OPHELIA
(ecstatically)
POLONIUS
And you had done nothing to encourage him?OPHELIA
(gathering composure)
POLONIUS
That hath made him mad.OPHELIA
(orgasmically)
POLONIUS
Come, go we to the king.OPHELIA
Oh, Daddy, I'm certain Lord Hamlet meant it all in a nice way. I mean, he was so gentle, so responsive, so willing to please...POLONIUS
Come, go we to the king. (pulling her by the hand)OPHELIA
But Daddy...POLONIUS
Come, go!POLONIUS and OPHELIA exit.
Act I, scene v. Elsinore Castle. The Royal Court. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, looking identical to CORNELIUS and VOLTEMAND, stand before the king and queen.
CLAUDIUS
Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Moreover that we much did long to see you, the need we have to use you did provoke our hasty sending. Something have you heard of Hamlet's transformation--so call it, sith nor the exterior nor the inward man resembles that it was. What it should be more than his father's death, that thus hath put him so much from the understanding of himself, I cannot dream of.ROSENCRANTZ
(whispering)
GUILDENSTERN
(whispering)
CLAUDIUS
So by your companies to draw him on to pleasures, and to gather so much as from occasion you may glean, whether aught to us unknown afflicts him thus, that opened lies within our remedy.ROSENCRANTZ
Come again?GERTRUDE
Good gentlemen, he bath much talked of you, and sure I am two men there are not living to whom he more adheres. If it will please you to show us so much gentry and good will as to expend your tune with us awhile for the supply and profit of our hope, your visitation shall receive such thanks as fits a king's remembrance.ROSENCRANTZ
(whispering)
GUILDENSTERN
(whispering)
ROSENCRANTZ
"Verbose" eh? Where'd you get that?GUILDENSTERN
What, "verbose"? It's part of me vocabulary. I've always used it.ROSENRANTZ
Oh "vocabulary", that's nice. So now that we're in court we're not half using a lot of big words, are we?GUILDENSTERN
I don't know what you mean. Just because I employ a few polysyllabic--ROSENCRANTZ
Oh it's "polysyllabic" now, is it? Just you answer me this, Guildy, where did you bloody learn to talk like that?GUILDENSTERN
In university, of course.ROSENCRANTZ
In university?"GUTLDENSTERN
That's right. Don't you remember? You were there.ROSENCRANTZ
I was?GUILDENSTERN
Certainly, Rosey, we're students, quite scholarly courtiers, young noblemen, old school chums of Lord Hamlet.ROSENCRANTZ
Are we really? I thought we were ignorant gravediggers, shepherds, stable grooms--something like that--hairdressers maybe.GUILDENSTERN
Well, we're not. We're courtiers and scholars, we are.ROSENCRANTZ
But we're so sketchily drawn. I mean nobody can even tell us apart.GUILDENSTERN
Be that as it may, we are courtiers, Guildenstern.ROSENCRANTZ
I thought you were Guildenstern.GUILDENSTERN
Well, so I am! I'm beginning to see what you mean about our being poorly drawn. Quite confusing really.CLAUDIUS
(clears throat)
GUILDENSTERN
Of course, Your Majesty. Right, Guildy?ROSENCRANTZ
"Rosey", you twit! I'm Rosencrantz and you're Guildenstern.GUILDENSTERN
Oh. I did it again, didn't I? Oh this is most embarassing.CLAUDIUS
So, will you do it?ROSENCRANTZ
Do what, sire?CLAUDIUS
Spy on Hamlet as I said before.GUILDENSTERN
Oh, "spy" on him!GERTRUDE
And find out why he's so morose all the time.GUILDENSTERN
Morose?ROSENCRANTZ
(to GUILDENSTERN sarcastically)
GUILDENSTERN
Right. We both obey, and here give up ourselves in the full bent to lay our service freely at your feet, to be commanded.CLAUDIUS
(shakes GUILDENSTERN's hand, then ROSENCRANTZ's hand)
GUILDENSTERN
Uh, sire, I'm Guildenstern and he's Rosencrantz.GERTRUDE
(pats ROSENCRANTZ's hand, then GUILDENSTERN's hand)
ROSENCRANTZ
Er, I'm gentle Rosencrantz, your Majesty, and he's--GERTRUDE
I beseech you instantly to visit my too much changed son.GUILDENSTERN
Heavens make our presence and our practices pleasant and helpful to him!GERTRUDE
Aye, amen!ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN converse as they exit.
ROSENCRANTZ
We're priests then?GUILDENSTERN
No, Rosenstern, I'll explain it to you just once more. (exits)ROSENCRANTZ
Did you say "Rosenstern"? (exits)GUILDENSTERN
(off stage)
ROSENCRANTZ
(off stage) Oh.POLONIUS enters.
CLAUDIUS
Come, good Polonius. What say you?POLONIUS
Sire, the ambassadors from Norway are joyfully returned.CLAUDIUS
Thou still hath been the father of good news.POLONIUS
Have I, my lord? I do think that I have found the very cause of Hamlet's lunacy.CLAUDIUS
0, speak of that! That do I long to hear.POLONIUS
Give first admittance to the ambassadors, Sire. My news shall be the fruit to that great feast.CLAUDIUS
My what a nice figure of speech--a simile, what?POLONIUS
No, a metaphor, sire.CLAUDIUS
Well, jolly well done whatever it was.POLONIUS
Thanks, my lord. Your majesty shall sup on the great fruit of my news.CLAUDIUS
Was that another one?POLONIUS
(proudly)
CLAUDIUS
Oh very much so.POLONIUS
And I do hope that the seeds of the fruit of my news lodge not betwixt the teeth of thy pleasure.CLAUDIUS
No, I didn't like that one at all. Do you have any others?POLONIUS
Well, how about this one--GERTRUDE
Claudius, the ambassadors are waiting.CLAUDIUS
Yes, yes. Polonius, show them in.POLONIUS bows and exits.
CLAUDIUS
Polonius tells me, my dear Gertrude, he hath found the head and source of all your son's distemper.GERTRUDE
I doubt it is no other than the main, his father's death and our o'erhasty marriage.CLAUDIUS
Still harping on that is he? I mean it's already been two weeks, hasn't it?GERTRUDE
Two months, dear my lord.CLAUDIUS
Well, there you are then: two months. That's four fortnights, eight weeks, sixty days, one thousand four hundred forty hours. It's eighty-six thousand four hundred minutes! Really, it's quite tedious of him to go on so.POLONIUS re-enters with CORNELIUS and VOLTEMAND who are wearing sunglasses, having just returned from the "Norwegian Riveriera."
POLONIUS
The ambassadors, sire. (bows and exits)CLAUDIUS
Welcome, my good friends. Say, Voltemand, what from our brother Norway?VOLTEMAND
Our brother?CLAUDIUS
Not your brother, my brother. I was employing the "royal we".VOLTEMAND
Oh, I see...Is he really your brother?CLAUDIUS
I was speaking metaphorically, of course. I and Norway and France and England and Scotland and Flanders and Naples and Castille and Lictenschtein and so forth. Well, you see, we all belong to a small, but exclusive, brotherhood, a fraternity of monarchs: kings, princes, emperors, queens, princesses, czars, sultans, shahs, maharajas...CORNELIUS
Barons, earls, marquises...CLAUDIUS
No no, none of that riff-raff. An occasional grand duke, perhaps. No, I'm talking about the creme de la crene, the top of the heap, the few, the elite, the regal pinnacle of personages, the special society of stupendous sovereigns...GERTRUDE
Methinks I feel a song coming on.CLAUDIUS
The chosen of God, the anointed, the possessors of the devine rights of kings!CLAUDIUS takes GERTRUDE by the hand. They stand as a musical introduction is played. They dance a minuet as the king sings "The King of Clubs."
CLAUDIUS
(singing)
| O the king of clubs is the club of kings In which regal ones do such regal things, Such as wearing royal crowns, Such as wearing royal rings. Yes, the king of clubs is the club of kings. |
All
The king of clubs is the club of kings.
CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE dance the minuet.
CLAUDIUS
(sings)
| The king of clubs only sports the best With each blue-blooded heart In each blue-blooded chest. We're so glad we're the oppressors Instead of the oppressed. 0 the king of clubs only sports the best. |
All
The king of clubs only sports the best.
CLAUDIUS
(speaking to audience)
GERTRUDE
Really, Claudius.CLAUDIUS
(sings)
| We are the club of the terribly well-fed Who can have squab and ale, say, For breakfast in bed. Our only problem is We're all dangerously in-bred. |
ALL
The club of kings is dangerously in-bred.
CLAUDIUS
(speaking)
CLAUDIUS takes GERTRUDE's hand and they return to sit on their thrones.
CLAUDIUS
(to VOLTEMAND)
Well?
VOLTEMAND
Sire?CLAUDIUS
What news, Voltemand?VOLTEMAND
Oh, the news.CLAUDIUS
What from our brother Norway?VOLTEMAND
Our brother is Norway?CLAUDIUS
Do I have to sing another song to make you understand?CORNELIUS
No!VOLTEMAND
No!...No, Sire. That won't be necessary. (takes scrolled message from inside his clothes, reads aloud) Most fair return of greetings and desires. Upon our first, he sent out to suppress his nephew's levies, which to him appeared to be preparation 'gainst the Polack"CLAUDIUS
What is it in a nutshell, Voltemand?VOLTEMAND
(searching his clothes)
CLAUDIUS
Tell me what he said and quickly!VOLTEMAND
But he didn't say it quickly, Sire.CLAUDIUS
Guards! (GUARDS enter, CLAUDIUS motions, and GUARDS take VOLTEMAND away.) Now, good Cornelius, can you tell me quickly what the message says?CORNELIUS
Yes, Sire. (Gulps a deep breath, speeds through message.) Old Norway said Fortinbras couldn t attack us. Fortinbras said "all right". Norway raised his allowance and told him to attack Poland. (Gulps a bigger breath.)CLAUDIUS
Guards! (GUARDS enter.) Take him away! (GUARDS take the bewildered CORNELIUS away.)CORNELIUS
(as he is being dragged away)
CLAUDIUS
(to the audience)
Act I, scene ix. Still in the Royal Court
POLONIUS
This business is well ended. My liege and madam, to expostulate what majesty should be, what duty is, why day is day, night night, and time is time, were nothing but to waste night, day, and time. Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief: your noble son is mad. Mad call I it, for to define true madness, what is it but to be nothing else but mad? But let that go.GERTRUDE
More matter, with less art.POLONIUS
Madam, I swear I use no art at all. That he is mad, 'tis true; 'tis true 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true--a foolish figure. But farewell it, for I will use no art. Mad let us grant him then, and now remains that we find out the cause of this effect--or rather say, the cause of this defect, for this effect defective comes by cause. Thus it remains, and the remainder thus--CLAUDIUS
Guards!POLONIUS
(quickly)
GUARDS enter.
CLAUDIUS
Does this have anything to do with Hamlet's madness?POLONIUS
I do so believe, my lord; he is mad for her love. (CLAUDIUS motions GUARD away, POLONIUS reads) "Doubt thou the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move--"CLAUDIUS
Don't read the bloody thing aloud! How may we try it further?POLONIUS
You know sometimes he walks four hours together here in the lobby.GERTRUDE
So he does indeed.POLONIUS
At such a time I'll loose my daughter to him. Be you and I behind an arras then. Mark the encounter. If he love her not, and be not from his reason fallen thereon, let me be no assistant for a state but keep a farm and carters.CLAUDIUS
We will try it.GERTRUDE
(spying HAMLET entering downstage)
POLONIUS
Away, I do beseech you both, away. (CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE stand.) I'll board him presently. (HAMLET stands downstage reading a book which looks very much like a "Pelican" or "Penguin" or "Signet" paperback of "Hamlet") 0 give me leave. (CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE exit upstage.) How does my good Lord Hamlet?CLAUDIUS
(re-entering briefly)
POLONIUS
(motioning CLAUDIUS away, CLAUDIUS exits)
HAMLET
(looking up after a long pause)
CLAUDIUS
(re-re-entering)
HAMLET
Who died and made him king?CLAUDIUS
(offstage)
HAMLET
Right.POLONIUS
(reading from book)
HAMLET
Beg pardon?POLONIUS
(pointing to line in hook)
POLONIUS indicates the three clownish PLAYERS who now enter from upstage.
POLONIUS
The best actors in the world, either for tragedy, (PLAYERS mime tragedy.) comedy, (PLAYERS mime comedy.) history, (They try to mime each genre as quickly as POLONIUS can speak it, the pace quickening until they exhaust themselves.) pastoral, pastoral-comical, historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-comical-historical-pastoral--HAMLET
Guards!POLONIUS exits in a hurry. The PLAYERS begin to exit also, but HAMLET calls them back.
HAMLET
You are welcome actors, masters all! (HAMLET meets them halfway up the levels of the stage, gathers them around himself, and the PLAYERS listen as immovably and as seriously as any three stooges or Marxes full of mischief.) Could you perform "The Murder of Gonzago" for us at court tonight? (They mime murdering one another and nod "Yes".) Could you insert a speech of some fourteen lines which I will give you? (They look at one another doubtfully until HAMLET takes a bag of gold coins from his clothing, opens the bag, lets the PLAYERS peer inside, and draws the strings on one of their noses.) Splendid! The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king! (The PLAYERS all applaud, or at least mime applause.) Thank you, so much! I say, could you chaps teach me to act? (The PLAYERS mime trying to hold back uncontrolable laughter.) Everyone says "Hamlet's tragic flaw is that he can't act." I never understood that. (One of the PLAYERS takes his book, HAMLET looks around, the three play keep away with the book, HAMLET looks around again, one PLAYER skims through the pages of the book and taps HAMLET on the shoulder.) Oh, you've found it. (The PLAYER points out something in the book as another player whispers in HAMLET's ear.) Alright, then: To be!" (The third PLAYER mimes for HAMLET to be more forceful.) Very well: "To be!" (One PLAYER pinches HAMLET's lips into a pucker.) "Tuh" (Another PLAYER adjusts HAMLET's posture, the one still pinching the lips.) "Tuh bih." (The remaining PLAYER squeezes HAMLET around the kidneys.) Oooph! (The three PLAYERS mime for HAMLET to try the speech again.) "To be!" (One whispers in HAMLET's ear.) "To be! Or not to be!" (One PLAYER becomes the conductor and the other two are the silent chorus on either side of HAMLET.) "To be to be toooo. A to be to be. To be to be tooo." (HAMLET "to be's" to the tune of "Strangers In The Night" as they all exit together downstage... or other stage directions to that effect.)Act I, scene vi. Elsinore Castle, the lobby. We see a long curtain or tapestry or arras is stretched across in front of the upper platform upstage. Downstage of it are CLAUDIUS, POLONIUS and OPHELIA.
POLONIUS
Ophelia, walk you here. (to CLAUDIUS) Gracious, so please you, we will bestow ourselves. (to OPHELIA, handing her a small book) Read on this book.OPHELIA
(reading aloud)
POLONIUS
(grabbing the book away)
POLONIUS, OPHELIA and CLAUDIUS all hide behind the arras, but the audience, and presumably HAMLET, can easily see their feet. HAMLET enters, still singing "To be to be toooo". When he reaches downstage center, HAMLET, now every inch an actor, begins doing stretches, and the most bizarre vocal warm—ups possible. Finally, he stops.
HAMLET
Enough warm—ups, then.He climbs the levels to the top platform, takes a stance, and proceeds to perform the most overacted, over—mannered, schtickiest version of the following soliloquy that has ever been perpetrated.
HAMLET
| To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune Or to take arms against a sea of troubles And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep No more and by a sleep to say we end The heartache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consumation Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep To sleep, perchance to dream: aye there's the rub, For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. (four or five beats) There's the respect That makes calamity of so long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely. (suddenly puzzled) "contumely"? (continues) The pangs of despised love, the law's delay, The insolence of office, and the spurns That patient merit of the unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscovered country, from whose bourn No traveler returns, puzzles the will, And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pitch and moment With this regard their currents turn awry And lose the name of action. |
HAMLET
(then after a beat)
POLONIUS shoves OPHELIA through a slit in the arras. OPHELIA tries to return behind the curtain, but POLONIUS points a stern finger downstage. OPHELIA warily descends the levels toward HAMLET. He turns around when she speaks.
OPHELIA
Good my lord, how does your honor for this many a day?HAMLET
I humbly thank you, well, well, well.OPHELIA
I have your letters, my lord. I've been meaning to return them.HAMLET
I never sent you any letters.OPHELIA
My honored lord, you know right well you did, and with them words of so sweet breath composed as made the things more rich. Their perfume lost, take these again. (takes letters from her bodice; with some difficulty) Take these again, for to the noble mind rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.HAMLET
I see...(aside) Now I'll show them some acting! (to OPHELIA, maniacally) Ha ha! Are you honest?OPHELIA
My lord?HAMLET
Are you fair?OPHELIA
What means you lordship?HAMLET
If you're fair, you really should stay out of the sun.OPHELIA
(fed up)
HAMLET
(shaken, holding his jaw)
OPHELIA
Go to hell!She exits in a huff. HAMLET, dazed, stumbles away as he too exits--in the opposite direction. When they have left, CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS step from behind the curtains.
CLAUDIUS
Love? His affections do not that way tend. And what is Ophelia on about?POLONIUS
I know not, my lord, but what of Hamlet?CLAUDIUS
He is either mad or he is the worst actor I've ever seen. There's something in his soul o'er which his melancholy sits on brood, and I do doubt the hatch and the disclose will be of some danger; which for to prevent, I have in quick determination thus set it down: he shall with speed to England for the demand of our neglected tribute. What think you on't?POLONIUS
It shall do well. But yet do I believe the origin and commencement of his grief sprung from neglected love. My lord, if you hold it fit, after the play let his queen mother all alone entreat him, to show his grief. Let her be round with him, and I'll be placed, so please you, in the ear off all their conference. If she find him not, to England send him, or confine him where your wisdom best shall think.CLAUDIUS
It shall be so! Madness in great ones must not unwashed go.CLAUDIUS exits.
POLONIUS
(following CLAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS
(offstage)
Act I, scene vii. Elsinore Castle. The Royal Court. HAMLET and HORATIO enter. They spy the grand procession amassing just offstage.
HAMLET
They are coming to the play. I must idle. Get you a place and note how the king reacts.HORATIO exits as GLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE lead a court parade from the other end of the downstage area up the levels to the top platform. POLONIUS and OPHELIA follow, with ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN bringing up the rear and carrying the wicker thrones while playing the kazoo fanfare. CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE sit on their thrones. POLONIUS and OPHELIA to one side. ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN stand on either side of the gathered party.
CLAUDIUS
(seeing HAMLET below)
HAMLET
(climbing the levels angrily)
CLAUDIUS
And step son.HAMLET
All right then, step son...(playing to his audience) I fare excellent, in faith, of the chameleon's dish. I eat the air, promised-crammed. You cannot feed capons so.CLAUDIUS
(analytically)
HAMLET
My lord Polonius, you played once in the university, you say?POLONIUS
Quite the contrary, my lord. I was a serious student and was not there to play. There was only that one incident with the goat, but--HAMLET
I mean, you enacted a role in a play.POLONIUS
Oh quite, quite. I did enact Julius Caesar. I was killed in the Capitol; Brutus killed me.HAMLET
Killed in the Capitol? Sounds rather painful. Stabbed in the rotunda, no doubt. (to HORATIO who enters downstage) Be the players ready?HAMLET crosses to stand by OPHELIA.
HORATIO
Ay, my lord. They stay upon your patience.GOOD HUMOUR MAN enters suddenly with his tray of bottled drinks in appropriate colors.
GOOD HUMOUR MAN
Hot blood, cold blood! Black bile, yellow bile, phlegm!HAMLET
Vendor, do get your business done at once. The play is about to begin.GOOD HUMOUR MAN
What'll ya have, governor?HAMLET
Are they truly good humours?GOOD HUMOUR MAN
I dare say they are. Have a taste?HAMLET
Perhaps later.GOOD HUMOUR MAN
Suit yourself. Your yellow bile is best when fresh. (Wanders among the court.) Hot blood! Cold blood! Black bile! Yellow bile! Phlegm!CLAUDIUS
(to GERTRUDE)
GERTRUDE
Please, I'm on a diet.GOOD HUMOUR MAN exits. There is a kazoo fanfare as those standing sit down to watch the play below. The PLAYERS act out a dumb show, a pantomime of the play to follow.
OPHELIA
What means this, my lord?HAMLET
Marry, this is miching mallecho; it means mischief.OPHELIA
Belike this show imparts the argument of the play. (fanfare)HAMLET
So it does, but what's this nonsense?A puppet theatre is wheeled out and the plot is repeated with hand puppets.
HAMLET
These short subjects are so tedious.There is another kazoo fanfare as the lights fade out except for a spotlight on the back of the now turned around puppet theatre. Several pairs of hands now perform finger shadows. We hear OPHELIA and HAMLET speak in the darkness.
OPHELIA
My lord, are these previews of coming attractions?HAMLET
It's a bloody give away of the plot, it is.OPHELIA
Oh, bad show.HAMLET
Indeed.The spotlight fades out. When the lights come up again, the stage is cleared of the puppet theatre and all but one PLAYER, who is dressed in a modern white suit with a string tie.
FIRST PLAYER
For us and for our tragedy, here stooping to your clemency, we beg your hearing patiently.HAMLET
Would you get on with it?!FIRST PLAYER
Right. Here we go then. (Strikes a pose, clears his voice and speaks with a deep southern dialect, not unlike "Big Daddy" in Tennessee Williams "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof".) Full thirty times hath Phoebus' cart gone round Neptune's salt wash and Tellus' or-bed ground, and thirty dozen moons with borrowed sheen about the world have times twelve thirties been, since love our hearts, and Hymen did our hands unite commutual in most sacred bands.As the FIRST PLAYER extends his hand, the SECOND PLAYER enters, a Williams heroine in a white slip, speaking like "Maggie the Cat", "Baby Doll" or "Blanche Dubois". He takes the hand of the FIRST PLAYER.
SECOND PLAYER
So many journeys may the sun and moon make us again count o'er ere love be done! But woe is me, you are so sick of late, so far from cheer and from your former state, that I distrust you. Yet, though I distrust, discomfort you, my lord, it nothing must. For women's fear and love hold quantity in neither aught, or in extremity. Now what my love is, proof hath made you know, and as my love is sized, my fear is so. Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear; where little fears grow great, great love grows there.FIRST PLAYER
Faith, I must leave thee, love, and shortly too; my operant powers their functions leave to do. And thou--SECOND PLAYER
0, confound the rest!FIRST PLAYER
(dropping character, skipping ahead in his lines)
SECOND PLAYER
Sleep rock thy brain, and never come mischance between us twain!FIRST PLAYER mimes sleeping while standing.
HAMLET
(to GERTRUDE)
GERTRUDE
(a scratch pad and pencil in hands)
CLAUDIUS
(totally confused)
HAMLET
No, no, they do but jest, poison in jest. (mimes ingesting poison) no offense in the world.CLAUDIUS
What do you call the play?HAMLET
"The Mousetrap".CLAUDIUS
And which player is the cheese?The THIRD PLAYER enters, torn T-shirt and all, a Marlon Brando version of Stanley Kowalski, no less, in a method acting tour-de- force.
HAMLET
That would be Lucianus, Duke of Lindburger, nephew to the King.THIRD PLAYER
Thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit, and the time agreeing. Confederate season, else no creature seeing. Thou mixture rank, of midnight weeds collected, with Hecate's ban twice blasted, thrice infected. Thy natural magic and dire property on wholesome life usurps immediately.THIRD PLAYER takes a small "Coke" bottle from his hip pocket and "pours" the contents into the ear of the sleeping "King".
HAMLET
He poisons him in the garden for his estate. His name is Gonzago. We shall see anon how the murderer gets the love of Gonzago's wife. (beat) The murderer gets the love of Gonzago s wife, Uncle!CLAUDIUS
Yes. Yes. Hamlet, stop interrupting the play.HAMLET
My lord, doesn't the plot seem just a little familiar?CLAUDIUS
Familiar?HAMLET
You know, "poisons him in the garden for his estate. The murderer gets the love of Gonzago's wife."CLAUDIUS
Gertrude, do we know anyone named Gonzago?GERTRUDE
I think not, dear.CLAULIUS
Sorry, son.HAMLET
Nephew!CLAUDIUS
Step son. And I'm afraid your "Gonzago" just doesn't ring a bell.HAMLET
What if he were called "Hamlet Senior"?CLAUDIUS
Whatever for?HAMLET
Just for the sake of argument. And what if Lucianus were "Claudius", eh?The PLAYERS, sensing the play is over, slink away, exiting to one side or the other of the stage.
CLAUDIUS
I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, Hamlet.HAMLET
Oh come now. You couldn't possibly be that dense.CLAUDIUS
See here, Hamlet, we came to see a play and--HAMLET
I'm certain I saw you flinch a bit at Lucianus, uncle.CLAUDIUS
Flinch? Me?HAMLET
You did. You flinched and you blinked.CLAUDIUS
Can't help blinking. No one can. It's involuntary.HAMLET
(poking at the king's eyes)
CLAUDIUS
Did not.HAMLET
Did too!CLAUDIUS
Did not!HAMLET
Did too! Did too! Did too! Now admit it!CLAUDIUS
I will not. (rising from his throne) This is absurd. Hamlet, you've completely ruined the play for all of us.CLAUDIUS holds out his hand and GERTRUDE also stands, taking his hand.
HAMLET
What, frighted with false fire?CLAUDIUS
You're a looney. Come, Gertrude.CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE exit, followed by OPHELIA and POLONIUS, with ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN carrying the thrones and playing an exit fanfare. HORATIO enters.
HAMLET
You saw it. He blinked. Didn't he, Horatio?HORATIO
(humoring his prince)
HAMLET
I do say so, old friend. Leave me now. I've taken to talking to myself as of late and if you were here...well, it would be dialogue and not a soliloquy.HORATIO
(beginning to doubt HAMLET's sanity)
HAMLET
(as lights dim)
GOOD HUMOUR MAN enters with his tray of bottles.
GOOD HUMOUR MAN
Here you are, governor!HAMLET
(correcting)
GOOD HUMOUR MAN
Six "p", my lord.HAMLET
(taking a small pouch from his clothes, gives coins)
END OF ACT I
Act II, scene i. Elsinore Castle, the Royal Court. CLAUDIUS enters downstage followed by ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.
CLAUDIUS
I like him not, nor stands it safe with us to let his madness range. Me thinks he suspects something——not that there is anything to suspect, you understand--but Hamlet is becoming very dangerous. I shall send the two of you to escort him to England.ROSENCRANTZ
To England? Where giraffes and elephants come from?GUILDENSTERN
That's Wales.ROSENCRANTZ
To England where giraffes and whales come from?POLONTUS enters far upstage.
CLAUDIUS
(still to ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN)
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, Sire. (to ROSENCRANTZ) We're going to England! I've always wanted to see the pyramids.ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit joyously downstage. CLAUDIUS sees POLONIUS step down towards him.
POLONIUS
My lord, he's going to his mother's closet.CLAUDIUS
To her closet?POLONIUS
Behind the arras I'll convey myself.CLAUDIUS
Arras?POLONIUS
Curtains, tapestry, my lord. I'll hide behind them.CLAUDIUS
Curtains. Quite.POLONIUS
I'll call upon you ere you go to bed. And tell you what I know.CLAUDIUS
Yes. I see.POLONIUS
That exchange was quick enough.CLAUDIUS
But singularly lacking in punchlines, don't you think?POLONIUS
Perhaps, Sire.POLONIUS bows and exits.
CLAUDIUS
Right...So I'm alone then, am I? Why do It feel the urge to talk aloud to myself. Most curious. There was something in that play...I think Hamlet was trying to tell me something...0, my offense is rank; it smells to Heaven. (sniffs his clothes) It must be this doublet. I could use a fresh change of clothes. I'll pray a minute and then go bathies.As CLAUDIUS kneels, bowing his head to pray, the lights dim and we see the silhouette of a cross against the floor while reverent organ music plays. HAMLET enters from high upstage, takes out his sword, steps down a level or two, and soliloquizes.
HAMLET
Now might I do it. Now while he's a—praying. Now I'll do it. And so he goes to Heaven, and so am I revenged!...That's right, I'll do it now...This is my chance to off the bastard...If I hesitate I m lost....This really is a bit of luck finding him here like this....I ll just jab him a little in the back. (mimes jabbing) Or in the back of the neck. (mimes jabbing) Yes, I'm going to do it! I m really going to do it!...Let me savor this moment. ("savors" to himself) Good. That's enough savoring. Now I'11 do it...All right. I'11 just raise my sword. (raises sword overhead) And I'll just...Maybe if I took a running start from back here...(Takes a few steps back.) Now I'11—-(CLAUDIUS stands, crossing himself.) Bugger! I almost had him. He's too fast for me tonight.CLAUDIUS turns around to see HAMLET. HAMLET hides the sword behind his back.
CLAUDIUS
Oh Hamlet, I didn't see you there.HAMLET
Yes. Well...I thought I'd just pray a bit.CLAUDIUS
(suspiciously)
CLAUDIUS exits upstage.
HAMLET
It's about time. His offense is rank. It stinks to high Heaven...I ll get him next time. When he is drunk asleep, or in his rage, or about some act that has no relish of salvation in it. I'll do it. I really will! (Smells his clothes.) I could use a bit of a scrub myself. I do hope he doesn't use all the bubble bath.HAMLET exits downstage.
Act II, scene ii. Elsinore Castle, GERTRUDE's apartments. The tapestry, curtains, arras, what you will, is drawn across the upstage platform. GERTRUDE and POLONIUS enter from downstage.
POLONIUS
He will come straight. Look you, lay home to him. Tell him his pranks have been too broad to bear with, and that Your Grace hath screened and stood between much heat and him. I'll silence me even here. Pray you be round with him.HAMLET
(offstage)
GERTRUDE
I'll be square with him.POLONIUS
I believe that s "round", madam.GERTRUDE
Whatever. Withdraw; I hear him coming.HAMLET
Mother, what is it?GERTRUDE
Hamlet, thou has thy father much offended.HAMLET
Mother, you have my father much offended.GERTRUDE
Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.HAMLET
Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.GERTRUDE
Why, how now, Hamlet?HAMLET
Why, how now, brown cow?GERTRUDE
What?HAMLET
The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog, mother.GERTRUDE
Hamlet, I don't know what to say.HAMLET
Ah ha! Mince phrases with me, will you? I'll set up a mirror where you may see the inmost part of you.GERTRUDE
(suddenly vain)
HAMLET
I was speaking metaphorically, mother.GERTRUDE
I see. But what is that wild gleam in your eye?HAMLET
Wild gleam? Where? (Draws sword, uses it as a mirror.) Where's that blasted mirror?GERTRUDE
What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me? Help ho!POLONIUS
(behind the arras) What, ho! Help!HAMLET
That's not Ho. Me thinks it's my rat of an uncle. Dead for a ducat, dead! (Jabs arras with his sword.)POLONTUS
(behind the arras)
GERTRUDE
O me, what hast thou done?HAMLET
You heard him. He's slain. I've offed the king.GERTRUDE
0, what a rash and bloody deed is this!HAMLET
A bloody deed--almost as bad, good mother, as kill a king and marry with his brother.GERTRUDE
As kill a king?HAMLET
Ay, lady, it was my word. (Lifts arras and sees POLONIUS.) Oops.GERTRUDE
Oops? Is that all you have to say for yourself? You kill a trusted old friend and counselor and get blood stains all over my nice new arras, and all you can think of is "oops"?HAMLET
This is really quite embarrassing. I thought he was the king.GERTRUDE
And I suppose that makes it alright? Hamlet, honestly, sometimes you just don't think, do you?HAMLET
It was a bit rash then, was it?GERTRUDE
I'll say.HAMLET
Well, he had it coming, always sneaking about and hiding in people's bedrooms. And my uncle, he really has it coming.GERTRUDE
And me? Do I have it coming, Hamlet?HAMLET
Mother, did you have to marry my uncle and so soon after father died?GERTRUDE
Well, he was just no fun anymore.HAMLET
I dare say.GERTRUDE
No, silly, before he died. He was no fun before he died.HAMLET
And did you help to mur—-(GHOST enters.)GERTRUDE
Mur? What's "mur"?HAMLET
(to the GHOST)
GERTRUDE
Alas, he's mad. He's balmy as a jaybird.GHOST
Do not forget, Hamlet. This visitation is but to whet thy almost blunted purpose. But look, amazement on thy mother sits. Speak to her, Hamlet.HAMLET
Right. How are you, mummy?GERTRUDE
How are you, Hamlet? You've been talking to yourself much too much of late. I'm beginning to worry.HAMLET
But don't you see him, mummy? (GHOST exits.) There he goes. There.GERTRUDE
Who are you talking about?HAMLET
Dad, of course, mummy. Look where he goes even now out at the portal!GERTRUDE
Are you daft?HAMLET
Daft? I'm as sane as you are. Bring me to the test. I'll show you.GERTRUDE
Alright then. (Takes ink blot cards from her bossom.) What does this look like?HAMLET
A camel.GERTRUDE
(flashing the next card)
HAMLET
A weasel. No, it's a whale. Mother, old Polonius already administered this test--with the clouds.GERTRUDE
Really? I don't recall...HAMLET
That's right, we cut that scene. It was too long.GERTRUDE
Unlike this one?HAMLET
Right. I see what you mean. All right then, I'll get right to the point. (quickly) Confess yourself to heaven, repent what's past, avoid what is to come, and do not spread the compost on the weeds to make them ranker. Forgive me this my virtue. For in the fatness of these pursy times virtue itself of vice must pardon beg, yea, curb and woo for leave to do him good.GERTRUDE
0 Hamlet, thou has cleft my heart in twain.HAMLET
I have? I really should be more careful with this sword. Are you in pain?GERTRUDE
I'm speaking metaphorically, of course.HAMLET
Of course. And well done too, mother. Right. Well, good night--but go not to my uncle's bed. Assume a virtue if you have it not.GERTRUDE
You are daft!HAMLET
Now I must go, mother...And don t tell anyone about all this. It really is quite embarrassing, you know.GERTRUDE
I won't tell a soul. Really I won't.HAMLET
I must go to England; you know that.GERTRUDE
Yes, I had forgotten what with all thisHAMLET
All what business, mother?GERTRUDE
None, Hamlet. None at all.HAMLET
That s better. I ll just lug these guts into the neighbor room.HAMLET begins to drag POLONIUS away.
GERTRUDE
Whose guts, Hamlet?HAMLET
(laughing)
HAMLET exits dragging POLONIUS.
GERTRUDE
Good night. Hamlet.CLAUDIUS
(entering from upstage)
GERTRUDE
Promise you won't get angry?CLAUDIUS
What is it then?GERTRUDE
Claudius, the fact is...It's so difficult to put this gracefully. Hamlet, our son, sort of...killed Polonius.CLAUDIUS
Killed Polonius?GERTRUDE
Now remember he is our son and it was a kind of accident.CLAUDIUS
He's your son. He's just my nephew.GERTRUDE
And step son.CLAUDIUS
All right, step son.GERTRUDE
He didn t really mean to kill him. He thought Polonius was you--I mean...CLAUDIUS
So that's it!GERTRUDE
Oh dear. You won't do anything hasty, will you?CLAUDIUS
Hasty!...Hasty?...Of course not. We'll simply send him away at once--for his health.GERTRUDE
Oh Claudius. You are so wise and kind.CLAUDIUS
Yes. Yes...Ho Rosencrantz! Guildenstern!ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN enter.
ROSENCRANTZ
I'm sorry, my lord. Ho couldn't make it, but we're here.CLAUDIUS
Good enough. Bring Prince Hamlet before me.ROSENCRANTZ
Yes, Sire.GUILDENSTERN
At once, my lord.ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit.
ROSENCRANTZ
(offstage)
HAMLET
(offstage) What's the meaning of all this?GUILDENSTERN
(offstage)
ROSENCRANTZ
(offstage)
Come along, sir.
HAMLET is brought in by ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN.
CLAUDIUS
Well, young Hamlet, what do you have to say for yourself?HAMLET
It's a fair cop; I done it alright.CLAUDIUS
Now, Hamlet, where s Polonius?HAMLET
At supper.CLAUDIUS
At supper? Where?HAMLET
Not where he eats, but where he is eaten. A certain convocation of politic worms are eatin' at him.CLAUDIUS
Hamlet, your bloody metaphors are beginning to become a bit disgusting. Don't you think?HAMLET
Right. Sorry. I do get carried away with them.CLAUDIUS
Hamlet, I'm sending you to England right away until all this blows over.HAMLET
I've always wanted to see England. Thank you, Sire. Perhaps I'll get the chance to ride a camel.CLAUDIUS
(to ROSENCRANTZ and GUILBENSTERN)
ROSENCRANTZ
Yes, sire.GUILDENSTERN
Shall we go, lord Hamlet?HAMLET
Let's. Could I sit by the window on the boat?ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
Over our dead bodies.HAMLET, ROSENCRANTZ and GUTLIJENSTERN exit.
GERTRUDE
Oh dear. I hope he gets off before Laertes hears about all this.CLAUDIUS
Laertes...Yes, I had quite forgotten about him. He could make a nasty scene about this affair. Might even blame me...Leave me now, Gertrude. I must--GERTRUDE
I know, talk to yourself. Claudius, I do hope you're not coming down with whatever Hamlet has.GERTRUDE exits. CLAUDIUS scribbles something on a piece of paper, reads.
CLAUDIUS
And England, if my love thou hold'st at aught--as my great power thereof may give thee sense--slay Hamlet...Do it England! For like the hectic in my blood he rages, and thou must cure me. Do it! Let a camel run him over. I don't care how you do it, but do it!GERTRUDE
(entering briefly)
CLAUDIUS
Yes. Quite. Coming Gertrude.CLAUDIUS exits after GERTRUDE.
Act II, scene ii. Elsinore Castle, the Royal Court. GERTRUDE is sitting on her throne on the top platform. HORATIO enters from downstage and bows, then stands straight.
HORATIO
The lady Ophelia, your majesty.GERTRUDE
I will not speak with her.HORATIO
She is importunate, indeed distract. Her mood will needs be pitied. 'Twere good she were spoken with, for she may strew dangerous conjectures in ill -breeding minds.GERTRUDE
(reluctantly)
HORATIO exits downstage after bowing. OPHELIA enters. She seems to be wearing the same white slip seen earlier on the PLAYER QUEEN. OPHELIA has weeds and flowers in her hair and in her hands. She strews the stage with these plants. She is not well.
OPHELIA
Hello Hello Hello. Where is the beautious majesty of Denmark?GERTRUDE
(concerned for OPHELIA's sanity) How now, Ophelia?OPHELIA
How now, brown cow? I shall sing now. (sings)| Oh, I'm as corny as Kansas in August, High as the flag on the Fourth of July, And if you'll excuse an expression I use, I'm in love with a wonderful guy! |
GERTRUDE
You mean Hamlet? Alas, sweet lady, what imports this song?OPHELIA
Sorry, wrong song...(sings)| He is dead and gone, lady. He is dead and gone. At his head a grass—green turf, At his heels a stone." |
GERTRUDE
How did the other one go?OPHELIA
(singing)
I'm as corny as--
GERTRUDE
(singing)
Kansas in August..."
OPHELIA and GERTRUDE
(singing)
| High as the flag on the Fourth of July. And if you'll excuse an expression I use, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. I'm in love with a wonderful guy! |
CLAUDIUS
(entering from upstage)
GERTRUDE
Merely singing show tunes, milord.CLAUDIUS
Oh Gertrude, Gertrude. When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions. First her father slain, next your son gone, and now Rogers and Hammerstein!There is a noise offstage. OPHELIA hides behind CLAUDIUS.
GERTRUDE
Alack, what noise is this?LAERTES enters downstage, his sword drawn. OPHELIA, behind CLAUDIUS, thrusts her arms underneath those of the king. CLAUDIUS, seeing he has too many arms, folds his behind his back.
LAERTES
(angrily)
CLAUDIUS
Laertes, what a pleasant surprise!LAERTES
(beginning to ascend the levels, his sword pointed at the king)
GERTRUDE
Calmly, good Laertes.LAERTES
Where is my father?CLAUDIUS
Sort of...dead.GERTRUDE
But not by him.LAERTES
Who then?CLAUDIUS
It was Ham——(GERTRUDE's hand covers CLAUDIUS' mouth.)GERTRUDE
That's right, Laertes. It was ham. He choked on a ham sandwich.LAERTES
A ham sandwich?OPHELIA, still behind CLAUDIUS, sneezes.
LAERTES
How now. What noise is that?OPHELIA
(stepping from behind CLAUDIUS)
She tries to decorate LAERTES with flowers.
LAERTES
Oh heat, dry up my brains! 0 heavens, is it possible a young maid's wits should be as mortal as an old man's——(OPHELIA stuffs a rose stem in his mouth. His speech is muffled.)——life. (OPHELTA pulls the stem from his mouth in a hard yank. He has a delayed reaction) All this from--Ow! And all this from an errant ham sandwich? Oh fie on that foul comestible!OPHELIA
(tickling LAERTES face with the blossom of the rose)
LAERTES
GERTRUDE
It was an accident.LAERTES
An accident! How?CLAUDIUS
He stabbed your father in the arras!LAERTES
Bloody pervert!GERTRUDE
Thought he was a rat, you know.LAERTES
A rat?GERTRUDE
Well, he did say "Oops".LAERTES
Oops?" "Oops?" "Oops", is it? I'll give him bloody "oops"! Where is he?CLAUDIUS
Away in England. I sent him there.LAERTES
Well, I'm sorry, but that's not punishment enough!OPHELIA
(sings)
| And will he not come again? And will he not come again? No, no he is dead--" |
CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE and LAERTES
Would you shut up?CLAUDIUS
My dear Gertrude, would you take poor Ophelia to her rooms. I shall comfort good Laertes even here.GERTRUDE
(rising)
GERTRUDE and OPHELIA
(singing as they exit upstage, arm—in—arm)
| I'm as corny as Kansas in August, High as the flag on the Fourth of July, And if you ll excuse an expression I use, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. I m in love with a wonderful guy! |
LAERTES
This is most monstrous!CLAUDIUS
Really? I thought they were quite good.LAERTES
Not them, Sire. I mean, my father's death. And I can do nothing.HORATIC interrupts with messages.
CLAUDIUS
What is it. Horatio?HORATIO
Letters, my lord, from Hamlet. This to your majesty and this to the queen.He holds out his hand for a tip.
CLAUDIUS
Shall I have that hand cut off for you?HORATIO
Er...No, Sire.CLAUDIUS
Go then.HORATIO
Yes, Sire.HORATIO bows and exits.
CLAUDIUS
(reading his letter)
LAERTES
A tip is customary, Your Majesty.CLAUDIUS
It's bloody Hamlet. He's escaped. I sent him with a note for the King of England to have him snuffed. So Hamlet reads it and offs my messengers Rosen...whatever and...You know, the two Jewish chaps. And now he's coming back to Elsinore.LAERTES
Bloody bastard!CLAUDIUS
Laertes, was your father dear to you?LAERTES
Was he dear to me? Was he dear to me? My father?! What a bloody stupid--CLAUDIUS
Just checking...When Hamlet returns from England, what would you undertake to show yourself your father's son in deed more than in words?LAERTES
To cut his throat in the church!CLAUDIUS
Good lad! Just suppose I could arrange a fencing match with you and Hamlet.LAERTES
What of it, Sire?CLAUDIUS
Suppose I gave Hamlet a dull rapier and I gave you a nice pointy one.LAERTES
Good show, milord. And I could annoint my rapier with a bit of poison.CLAUDIUS
Good lad! And I could give Hamlet a goblet of poison wine when he's thirsty.LAERTES
Marvelous!CLAUDIUS
But hark, someone approaches.GERTRUDE
(entering from upstage)
CLAUDIUS
Oops.LAERTES
Drowned? Where?GERTRUDE
There is a willow grows 'slant a brook that shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream. There with fantastic garlands did she--CLAUDIUS
Yes, yes, my dear. We get your drift.GERTRUDE
But there's more.CLAUDIUS
We ll hear it later.GERTRUDE
It's my only bleeding monologue.LAERTES
Alas, then she is drowned?GERTRUDE
(as if reading the words)
LAERTES
(melodramatically)
GERTRUDE
He gets his bloody monologue. It's not fair, milord.LAERTES
Adieu, my lord. I have a speech of fire!LAERTES exits with a flourish of his sword.
GERTRUDE
Oh "speech of fire", that's nice. But what do I get? Nothing, that's what.CLAUDIUS
Let's follow, Gertrude. How much I had to do to calm his rage. Now fear I this will give it start again. Therefore, let's follow.GERTRUDE
Bloody men get all the good lines.GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS exit after LAERTES. We then hear GERTRUDE offstage.
GERTRUDE
Don't you touch me!Act II, scene iii. A trap door is open at the uppermost platform to represent a grave. A few headstones surround the hole. Inside the grave a circus CLOWN is digging, piling dirt on the surface level. The CLOWN sings.
CLOWN
(singing)
| Oh, I'm as corny as Kansas in August, High as the flag on the Fourth of July... |
HAMLET and HORATIO enter from upstage.
HAMLET
(to CLOWN)
CLOWN
My name isn't Sarah, milord.HAMLET
Of course it isn't.CLOWN
It's 'ortense.HAMLET
I see...CLOWN
Named after me father.HAMLET
Anyway, whose grave is it?CLOWN
Mine, sir.HAMLET
(aside to HORATIO)
CLOWN
You lie out on't, sir, and therefore 'tis not yours. For my part, I do not lie in't, yet it is mine.HAMLET
Listen to this, Horatio. (to CLOWN) Thou dost lie in't, to be in't and say it is thine. 'Tis for the dead, not for the quick, therefore, thou liest.CLOWN
'Tis a quick lie, sir.HAMLET
Quick lye"; get it, Horatio?HORATIO
(first laughing, then confused)
HAMLET
(to CLOWN)
CLOWN
For no man, sir.HAMLET
What woman, then?CLOWN
For none neither.HAMLET
Who is to be buried in't?CLOWN
One that was a woman, sir; but, rest her soul, she's dead.HAMLET
I'll get him this time, Horatio. (to CLOWN) Tell me, knave, how do you steam a clam?CLOWN
A clam, sir? That I know not.HAMLET
(to HORATIO)
HORATIO
Good one, milord!HAMLET
(to CLOWN)
CLOWN
A skull, sir, that hath lain in the earth three and twenty years.HAMLET
Whose was it?CLOWN
(holding out the skull)
HAMLET
Nay, I know not.CLOWN
Oh guess...HORATIO
Good milord, shouldn't we be getting along with the plot. It's rather late now.CLOWN
All right then; it's Yorick's skull, the king's jester.HAMLET
Let me see. (Takes the skull.)HORATIO
We ll never finish this play.CLOWN
Let him have his little speech, sir. What s the ‘arm?HAMLET
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times... Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft... (kisses skull) Horatio?HORATIO
Aye, milord?HAMLET
I think I'm going to be quite ill. (Gives skull to CLOWN.)CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE and LAERTES enter from downstage in solemn procession behind two familiar courtiers who carry OPHELIA s body, a white bundle tangled with river plants and dripping wet. The CLOWN climbs out of the grave and exits.
HAMLET
But soft awhile. Here comes the king, the queen, the courtiers.HORATIO
Oh my!HAMLET
Who is this they carry?HORATIO
I fear it is the soggy corpse of the Lady Ophelia, milord.HAMLET
Ophelia's snuffed it?HORATIO
I fear so, my prince.HAMLET
Couch we awhile, and mark.HORATIO
Come again, milord?HAMLET
Let's hide and listen, Horatio.HORATIO
Oh.HAMLET and HORATIO hide on the edge of the set as the funeral procession reaches the grave site. The courtiers lower OPHELIA into the grave.
GERTRUDE
Sweets to the sweet. Farewell. (scatters flowers over the coffin)LAERTES
0, treble woe fall ten times treble on that cursed head whose wicked ingenious sense deprived thee of! Hold off the earth have caught her once mare in mine arms. (leaps in the grave, making a big sloshing sound) Sorry. (then over—dramatically) Now pile your dust upon the glick and dead till of this flat mountain you have made to o'ertop old Pelion or the skyish head of blue Olympus.HAMLET
What the devil is he talking about?HORATIO
Bugger if I know, milord.HAMLET
So he thinks he can beat me at overacting, does he? (shouts) This is I, Hamlet the Dane!A dog barks offstage.
ALL
Shut up!HAMLET leaps into the grave, also making a big sloshing sound.
HAMLET
(to OPHELIA)
LAERTES
Devil take thy soul!LAERTES and HAMLET grapple in the grave.
GERTRUDE
Hamlet! Hamlet!LAERTES
Stop treading on my sister!HAMLET
Well, there's not much room in here, is there?GERTRUDE
(boldly upstaging everyone)
CLAUDIUS
What the devil is she talking about?GERTRUDE
You see? I can be as verbose and obscure as anybody.HAMLET
(climbing from grave)
HAMLET exits followed by HORATIO.
CLAUDIUS
Good Gertrude, set some watch over your son.LAERTES
Beg pardon, could someone give me a bit of a lift?CLAUDIUS grasps LAERTES hand to pull him from the grave and whispers to him.
CLAUDIUS
Are you up to doing in Hamlet?LAERTES
(almost leaping out)
CLAUDIUS
(whispering)
Everyone exits except CIAUDTUS and LAERTES. The CLOWN re-enters at CIAUDIUS' bidding and shovels some dirt into the grave.
LAERTES
You're getting her all dirty. (aside as he exits) Bloody cheap king. Can't afford a bleeding casket.CLAUDIUS
(to CLOWN)
There is a sudden blackout. In the dark we hear CLAUDIUS complaining to the CLOWN.
CLAUDIUS
In the grave, not my bloody shoes!CLOWN
Sorry.CLAUDIUS and ClOWN exit in the dark.
Act II, Scene iv. Elsinore Castle, the Royal Court. HAMLET and HORATIO enter.
HORATIO
To show there are no hard feelings between yourself and yoimg Laertes, milord, the king wishes you to fence a friendly bout before the entire court. But I fear he will best you woefully with his champion skill at swordplay.HAMLET
I do not think so. Since Laertes went into France I have been in continual practice.On the word "practice" HAMLET pulls his sword from its scabbord, but in one continous motion slings it into the wings of the stage.
HORATIO
(concerned with this clumsiness)
HAMLET, waxing philosophical and noble, steps downstage for a brief speech.
HAMLET
Not a whit, we defy augury. There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now, if it be not now, yet it will come. The readiness is all. Since no man of aught he leaves knows, what is't to leave betimes? Let be.HORATIO applauds.
HORATIO
A beautiful speech, my lord...What the Hell does it mean?HAMLET
(thoughtfully)
A table with foils is brought in by the two courtiers, "E" and "S", who then bow and exit. CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE and LAERTES enter. GERTRUDE sits on her throne.
CLAUDIUS
(standing HANLET and LAERTES)
HAMLET
(turning away, arms crossed)
GERTRUDE
Please, Hamlet...HAMLET
(reluctantly enough)
LAERTES
(through clinched teeth)
The handshake continues and evolves into an arm wrestling match, each man tryiing to put the other off balance.
HAMLET
And I really must apologize for driving poor Ophelia to madness.LAERTES
(gritting his teeth)
The pushing intensifies.
HAMLET
And mistaking your father for a rat, how embarrassing! Still, I don't think he suffered long. Of course, he would have died in ten years or so anyway.LAERTES increases the pressure.
LAERTES
(suddenly releasing)
HAMLET falls on his posterior.
CLAUDIUS
Are you quite ready, Laertes?LAERTES growls affirmatively.
LAERTES
Let us choose foils, my Lord Hamlet. (claps twice)"E" steps forward with an armful of foils. LAERTES pretends to try a few and settles on a certain one whose tip he eyes keenly and then seems to chalk it like a pool cue with a small bag he acquires from the folds of his clothing. HAMLET motions to "E" and takes the entire bundle.
HAMLET
(swinging the bundle like so many baseball bats)
HAMLET swipes the foil about and "E" ducks.
CLAUDIUS
Set me the stoups of wine upon the table. ("S" exits) If Hamlet give the first or second hit, ("S" returns with a goblet and a pitcher on a tea trolley.) or quit in answer of the third exchange, let all the battlements their ordinance fire, the King shall drink to Hamlet's better breath, and in the cup an union shall he throw, (picks up goblet) richer than that (raises goblet) which four successive kings in Denmark's crown have worn. (as though toasting) And let the kettle to the trumpet speak, the trumpet to the cannoneer without, then cannons to the heavens, the heavens to earth--HAMLET
(impatient)
CLAUDIUS
(to "E" and "S")
HAMLET
(en guard)
LAERTES
Come, my lord.They fence and HAMLET touches LAERTES in the rear with his foil.
HAMLET
Touche.LAERTES
No...HAMLET
Judgement? (to "E") What say you, good Extraneous?EXTRANEOUS
Oh...A hit, a very palpable hit.LAERTES
(on his guard)
CLAUDIUS
(to "S")
SUPERFLUOUS pours wine into the goblet and serves it to CLAUDIUS.
HAMLET
Bloody sot.CLAUDIUS
(holding a pearl between finger and thumb)
SUPERFLUOUS steps forward to receive the goblet.
HAMLET
I'll play this bout first; set it by awhile. (to LAERTES) Come.HAMLET and LAERTES fence. CLAUDIUS motions SUPERFLUOUS to take the wine away to the tea cart. SUPERFLUOUS does so. HAMLET touches LAERTES once more in a buttock.
HAMLET
Another hit. What say you?LAERTES
A touch, a touch; I do confess't.CLAUDIUS
(to GERTRUDE)
HAMLET is en guarde, but relaxes his stance to take his argument to CLAUDIUS.
HAMLET
Her son and your nephew! (starts back toward LAERTES.)CLAUDIUS
And stepson.HAMLET
All right. All right. Stepson. En guarde, Laertes!They fence.
GERTRUDE
He's fat and scant of breath.HAMLET
This is not the time for that, Mother. (aside) Even she's noticed that my flesh is too too solid.GERTRUDE
(rises, approaches tea trolley)
CLAUDIUS
Gertrude, do not drink!GERTRUDE
I will, my lord; I pray you pardon me. (drinks)CLAUDIUS
Oops.GERTRUDE gestures, offering the goblet to HAMLET.
HAMLET
Mother, I'm not thirsty yet. I'm fencing now.GERTRUDE
Come let me wipe thy face.HAMLET
Mother, would you please just let me fence!GERTRUDE
Well pardon me for living, I'm sure... (becomes faint) Hamlet!HAMLET
Mother, don't you think you're being just a wee bit over-dramatic?LAERTES
(aside to CIAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS
Not yet.HAMLET
Come, Laertes, fence.They fence. LAERTES wounds HAMLET slightly. HAMLET attacks IAERTES in anger. En a clinch tney drop their swords, scuffle and end up exchanging foils. They fence with a newly manic intensity until HAMLET runs LAERTES through--the groin. They almost freese in this position.
CLAUDIUS
Part them. They are incensed.HAMLET pulls out the foil with the pop of a champagne cork. HAMLET stands en guarde as IAERTES stands there in pain.
HAMLET
Come, again. (GERTRUDE falls.)LAERTES
Never again...Look to the queen there, ho!HAMLET
Oh no. You won't catch me with that old trick, Laertes. Besides, I happen to know Ho is nowhere near the castle tonight.LAERTES falls to his knees.
LAERTES
As a woodcock to mine own springe, I am justly killed with mine own treachery.HAMLET
Similes to the end... (sees GERTRUDE hunched on the floor) How does the queen?CLAUDIUS
(evasively)
HAMLET
I seem to remember that I'm miffed at you about something, Uncle. Now what's she about?CLAUDIUS
She swoons at the bleeding.GERTRUDE
(chokingly)
HAMLET
She's swallowed your bloody pearl! I ought to--GERTRUDE
The drink, the drink! I am poisoned. (dies)HAMLET
Poisoned! O villainy! Ho, let the door be locked!LAERTES
I thought you said Ho was nowhere near the castle tonight.HAMLET
Enough, Laertes. I'm beginning to lose my temper!LAERTES
Hamlet, thou art slain; no medicine in the world can do thee good. In thee there is not half an hour's life. The treacherous instrument is in thy hand unbated and envenomed.HAMLET
(eyeing the tip of his foil)
LAERTES
The king...the king's to blame... (dies)HAMLET
Oh, that really does it! No more beating around the bush! I'm really quite mad now!CLAUDIUS
(backing away)
HAMLET
Nephew!...Now poison, do thy work!HAMLET corners CLAUDIUS with his foil in one hand and, taking the goblet in his other hand, pours wine down CIADDIUS' throat while simultaneously running him through with the sword.
CLAUDIUS
Stepson.HAMLET
Neph—(CLAUDIUS dies.) Bugger! (raising his foil above his head) This is I, Hamlet the Dane!A dog barks offstage.
HAMLET
Right. (exits in a huff, then from backstage) And I've had enough of you too, doggy!VOICE
No, please!We hear the dog yelp pittifully. HAMLET re—enters. Looking at everyone left alive on stage, he growls and chases them offstage. Then he notices the audience for the first time. He steps toward a member of the audience.
HAMLET
And you! What are you looking at! I ought to...I will!HAMLET seems to go for the person in the audience. There is a blackout and then a scream.
***THE END***